The Mysteries of Jade

My alter ego, Aikiko Rei VS Plain old simple me, Stacy Chan-Sia

2010-07-15T08:02:00.000+08:00

I sometime wonder, when I live the life I live and do the kind of job I do, I get some inspiration to write my novels. But sometimes I wonder if my novels are a reflection of the life and the person I wish to have been or could have been.. I mean, for those who have read the things I have written in the past or when i re-read the things I have written in my younger days, such as The Fifth gear, The Devil's Addiction (my Sesshomaru fanfiction) and Forbidden, I realised that all my main female characters are a reflection of my inner self.. Like The Jaded One in The Fifth Gear, Reijin in The Devil's Addiction and Aikiko Rei in Forbidden, all of them are head strong, strong willed, resillient and determined women who will not let anything or anyone stand in their way of getting what they desire.. They are never pushovers, even though they have internal turmoils and suffering that they have constant conflict with and battle with themselves to resolve it..

In The Fifth Gear, The Jaded One has to deal with a man, Scud, from her past whom she has a love hate relationship with and who still, even though she is married to The Demon, has a certain hold over her.. Scud is her emotional baggage that she has to deal with at the risk of her marriage.. Her character sometimes reflects mine as at times, out of the blue, I suddenly think of past relationships and wonder what would have happened if I had given up what I had with The Roadster for something that I could have made work.. Yet The Jaded One, is one hell of a woman to deal with.. Independent, wilful and one who has a reckless streak that even her husband give her the respect of his equal to be able to handle situations to her best ability and know she will not back down from a challenge, even though how the odds are stacked up against her..

In The Devil's Addiction, Reijin is similar, yet she has a calm demeanour and quietly yet subtly makes an impact. She has a powerful and yet calming aura about her and her mate quietly admire her for her ability to be at one with herself..

Then there is Aikiko Rei. Young enterprising and acomplished and a mix of The Jaded One and Reijin.. Facing living up to expectations and her duty, she is looked upon as an equal in a man's world...

Looking at all these characters, who are suppose to be a reflection of the real me, i realised that I am no where near as them.. In fact, I am poles apart from them.. Look at me, I am un-empowered both in marriage and at work.. My husband at times do not take my opinions into consideration and doesn't respect my views at times.. My father in law talks down to me, thinking i am not of the proper education and background as he expects and tries to force me to live up to his expectations instead of me living up to what I expect my life to be.. When he himself can't live up to them.. I am not respected at work and is being bullied by everyone, when I work the hardest and to the best ability I can... Emotionally I am not as strong as them, neither mentally as well.. Where was the determined and gungho girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind?? Where is the one who dug in her heels to stick to what she believed in? The one who isn't afraid of what people think of her and is confident in everything she does? Where in the hell along these two years did I turn into a submissive woman when I use to be a feminist?? Have I become "cockpecked"??? I don't even recognise myself anymore and i don't even know who I am anymore... Can someone tell me and help me?? Sigh.... I feel lost.....

-Aikiko Rei

Location:Links Side,Enfield,United Kingdom

Homecoming

2010-03-27T07:09:00.000+08:00

Finally after two years in a far away country and entering the next phase of my life, the Roadster and I are finally coming home.. Back to Singapore, where we met, where we lived and where we grew up.. Being away from home, I have learnt to appreciate my family, my friends and most of all, all the experiences and memories that helped shape who I am today... But an event recently made me confident and appreciative of my own judgement and decision I made when I was younger....

Recently of late, one of my ex, out of the blue, added me on facebook. Of course, being me, out of goodwill and having no bad feelings towards him, added him and added him to my messenger when he requested to speak to me.. However as the normal formality of "how are you" and "what are you doing now?" pass, and after informing him I am now married and have been with the Roadster for over 7 years before we got married, he asked a question that made me wonder what his intention and motives were.. I mean even though technically when I got together with The Roadster, i was, in status-wise still attached to my ex, but at that point of time, we really didn't have a real relationship.. He only looks for me when he wants to satisfy his needs, when he needs me to finance his lifestyle or pleasures, and when it was done, it was if I didn't exist in his life.. There was no affection shown at all.. we don't even hold hands nor walk side by side or sit next to each other.. So it was 3 months after being with the Roadster that I told him that I don't need him in my life.. And he then suddenly said that he wanted to commit to the relationship.. To which I said that i didn't need a burden like him..

Anyway, he started questioning me abouty sex life and whether I still use aids.. And I was like that it was not neccessary to ask such a question.. His reply was like it was not as if we were doing it.. But still one wouldn't ask such a question.. He continued to ask that question even after I repeatedly told him that there was no need to ask such a question as I am married. He assumed that I was pissed off with him. But all I was trying to do if find out his intentions.. He is attached and 34 and yet he was trying something that makes me question his morals and his maturity.. As after that, he deleted me from his friends list, and automatically deleted himself from my friends list.. When I should be the one to do
so.. This showed that I did make the right decision then in ridding him from my life.. I mean I have two exs in my friends list in facebook.. One from when I was 15, the other was from when I was 17.. Both of which I still are friends with, who never brought our past relationship and intimate details up.. I really do wonder why this particular ex of mine behaves this way... I think I made the right decision to be with the Roadster and be his wife..

-Aikiko Rei

Location:Links Side,Enfield,United Kingdom

I am now sane again..

2010-01-12T06:00:00.003+08:00

I am now sane again.. Over the last week, I had a minor breakdown... and the feeling of loneliness and isolation has really taken its toil out of me... and well I guess, I couldn't really take it anymore... And suprisingly, I think I Married the right man... ahahah Well, The Roadster has really been understanding and has understood the pain and roller coaster emotions that I have went through.. I guess it must have been hard on him and I have been giving him alot of grief for the last three months..so poor hubby.. BUT!!! He got me a new laptop with an inbuilt cam and mic, so I have been able to talk to Prawn, Godzilla, Duckie and my family recently and Mich Mich as well.. So the feeling of having my friends with me has slowly come back.. But there is one person that I haven't been able to catch up with recently and that is My Miss Tiang...

Miss Tiang ah.. If you are reading this, I AM STILL WAITING FOR U TO COME ONLINE AND CAM WITH ME!!! and we can go have "break" together liao!! ahahaha I miss that.. I can't wait to get home, even if it is for 2 and a half weeks.. but I really do want to do everything that I use to do with my friends..... The Roadster has also recently been catching up with his mates.. and he shared some pictures of hubby that hubby doesn't even remember it being taken.. There was one pic that was taken in 2002, when he and I have been together for a year.. And as I looked at it, I don't even remember my husband looking like that.. I guess when you are with someone for such a long time, you become so use to them.. but taking a look back, you can hardly remember how they look like when they were younger.. You kind of grow old with them... Yes.. The Little Jade Queen.. is finally sane once more.. and back to her old joval self.. guess the feeling of being cut off was Excruciating!!!

I feel like giving up.... But I can't....

2010-01-07T01:14:00.000+08:00

How does one curb this feeling of emptiness and frustration?? It's hard but I've tried.. And tried... It's all very hard... Esp when one is so far away from her parents, her friends and siblings... I don't understand why no one understands me or even let me make my own decisions... When that happens, my husband doesn't even help me or defend me... How much longer must I keep quiet and be the submissive one??? When did I lose my will to be strongheaded?? What has happened to me?? I don't even know if I am really happy anymore or know what is tomorow going to make me feel... I am happy that I am married, but why are there so many people trying to interfere in my life... When I was younger, I wouldn't let my parents interfere with my life.. I made the decision to come here and I will not change it, but I am really alone here...

For Cheryl

2009-11-20T08:09:00.000+08:00

为什么他们把我这么大的压力？他们不明白吗？甚至我的丈夫不明白。孤独，隔离可以是难以承受的时间。谁能够理解一个女人谁离开了她的家庭和她的朋友安慰的挫折？谁明白？我最亲爱的最好的朋友，我在这里为你。为你一个人了解我的心经历了困难和隔离时间。

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I got to get my life in focus.. Argh

2009-11-18T02:53:00.000+08:00

I really got to get my life back in focus... I mean I wonder should I get back in the rat race or continue what I do first till I get revitalised on my trip back home and then start back.. Recently hubby has been frustrated with regards to our financial situation.. It really makes me feel very useless when he says that.. I really do wonder what else can I do to make things better.. All through the relationship I have been doing the best I can and it can get very frustrating.. It is worst when i can talk to him, and I don't have an outlet to get away from it all.. I mean I once in a while try to get away fr a few hours with Lauren, but what does a 19 year old who is born and bred here understand about being away from home, alone, without your friends to lend a shoulder on... Sigh.. I've always learnt that I cannot linger on the negative, and all I have to do is to just move forward.. But how long can I do it without anybody to talk to..

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I need to change my image

2009-11-04T08:01:00.000+08:00

You know, when a woman reaches a stage, she feels the need to reinvent herself and I do feel the need to do so. There are days I feel frumpy and I wonder if The Roadster still think that his Little Jade Queen is still attractive. Well of late, there are times that I really feel that he doesn't. Maybe I should leave my hair long again to feel more femmine. I recently went with Lauren last week for my first pedicure in over a year and let me tell you, it felt good to pamper myself again. All the daily toil of working in the pub's kitchen more than I use to isn't doing me any favours.. At least when I finally get back to SG, I can be myself again.

Now just have to concentrate on making the gifts for all my "animal gang". I bought the fabrics and I ain't gonna tell them how much it costs cos them and The Roadster will be shocked.. But they are good Japanese designed cloths.. Maybe after the whole thing I might make one for myself. Here are the fabrics.

Doesn't it look lovely?? I'll probably get a red one for myself.

I went to have Korean food today at Leicester Square today.. Made my day as we had the Korean kimchi hotpot, the Bossam and the dosakk bimbipbap!!

Korean hot pot!!

The Bossam and my BimBipBap!!

Even got a new book from HMV for £3. I love Tim Burton!!

Even though I was tempted to get the Neil Gaiman's Whatever Happened To Batman graphic novel.. But that is for another time.. I can't wait to get back home...

Right now it is straight on to.....

I love this game!! Thanks hubby!!

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Thank god it isn't the mumps!!!

2009-10-16T08:32:00.000+08:00

As my title says... Yeah!!! The doctor said it's due to some blockage in the drainage system of my glands and a dose of anti- inflammitory medication ibuprofen, what they call panadol here should do the job. If the swelling doesn't go down, I am due for another checkup next week.

Also my best friend from secondary school, Fen has gotten the baby clothes I sent her.. I cannot believe she is 34 weeks and my godson is 2.7kg.. She says he is still growing and she is due in November.. oh he is going to be a big baby.. If you are wondering why I am blooging on the iPhone, that us because hubby's laptop has nearly packed in and we are planning to get a new one at the end of the month. Then I can get back on facebook and catch up on all my bloody applications that have been pit on hold cos of my work and the laptop being shitty... New stuff new year coming! In December the 13th, hubby and I would have been together for 8 years and would have been married for 7 months... How time flies!!

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What ever happened to it being picture perfect???

2009-10-14T06:08:00.000+08:00

Oh what a long week as the build up to christmas begins. I am really getting tired and I noticed that I am starting to get sick more easily.. First chesty cough and congestion in late summer, then mild flu early autumn and now a swelling on my right neck.. I am due to see the doctor tomorrow.. Hope it is not mumps... Then there is the problem of my sister and her antics.. Oh the stories and what I heard from my parents.. I am trying to be understanding cause I use to be a rebel teenager, but I am not there for over a year, I don't know what is going on.. Why can't everything be picture perfect now????

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Morning Musume!! This always makes me cry

2009-09-10T02:52:00.002+08:00

Sotsugyou Ryokou ~Morning Musume Tabidatsu Hito Ni Okuru Uta

Onsen ryokou nante
Nannenburi deshou

Kigane naku kaiwa dekiru
Suteki na yatsura

Shinchou toka nenrei toka
Chigau kedo
Nagai tsukiai

Tenshinranman yuku ze! Yousha nashi
Kono mama isshou tomodachi da shi

Takkyuu taikai suru ze! Mattanashi
Asobi to iedo muki ni naru shi
Yoi nakama da
Daisuki da yo

Sotsugyou ryokou nante
Daremo iwanai ga

Minna ga ki wo tsukatte
Keikaku shite kureta

Bukiyou da shi yoku taberu shi
Yoku warau
Yasashii yatsura

Zenshin zenei yuku ze! Oonigiwai
Kono mama kitto asa made da shi

Onsen manjuu kuu ze! Oomoridai
Oyatsu to iedo yamerarenai
Yoi nakama da
Daisuki da yo

Tenshinranman yuku ze! Yousha nashi
Kono mama isshou tomodachi da shi

Takkyuu taikai suru ze! Mattanashi
Asobi to iedo muki ni naru shi
Yoi nakama da
Daisuki da yo

Yoi nakama da
Daisuki da yo

Daisuki da yo
===============================================
English

How many years has it been
Since we went on a trip to a hot spring?

You guys are great
I can talk to you totally openly

Your height and age
May be different
But we’ve been together a long time

Let’s have no guilt, no mercy
We’ll be friends like this all our lives

We’ll have a ping pong match right away
It’s supposed to be for fun, but it’s dead serious
You’re such great bandmates
I love you

Nobody’s calling it
A graduation vacation

But everyone’s put a lot of thought
Into planning it

You’re clumsy and you eat a lot
And you laugh a lot
You guys are so nice

Full speed ahead! A great crowd of us
We’ll stay that way til morning for sure

We’ll eat hot spring bean curd buns! Loads of them
They’re supposed to be snacks but we can’t stop eating them
You’re such great bandmates
I love you

Let’s have no guilt, no mercy
We’ll be friends like this all our lives

We’ll have a ping pong match right away
It’s supposed to be for fun, but it’s dead serious
You’re such great bandmates
I love you

You’re such great bandmates
I love you

I love you
======================================

Never Forget
=============
Romaji

I’ll never forget you
Wasurenai wa anata no koto
Zutto soba ni itai kedo
Nee shikata nai no ne
Aa nakidashisou

Deatta hi ni kanpai da ne
Ano koro yori mo kami ga nobita koto
Anata shitteta
Deatta no wa guuzen na no?
Dakara sayonara sae mo guuzen na no

Toukyou de miru hoshi mo
Furusato de no hoshi mo
Onaji da to oshiete kureta

I’ll never forget you
Wasurenai wa anata no koto
Zutto soba ni itai kedo
Nee shikata nai no ne

You’ll never forget me
Wasurenaide atashi no koto
Motto soba ni itai kedo
Mou tabidatsu jikan
Aa nakidashisou

Kioku nante tanjun da ne
Dakara kanashimi sae mo omoide da ne

Kitto mata aeru yo ne
Kitto waraiaeru ne
Kondo deau toki wa hitsuzen

Na Na Na Na…

I’ll never forget you
Wasurenai wa anata no koto
Zutto soba ni itai kedo
Nee shikata nai no ne

You’ll never forget me
Wasurenaide atashi no koto
Motto soba ni itai kedo
Mou tabidatsu jikan
Aa nakidashisou

English

I’ll never forget you
I’ll never forget you
I want to be by your side forever
But I guess there’s nothing we can do
Ah, I think I’m going to cry

Let’s toast the day we met
Did you notice
That my hair’s grown since then?
Was it by chance that we met?
If it is then it’s even by chance that we’re saying goodbye

You taught me that
The stars in Tokyo
Are the same as the stars in my hometown

I’ll never forget you
I’ll never forget you
I want to be by your side forever
But I guess there’s nothing we can do

You’ll never forget me
Don’t forget me
I want to be by your side a bit longer
But it’s time to go
Ah, I think I’m going to cry

Memories are so simple
So even this sadness will become a memory

We’ll surely meet again
We’ll surely be able to smile at each other again
We’ll get to meet again, it’s inevitable

Na Na Na Na…

I’ll never forget you
I’ll never forget you
I want to be by your side forever
But I guess there’s nothing we can do

You’ll never forget me
Don’t forget me
I want to be by your side a bit longer
But it’s time to go
Ah, I think I’m going to cry

So many things to do, so little time.. and I really believe that people change after they are married..

2009-09-10T01:47:00.002+08:00

Back to the daily toil of work.. and still I am looking to get back into the office so that I can sort myself out financially and prepare for the future. I mean, being married 4 months have changed me quite a bit.. I mean, The Roadster says that I nag a bit more, even though I feel that I haven't changed that much... It is actually another step.. and after being together 7 years, it's a really big step. Time is going by so fast and I know that before I know it, It's going to be our first year wedding anniversary.. Still there are alot of things I want to achieve.

When I finally get paid, I am going to start to learning how to drive. That would be a great advantage here in the UK.. Let me tell you, there are so many things I can't do cos of the hassle of traveling. I mean going to central London, I need a bus ride and multiple changes on the London Underground or Overground, just to get to certain destinations. Also, if I managed to get an office job in the City, I would probably make more friends who are around my age. Everyone here in the pub is like 8 years my junior or the person who is a year older than me, behaves like a bloody teenager, going out to get pissed all the time.. and all of them are not married, so there isn't like a support group for "Just in case I get pissed off with my husband, I have someone to talk to"... I miss everyone back home... Esp, Cheryl, Teeny and Aric.. I miss hanging out with them.. I miss the time that when I am stressed that I need to get away from everything that I can just call them and out we go to Minori for dinner and karaoke.. Argh.. I can't wait till I can go back home in March, even for three weeks... I will be fine and focused again.. Just the lack of having someone who understand or people of like minds to hang around with is so hard.. But I know that they still support me..

Sometimes, I feel that I have been distant from all of them and they feel abit distant from me as well.. but that's life isn't it.. I only want to go back and build the bond.. I am very glad that they haven't forgotten me.. Even buying gifts for me even though I am not there... I love them to bits and I don't know what to get for them when I come back.. I hope I make the right choices...

Main aim now is to work and get another job so that I can have more money, not to get pregnant before then so that I can take another set of PROPER wedding pictures, rather than the slap hazzard job that Uncle Johnson did...

Here is what I need to do:
1) Get driving licence
2) Get New Laptop
3) Get Ice cream maker for xmas
4) Go home for a holiday
5) Lose weight
6) New Job
7) Put down a deposit for a house in the next 5 years or for Hubby to get his own pub
8) Then Have kids...

I wonder if I can do it all....

ARGH!! I wish I wasn't domesticated!

2009-09-07T23:07:00.002+08:00

Well, I have been unable to work for 4 months and I have been like housewife-like during that period.. I am actually frustrated and I don't seem to be getting much appreciation.. I mean I know what is required of me that is to be done, but is it too much to ask for a little help?? I mean not from my husband.. No no.. The Roadster has been alright.. I mean I have been taking care of the house.. AND THE BROTHER IN LAW!!!.. I mean I have to cook, clean and do the laundry for him.. Never mind.. since I got nothing else to do during the four months, I'll do it.. But I have just started work and my boss has somewhat thrown me back into what I use to do, not slowly let me sink into it.. Literally thrown me into the deep end of it.. as we like to say it here.. I came back on Sunday, after working long shifts since last Wednesday, Only to find that he didn't throw away the rice in the rice cooker, that has since fermented.. and the clothes that has been hanging there since I can't remember when since I did the last laundry, are still there.. NEVER MIND!! I went to tell The Roadster.. who went to tell his brother.. and what happen?!! He called and tell me that he didn't know that there was rice in the rice cooker, cos he didn't see.. and besides, he never use the rice cooker.. Well DOES IT MEAN THAT EVEN THOUGH U DON'T USE IT, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLEAN IT?! BASKET!! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN EATING FOR THE LAST FOUR MONTHS? AIR!?.. Did the food magically appeared? I went to buy the food, even with a sprained ankle, I lugged all the food back from Tesco and cooked it for you.. And made sure you have food to it.. BASKET You are 25 years old.. I am not your GF or your Wife.. I am your Brother's Wife and furthermore, I have a hard time taking care of your brother already and Now I am back at work.. I don't have time to take care of you.. You make it sound that you are under alot of stress.. Well, Tough.. All of us are.. but you also need to pull your weight around.. You are pencil pusher, no offence there.. but I am working 40 hours a week.. AND ON WEEKENDS, while you spend all day on Sat and Sunday on your bloody PS3!! Get a bit of housework done, won't kill you right?! FIACK!!!!

I am a Prisoner of Love - Aikiko Rei

2009-08-26T20:26:00.003+08:00

宇多田ヒカル - Prisoner Of Love

letter：Utada Hikaru
song：Utada Hikaru

平気な顔で嘘をついて
笑って　嫌気がさして
楽ばかりしようとしていた

ないものねだりブルース
皆安らぎを求めている
満ち足りてるのに奪い合う
愛の影を追っている

退屈な毎日が急に輝きだした
あなたが現れたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

病める時も健やかなる時も
嵐の日も晴れの日も共に歩もう

I'm gonna tell you the truth
人知れず辛い道を選ぶ
私を応援してくれる
あなただけを友と呼ぶ

強がりや欲張りが無意味になりました
あなたに愛されたあの日から
自由でもヨユウでも一人じゃ虚しいわ
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Oh もう少しだよ
Don't you give up
Oh 見捨てない　絶対に

残酷な現実が二人を引き裂けば
より一層強く惹かれ合う
いくらでもいくらでも頑張れる気がした
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

ありふれた日常が急に輝きだした
心を奪われたあの日から
孤独でも辛くても平気だと思えた
I'm just a prisoner of love
Just a prisoner of love

Stay with me, stay with me
My baby, say you love me
Stay with me, stay with me
一人にさせない
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I read back on my novels and I thought about my Ulter Ego - Aikiko Rei, the Jaded Princess, whose love for Katsumi Yui, seems to plague her through out her life. She loved deeply, and yet she seems to hate deeply. Somehow, I always believed that she is always been a part of me. A part that I can never express in my daily life. She is strong, determined and yet calm and collective at every instances, which is a far cry from what I am. But what she and I have in common is that we are both prisoners of love. Me, the Little Jade Queen has now finally settled down with The Roadster, but yet, Aikiko Rei has yet to settle down. Maybe there is a part of me that still wishes that I wasn't settled down, wanting to live a jet setting life and being that independant and strong woman that I have been brought up to be, though it may seem to others that I am needy and lonely. I have also realised that Aikiko Rei doesn't really have much friends, only those that are her associates, those that are under her service, or those that are her equal.

I wish I could throw myself into that, though lonely as it seems, there are times I feel that I need others more than others need me. I realised that over the last year, I have clung on to my husband like glue.. and I haven't been the way I was... I wonder will I ever find back that part of me... The one who just can go out for coffee at Starbucks, armed with just a pen, a note book and her mp3 player and sit there... day dreaming, contemplating and wondering... I guess what love make people do, is lose themselves... never allowing them to be the same again... I wish I could get myself inked again and mark the passing of things that have changed my life.....

Have you ever looked back?

2009-08-07T22:01:00.002+08:00

Have you ever read back the posts from your blog from years ago? I recently did and I read the very first blog posting I have written in 2004. The Little Jade Queen has progressed in more ways than one. The "Temptress", The "Confused Soul", My Femme, The Innocence and The Roadster. All have made me grow in a way that I can never regret ever meeting them. The one that has changed me the most is not really The Roadster. It's apparently the appreance of The "Temptress" and The "Confused Soul". If I had to admit to myself, I can honestly say that they did make a difference and made me realise the depth of the relationship between The Roadster and Myself. Looking back 5 years ago, it was hard for me to realised what kind of situation I was really in when I was involved with them but now I had the chance to step out of it.. I realised that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't as brave and gutsy as I thought I was. Maybe I wasn't that callous and unaffected by anything. That I was not indestructable. I guess there was some degree of hurt and betrayal, but somehow I managed to get through it.. and yet survive. I mean, I do think about the times spent, what we did from time to time, but I also do wonder, how was it possible to be betrayed by two people whom I really do feel alot for.

They said an Aries will love with an intensity and with such passion that it would engulf the other party and burn them, but somehow I didn't really think so at that point of time... Did I love The "Confused Soul", I reluctantly admitted I did to myself after 1 and a 1/2 years of trying to deny and to fight anything. Did I love The "Temptress"? I did, but not with the same intensity. I was the "Male" in that relationship and yet I managed to love her with the indifference of the likes of my other exs who showed me indifference, due to my size and my character.. I was behaving as they were, when I myself was a female.. Sigh.. I guess to hide from my own insecurities, I sometimes try too hard not to exhibit.. but then again, the more I try to do so, the more the feeling overflows... I guess I can never stop loving people with that intensity.. which at time cause me to feel hurt that I cannot really describe..

But I am thankful for that event that has happened... If not I would not have met the friends that I have now.. who are willing to stand by me and be with me through thick or thin, no matter the distance. It really makes me grateful for that.. It also make me feel grateful for finally deciding and stick to being with The Roadster... he changed me as well and taught me to love myself. I see us day by day.. the love and respect growing.. It's hard to believe that he himself has changed as well.. He seems a lot more wiser and not as fool hardy and hot tempered at he was before... I guess that's what we call being familar with each other, being use to each other's presence and We won't know if we made the right decision till we are at our death beds...

I don't think the Little Jade Queen then and the Little Jade Queen now is different.. and yet they are not really the same.. aren't they?....

When Boredom Sets in.. and I think I might have something.

2009-08-06T19:35:00.002+08:00

Have you ever reached a point in your life whereby you know you are thinking about something, but you don't know what you are thinking about? I think I have already reached that part of my life. Apparently, after I got back from the pub, I went to the kitchen to prepare my breakfast of oats and strawberries which was conviently located in a cupboard overhead. As I was preparing my breakfast, I kind of dropped my Ipod on the floor and picked it up. I can't remember why I didn't remember that I have left the cupboard opened, but I stood up and walked straight into it. Hitting me square on the forehead. I have noticed that I have been doing that rather recently, for example, while I was ironing. I wasn't really distracted by something, but your mind just went blank for a moment and you just went ahead with the motions of doing things, but not really thinking about what you are doing. Well, number of countless injuries have appeared from these miniture blank moments and I really don't understand where did they come from.

One explaination is that I am too bored and I have been worried about my visa, which hasn't appeared in the last 2 months. I really do wonder if I am going to get it I obviously wouldn't want to end up as a statistic in the bloody database of the UK Immigration, whereby I would "Overstay" my stay, and it would not be entirely my fault. I don't understand why it would take soo long, and furthermore, I am not one of those other immigrants to have come here using other methods. I don't really understand when you don't claim benefits, pay tax while you work and then pay through your bloody teeth for every bloody documents to secure your stay, that It woudl take sooooo bloooooddddyyyy long just to get it approved. I mean I can understand that there are millions of people trying to stay in this country, but how many of them are genuine cases like mine.

Recently, I have been into amirugumi, which is the art of crocheting animals, toys which averages from 3 inches to 6 inches and stuffed with toy stuffing for a cute kid's toy or decorations. I spent a full 5 hours on just one octopus, which I am very proud of, but yet my satin stitch is something that needs to be greatly approved. The Roadster has been proud of me and have been very supportive of me for everything I do. But it's been rather werid lately. I've been getting letargic and then further to that, I've been having weird dreams, for example like last night. I dreamt that we were asleep in bed. He was in the position nearest to the wall, I was in the middle of the bed and right next to me nearest to the outside of the bed was a baby.. NOW That's what I call weird.. So I really think that there is something wrong with me.. and I can't really decipher what it is.. and Please don't tell me that it's my biological clock telling me to have children, cos I don't think I am really ready for it...

I really should be getting back to my novels and I really think I should start on them again, but how do u follow up on something when you have been brain dead...

BLASTED... Even my blog posting doesn't make sense anymore.. Cos I am talking random crap!!!

How long is it going to take?

2009-07-26T03:19:00.003+08:00

Well Well, I have been waiting for my Spouse visa to be approved since 28th of May 09 and it is now nearing the 28th fo July, two months. I still haven't heard anything and the best thing of it all, I can't even call to chase or to even check with regards to the status of it. That's what the Home Office is like. I am currently in a lobo situation where I am neither here or there.

My ex bosses are desperately waiting for me to get back to work and I am suddenly feeling that as well as I need to work. I mean The Roadster has the means and capabilities to take care of me, but I suddenly lose the independance that I have before. The ability to earn my own money and most importantly, the ability to spend MY OWN money. I mean, lots of girls would want their husband to buy things for them, pay the things that they want. But I always believe that if I have the capabilities to earn my own money, I would have the satisfaction to buy my own things with my own money, just like my Vivienne Westwood Ring and My LV Wallet. There is this sense of pride when you can buy the things you want with your own hard earned money.

As you all know, The Roadster and I haven't been married long, but yet there is this sudden awakening of my maternal instincts and craving all of a sudden to have a child, WHICH I QUICKLY Shrugged off. I mean, it's not that we do not want children, The Roadster and I are quite practical with regards to that. I mean I know he adopts an "IF it happens, it happens" attitude towards it. I, on the other hand, would rather both of us be prepared, financially and emotionally. I mean I know I would get child benefit when my child is born here, but I am a singaporean and we singaporean no nothing about benefits. I mean I know that the government back home is giving more benefits if you have more children back home, but here.. Have you seen the number of young teenage mothers pushing prams? They are not even in their late teens. Some of them are as young as 14. I really do wonder what is going on in the British society, one whom the world look up to with regards to tradition, culture and the kind of "proper" up-bringing that older generation try to instill in the youngsters today. Unfortunately, Britain is filled with drunk yobs who have no questions or doubt in their minds to lob you one if you so pisses them off. I mean I sometimes don't even feel safe going out if it gets dark and in the winter time when it gets dark at around 5 pm, I am no where seen outside.

Currently, I am trying to fill my time up, while waiting for my visa I might add, by doing crocheting, knitting, cooking and then Wii. I am still playing MY SIMS at the moment and I hate to say this, but I did something that as a person who DOES Play RPG Games in her haydays, Like Diablo and Warcraft, that I almost managed to complete the game, but being caught up in the spur of the moment, lost her ability to save as she goes along, only to realise that when her Wii hangs on her, rendering her to the starting point where she started. I mean come on! I spent nearly One whole day reaching one star and Now I have to start all over again... CRAP. Somehow, if you can read between the lines, You can pretty much see that this is what i do all day, with the exceptions of days when my husband is free and we go grocery shopping together or when he comes home to stay the night from the pub. I mean, I am never quite a loner, but I just some how don't really fit in here. Well then again, there is the age gap with the girls here. I mean they are like 20, 21 or younger and all they do is go out and get pissed... I mean seriously, If I was that age again, I would, and Cheryl would agree with me cos when I was 21, 22, 23, all we did was go Zouk every wednesday (More like me) or go to a Starbucks hang around. Now, I just can't catch up or keep up with them. As I age, I just want to have it easy, like go out to have a drink, sit down and talk and just enjoy people's company. I am starting to miss all my best friends back home more now then ever, Especially Cheryl, Aric and Teeny. Gwad how I miss them all.

At any rate, If I don't keep myself occupied, I might go mad soon with waiting for the visa and the lack of human interaction isn't helping much. Which is making me wonder why I have an obsession with crocheted bikinis at the moment. To add insult to this situation, I some how managed to start writing again, Which means AIKIKO REI Will be resurrected, BUT!!!! and I mean a big BUT... I did start on two different chapters.. and don't know how to continue.. I guess I will be working on it again... ANIME time.

Also, I kindda revived my obsessions with GACKT.. I bought his new EPs from itunes and got it into my Ipod.. and I noticed the difference in his voice now then before. It's deeper and more timbre compared to before. which kind of send chills down my spine... But then again I digress and I am talking alot of crap now...

Guess it's boredom and loneliness for you... ^_^

This always cracks me up

2009-02-18T03:39:00.002+08:00

Still Pondering and worried about something in the past that might cause a ripple in my heart

2008-11-30T06:21:00.003+08:00

The Little Jade Queen looks out of her window and starts to wonder if the Roadster and her didn't survive the distance and in the end, his past came and taken him away from her. What would have happened?

I understand that it's all in the past, but I still do wonder... Does she still have that place in his heart or have I taken over it? I guess the answer won't be known until it has been asked and even so, I wonder if I would be satisfied with the answer he gives me. I remember in 2004, we had a major argument and it's been after I have come here to visit him. The Roadster and her are still in contact and I believe that if she wasn't with her bf at that time, she would still stand a chance in his life.. but I do wonder if now, would it be the same?

Recently, she messaged him on MSN and when I asked who it was, he said it was just a friend and turned the computer away. I asked a second time and he got a bit irritated and told me again that it was just a friend. At that moment, I knew it was her. I still don't understand why at this stage he can't tell me that he is still talking to her. Has he got something to hide? Is she still that important to him? I mean we are making our wedding plans, but am I willing to believe that she is non-existant in his life? I don't really know.. I am still unsure about things, especially about her... Why does she have to message him out of the blue when she hasn't been contacting him for such a long time? I have been very clear with regards to my exs and I have no hesitation to tell him that I am talking to my exs, but I am very clear with regards to my friendship with them. Why does she make me fear and doubt him? Why do I still feel that I am unable to replace her, even though I have went through thick and thin with him? I mean I don't expect him to erase her from his life, but I wish it would have been more clear cut about it. I mean once a woman begins to doubt, I mean, what possiblities does it have to cause her to go into a massive frenzy of worry, doubt and even being suspicious? When I ask him certain questions, he doesn't give me a clear answer and I can never be sure about things, especially regarding her. Even though there was another incident with another girl before 2004, It was very clear cut with regards to his feelings with that girl, but her?? I am not too sure..

I guess Ridzwan was right... I portray myself to be a confident person, sure of holding my man's heart, but yet it is just a facade as I am actually a needy person, who cling on to something that I think I should deserve. Sigh... I am really a selfish person, who expects things to be returned as I have sacrificed so much and put in so much. I guess I am a person who expects my other half to return equally if not much more than I have put in, yet.. am I getting what I truly think I am suppose to get? I find it very surprising that at this stage of the relationship, I am still having these thoughts and I am still doubting about my place in his heart. If there ever come a day whereby we do not work out, and she just happens to come back into his life, will everything that has been laid down for the past seven years go to waste and she just comes in and picks up the pieces just like I have when she left him seven years ago?

I will never forget that tears he shed because of her.. even if their relationship was just a short lived 8 months.. sometimes I wonder could those 8 months be even more precious than our 7 years together? Could she take him away from him, if she really wanted? I wonder if this is a stance of a woman who is so confident that she will always remain important to a man and knows that no matter what, he won't be able to replace her in his heart, even though he has someone else? Or is it just sheer cockiness that she can come in and out of his life as and when she wants, just by leaving him a message to see how he is and tries to get that assurance that she is still important to him? If it comes a day that that happens, will I be able to stand up to it and say to her, "You had your chance, you hurt him and left me to pick up the pieces and mend his heart. What right do you have to come into our relationship now and ruin everything that I have worked hard for... for him to love me, for him to accept me, for him to decide that I am the one who will never leave him in rich, in poor, in sickness, in health, for better or worst? What makes you so sure that you are still there in his life? You have done nothing but cause him hurt, and pain, made him shed wasted tears on you as you have left him. Do you think you are still worth such respect and admiration from him?"

But then again, will I really be able to take that stance of a woman defending to keep what she believes that it is hers? Or will I just walk away to lick my wounds? I really do wonder if this is worth thinking about... or maybe it's just me being scared to lose everything? Only he can give me that answer, but I wonder if he will be able to tell me with deep honesty of it..

Everyone is getting married.. I wonder if i am gonna have a wonderful wedding too

2008-11-03T02:50:00.002+08:00

Another evening here in Enfield and while watching X factor (repeat) on ITV2, I was surfing through facebook and saw that one of my pre-uni classmate has gotten married and she looked beautiful in her wedding dress and even held it at Raffles hotel, which reminds me that one of my close friends and my insurance agent, Paul is getting married on the 13th of December, which is James and my anniversary... 7 years.... sigh... I also saw the pic of one of my pre-uni mate's son... Everyone is going so far and so well in their life, but it makes me wonder if I will ever have that fairytale ending that I want to finally bring a closure for my seven year relationship with James.

It's been a hard long seven years, facing with the distance between us and all our trails and tribulations. I mean, look at Perlin, after all the hard work and waiting and paperwork, she finally got her visa approved and she will be married as soon as she get back to the US. Heartfelt congrats to her and my blessing be with her.. She really deserve it. I on the other hand, has been wondering and planning for a wedding for myself that I will not forget for the rest of my life... but the fear is there that my wedding won't be to what I expect... I want a simple wedding, a red and white theme for my wedding... Red for all the love, blood and tears that we have went through, the sacrifices we had made for us to be together, white for the new beginning and for the future that we will have the blessings from our parents and friends and the love and mercy of God for letting us find each other and for the patience that James have through all my moments of weakness and for supporting me through all these years and after our loss together when I was here. It has been a hard seven years for the both of us and I want something that will solidify our love and show that it has been worth the hard work...

I am not jealous of my friends, but there are times that I am envious... cos I know that I might not get the kind of wedding that I dreamt of having, but then again.. dreaming of something and in reality, it would be a different matter all together.. I realised that I have been content of having what I could have and James has been giving me much more that I could want at times, there are moments that I want more.. maybe I shouldn't be greedy and ask for more than I could chew, I should be happy with what I have, but there are moments where you want more emotionally....

There are times that I feel that if we miss this chance, it will never come again and I might miss it totally... Sigh... I wonder why I am feeling this way... Is it that gravity of the matter finally hitting me? Or is it that I am passing through a phase that I just want things to happen now... and not wait for it anymore... What am I to do??

Time to set everything in motion

2008-10-11T17:42:00.002+08:00

This was sent to me by Perlin and it absolutely cracked me up...

Anyway, marriage plans are finally set in motion... after nearly 5 years of contemplating, The Roadster and the Little Jade Queen has decided to a union. I cannot begin what stress this brings... Dealing with his parents and then dealing with my family. It has started to dawn on me that getting married is a pretty stressful business but The Roadster and I will make the best out of it.. The idea that I have to get across to my mother is that this is "OUR" wedding and our lives together not the family's wedding. I can understand from the point that it's about showing the man's ablility to take care of the woman, but The Roadster has been taking care of me and supporting me since the moment I have stepped foot here in the UK, Even through the most heartbreaking moment when we had to give up something that has come a little too early and too soon. But through it all, he stood by me and for that I am very greatful.

This relationship did come a long way and through all the ups and downs, the trust is built and the love grows stronger.... I know my friends tell me that the moment I am with him here in the UK, I will go back with him, but it just proves that maybe I can not have him out of my life at all, even if we are friends... Don't ask me what, there is just something that bonds me and him together and we are ready to go forward and take the next step in this relationship.. now all I have to do is just discuss the finer details with my family even though they have agreed and is happy for my decision to finally tie the knot... but it's all the face value stuff that i wanna get rid of...ARGH!!!!

Goodbye my Little Dream

2008-09-01T01:12:00.001+08:00

My Dear Precious Child whom I will never be able to ever hold,

It came as a shock to both your daddy and me that you have all of a sudden came into our lives, but unfortunately, we are unable to keep you. It’s not that we never wanted you, but we are unable. Given our situation, it’s almost impossible for us to be able to care for you and to bring you into this world. Even though we know that we might be able to bring you into this world and care for you, but we do not want and wish for you to suffer with us. It may not be easy for you to understand the fear and disappointment that you might have to face if you were to become a reality. Your daddy and I do not wish to bring you into a world whereby you might have to struggle with us not being there for you all the time when you grow up. We have to work hard and even at irregular hours, we might not be able to give you what ever you wish for in your early life. There are times we wish we are able to bring you in our world and give you everything that you need when you need. We would want to be able to prove to them that we are able to give you your every wish and whim, but we are unable to.

Please understand that how heartbreaking it is for your daddy and me to make this decision and I know I might regret this decision. It would be the only regret in my whole entire life as I might not be strong enough to give you my one hundred percent to have the courage to say that I can and will be able to do it and give everything that we have taken away from you. You are a gift from God that we are unable to accept at this point of our lives and we may never be the parents that you might have. Everyday I think of this, it breaks my heart but unfortunately we do not want you to suffer with us with the daily thought of being to go though days of having just enough and being satisfied of having just what can be obtained. I’ve been through life, being content with what I have, while my friends has everything that their parent can give to them. I do not want you to think to yourself of things such as, “Why my parents can’t do this for me” or “Why can’t I have what my friends have”. We do not want you to be envious of anyone or belittle yourself.

I’m sorry, my dearest child whom is conceived out of love, but yet have come at a wrong time. It’s not that we don’t want you, but it’s because we can’t keep you. Your daddy and I are sorry that we are not able to bring you into our lives and it will be a scar that will forever be in our hearts and in our lives. Call us selfish if you must, but please do not blame your father and me. All we can ask is for you to forgive us as it is too soon for you to join us and we do not want you to be ridiculed for the rest of your life that you were borne out of wedlock and your grandparents might not be able to accept it. If they knew you, they might have loved you and give you the love that they will give you. But unfortunately, the fates are against us. Please forgive us that we will never be able to see the first time that you will open your eyes and cry, forgive for that we will never be able to see your smile, hear your first words and see you take your first step. Please forgive us for we will not be able to see your first birthday, or to see the love that your aunts, uncles, grandparents and godparents showering you. Please forgive us for everything that we are about to take away from you.

As time goes by, you’ll see this of me, I loved you enough to let you go free….

Unspeakable feelings.

2008-04-04T14:12:00.000+08:00

What more can I say??

<< The Princess and the Swine... Erm.. Jaga>>

2008-03-17T13:10:00.003+08:00

(Little Jade Queen: " Don't ask me about the word "Swine-Jaga". I don't know the precise term. It's this stupid story that I heard long ago, which I re-did it to a poem version < N.B: Best Read when listening to Blue Ridge Saga *Band Music Fanatic*. Gives a better image and ambience>. Anyone knows the actual term for the "Swine-Whateva" Please enlighten this poor ignorant soul. *Snicker*")

"As the sun rises on the distant land,
A Prince sets out bright and early,
To succeed in his task at hand.
For today he shall go beyond yonder and dale
To seek out Princess Evelyn Vale.

This Princess he seeks to wed,
Now to ask the King, he has prepared..
A carriage pulled by twenty white horses,
Lined two by two they go.
(Just as long as you don't get nauseous)
Plates of food and delicacies from exotic lands
(Not to mention toys for erotic plans *wink wink*)
One Peacock and Peahen stuffed
With semi-precious stones and jewels
From some where in Kashmir Land.
Last but not least,
(So I heard from the Squire)
A Rolls Royce and a Bentley that he can hire.

"Onwards, We go!" The Prince cried,
(With a bunch of 'Hi-Hos' by the side)
Away they went, to the faraway land,
To seek Princess Evelyn's Hand.

Now to a point, I want to add
About Princess Evelyn Vale.
(Please don't think me mad)
She's pretty, elegant
and full of grace
But this precious jewel,
It's just the surface.
For she has only one flaw..
(Oh I can't act, I can't pretend, That the Princess is out of hand)

As from young, every will and whim,
From the highlands, flat lands, even my cat,
Was given to this spoilt little selfish brat.
Thanks to the idiot of a king
Who spares no expenses as his precious sings
"Daddy, dearest, Daddy True,
Can I have the back-up treasury to buy some shoes?"
Chop Chop, Quick Quick the money went,
Now all the King does is raise the tax.

People of this far away land don't complain,
I mean they even love singing in the rain.
For they love the royal family dearly.
Thus the Moolas they gave clearly.
Many princes, King and even Esquire,
Dukes, Sultans, Monarch and even a Rajah,
Tried to make Princess Evelyn their bride.
Unfortunately they always fail,
To the King, none of them prevail.
But what about this Prince, you might say.
Sit back, Relax and Come what May..."

Alright.. This is part one.. I shall continue this another time.. Just to get this verbal rubbish out of my tiny head at the moment.. TOOO BUSY GETTING READY TO GO TO THE LAND OF BIG BEN AND FISH & CHIPS!!!

For Cheryl - Let Go..

2008-03-01T13:10:00.002+08:00

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From the single "Let Go"

* Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta leave my past behind and let go
Let go (let go) let go (let go) let go...
I know I gotta be strong
You better know where you're going
and know where you're from
Better believe it baby, let's go...

kono mama wasurerarenakute
tojikomete wa irarenakute
fumikonja ikenai to wakattetemo
kono kimochi doushitemo gotta let you know
atsuku hageshiku ugoku jikan no naka de
hoshii yo kimi no heart, boy isshun demo

** kanawanai koi ni oboretemo kono mama
yume kara sametakunai CAN'T LET GO
wagamama demo ii
yuruganai ai ga koko ni hoshii yo

come one now baby, come on...

(RAP)
yeah, yeah, yeah...
subete no hajimari wa "Hey how you doin'?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
futari me to me ga ai maku aketa SUTO-RI-
yeah, yeah, yeah...
soshite, deai to wakare ga SETTO ka no you ni
yeah, yeah, yeah...
toki wa tomari, soba ni inakutemo
I'm alright nante tsuyogari
demo tonari ni inai to kokoro itami
Just wanderin' if you feel the same onaji
kimochi na no ka tashikametakute maji
karamawari shite bakari ain't nobody demo
kowagarazu ni tazuna yurumete'kou
jiyuu tsukamu tame let go... I'm tellin' you
EGO wa kokoro no TERO...

so, just listen

amaku shizuka ni toki wa nagareteku noni
karada ga It's breaking apart boy doushite

*** kowaresou na kurai fuan ni naru dake
Oh why hitorijime shitaku naru no
nani mo iwazu ni
tada kimi no ai ga koko ni hoshii yo

* repeat

(RAP)
Love train... ni kakekomi jousha shita kedo
matte wa kurenai risou kara straight no chase
mou speed de genjitsu made run, run, run
tomaru koto nai tokei no hari
ichido dake tsukaeru MAJIKKU, unmei no kagi
love de gyakuten, azawarau logic
isoganai to Mr. Heartbreak might stay
makimodosu iroaseta kioku saisei

Tell me how to be free
Oh baby, oh baby
Will my heart be free
So tell me isshun demo

**, *** repeat
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Let Go (romaji lyrics)
by: m-flo loves YOSHIKA
Translated by: Malraux

How things stand, I couldn't just forget you
I can't just shut you away
While I know that we couldn't let it get any deeper
No matter what, I've got to let you know how I feel
Especially when I'm giving it all I've got
I want your heart boy, even if it's just for one moment

** I'm still drowning in this love that cannot be
I don't want to wake from this dream CAN'T LET GO
It's selfish, but I don't care
I want your unwavering love right here

come one now baby, come on...

(RAP)
yeah, yeah, yeah...
It all started off with "Hey how you doin'?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
A love story wound open as we met eye to eye
yeah, yeah, yeah...
And now, I'm left wondering "do love and loss come as a set?"
yeah, yeah, yeah...
Time stands still, even though I left you

(RAP)
I make myself believe that I'm alright
Though it hurts my heart for you not to be by my side
Just wanderin' if you feel the same (same)
I wanna see if these feelings are for real

(RAP)
Idling away your life doesn't make you nobody
So don't be afraid, loosen up your reins
If you wanna be free, let go... I'm tellin' you
EGO is terrorism of the heart

so, just listen

Though sweet and silent time passes by
My body - It's breaking apart, boy why does it have to be like this?

*** I'm envoloped by dark anxiety. (I feel like I'm going to break.)
Oh why do I try to monopolise love?
All without saying a thing
All I want is for your love to be right here

(RAP)
I lept aboard just as the Love Train's doors began to shut
A man who doesn't like to wait, straight no chase
Speeding towards the reality we now face. run, run run,
The hands on my watch don't stop
The magic that only works once, the key to destiny
How suddenly things changed, it ridicules logic
Don't hurry and Mr. Heartbreak might stay
Rewind, fade, the memory returns

Tell me how to be free
Oh baby, oh baby
Will my heart be free
So tell me even for just a moment

**, *** repeat
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's time to let go... Just like you have told me.. it would be for the better and I'm here for you always, just like you have been here for me.. Taisetsuna no Tomodachi...

Well Do YA? Do Ya Wanna? Well, Do Ya, Do wanna, wanna go of what I'd never let you before?

2008-02-27T20:18:00.003+08:00

That was the ending of Paradise Kiss, this new anime that I happened to watched. You know, as I watched this anime, I find the style rather familiar and finally realised that it was done by the same manga artist that did NANA... Hee.. Well, Nana is one of my fave anime.. and as I watch Paradise kiss.. I fell in love with one of the the characters.

(Readers: "OH NO! Not another obession... When will you ever grow up?" *Little Jade Queen blushed and shrugs* Little Jade Queen: "Well, my obsession for Anime men probably is stemed from the fact that 1. There are no such guys in the world and 2. Even if there are, they won't even take a glance at me. SO LEAVE ME BE!!")

This is Koizumi Jouji or George.. But I would rather call him Jouji. In Paradise Kiss, he's a young aspiring fashion designer whose natural talent is in creating haute couture style clothing. Even his dress sense tells you that. He wears designer suits, hats and even victorian style clothing.

Well in the anime or manga, Jouji fell in love with the female lead called Yukari or Caroline as she is affectionately called by the crew of Parakiss.

The girl in the school uniform is Yukari, the punk dude is Arashi whose girlfriend is Miwako (The pink haired girl). The Other "Woman" or Transvestite so to speak is Jouji's childhood friend, Isabella or also known as Daisuke (even though he hated to be called that. Jouji has never made it know to Yukari that he loves her, but he shows it in his own way how important she is, even though he seems so thoughtless at times and couldn't careless about her actions and aloof, nor does he explain his own actions to her. One can see that both of them are very attracted to each other but Jouji isn't the kind to be easily emotional. That's an artist's quirk, I guess and it turns me on.. SIGH...

Don't I wish I would be kissed by him.. Ahahaha DROOLZZZ

He's just hot.. ahahah that's all I can say...

Somebody come take away my pain....

2007-12-30T22:23:00.000+08:00

Truth
Let me stay with you
傷つけあうのに
何故こんなに　求めてしまうの
Don't you know my heart
素直になれずにいたの
ただひとつの愛が欲しいのに…

めぐり逢えた奇跡を信じて
奏でて行きたい　あなたへのmelody
もしもすべてを　失くしてしまっても
この思いは永遠なの
It's my Truth

Believe in yourself
つまずいたときも　歩いてきた　涙を拭って
Open up your heart
想い出の先にきっと　明日という　希望があるから

Give me your Loneliness
and I'll give you my Tenderness
忘れないでいて　あの日みた夢を
離れていても　この胸にいつでも
感じている　あなただけを
It's my Truth

散らばる星が囁きかける
戸惑う心を照らしながら
出逢いと別れ　人は探すの
いつか結び合える強い絆を

世界中の悲しみをすべて
受け止めてもいい　あなたの為なら
世界中から置き去りにされても
その瞳を信じている
It's my Truth
------------------------------------

Let me stay with you
kizutsukeau noni
naze konna ni motomete shimau no
Don't you know my heart
sunao ni narezu ni ita no
tada hitotsu no ai ga hoshii noni...

meguriaeta kiseki wo shinjite
kanadete yukitai anata e no melody
moshimo subete wo nakushite shimattemo
kono omoi wa eien na no
It's my Truth

Believe in yourself
tsumazuita toki mo aruite kita namida wo nugutte
Open up your heart
omoide no saki ni kitto ashita to iu kibou ga aru kara

Give me your Loneliness
and I'll give you my Tenderness
wasurenaide ite ano hi mita yume wo
hanarete itemo kono mune ni itsu demo
kanjite iru anata dake wo
It's my Truth

chirabaru hoshi ga sasayakikakeru
tomadou kokoro wo terashinagara
deai to wakare hito wa sagasu no
itsuka musubiaeru tsuyoi kizuna wo

sekaijuu no kanashimi wo subete
uketometemo ii anata no tame nara
sekaijuu kara okizari ni saretemo
sono hitomi wo shinjite iru
It's my Truth
-----------------------------------

Let me stay with you
Why is it that we want it so much
Even though we hurt one another?
Don't you know my heart?
I couldn't even be myself
I just want a single love..

I want to believe in the miracles that we've encountered
and play a melody for you
Even if I were to lose everything
These memories would be forever
It's my truth.

Believe in yourself
In times when you fall
You just kept on walking, wiping away the tears
Open up your heart
Up ahead in your memories, certainly
There is a hope called "Tomorrow"

Give me your loneliness
And I'll give you my tenderness
Don't forget about the dreams you had on that day
Even if we're apart, I'll always feel
Only you, in my heart
It's my truth

The scattered stars whisper
As they shine down on my lost heart
Meetings and parting, people search for them.
One day, We'll be able to tie a strong bond between one another

All the world's sadness
if it's for you, I'd accept them all
And even if I'm left behind by all of the rest of the world
I'll still believe in your eyes.
It's my truth.

Cracks me up everytime i listen to it!

2007-11-24T12:02:00.000+08:00

"I'm coming over the Distance.. to be with you

2007-10-20T14:21:00.000+08:00

OVER THE DISTANCE - YAIDA HITOMI

Continuing on endlessly,
I travel in a single azure wave,
My imagination flourishes,
The changes in the surroundings are too fleeting to hate.

You have traveled
On each and every coast,
How can I reach your heart?
I can't see you when I want to.

I don't need anything.
I want to touch you.
The wind passing me by in the city pierces my heart.
Whenever I remember,
I try caring.
A single tear falls,
But it won't reach you.

I might as well be vague,
If I end up searching for reasons for my actions,
I'll surely be stronger.
The next time we meet.

I don't need anything.
I want to touch you.
A song that has lost its destination echoes in my heart.
Back then, I couldn't make it and the future seemed too far away.
But without you, it means nothing.

When I come to I'm here again,
Where it all began, a voice of warmth.

It seems harder than I thought
I'd rather you break through and come to me now.

Like the voice of a small bird that can't sing in the sky,
It's so painful, but without you...

I want to fly.
I want to see you now.
I want to hear you say "I love you" with my own ears.
I want to believe.
I want to protect you.
I want to be one with you.

Sainagenaku tsuzuite iku konpekiya na hitotsu no nami ni notte
Sosou wa haran de iku kankyou no henka o natsun demo hakanai

Arayuru kaion o aruite kita anata no mune ni
Nani ga dekuru darou
Aitai toki ni aenai

Nani ni moiranai anata ni kakeretai
Michi desure chikau ga mune ni samiru
Omoi dasu tabi shinpai shite mitari
Namida ga ichita dakedo anata niwa todokanai

Isso aimai de iiya
Koudou ni riyuu o sagasu you ni naru no nara
Tsugi ni au ni niwa kitto tsuyoku naru

Nani nimo iranai anata ni kakeretai
Iki sho o dakushita sake ga mune ni aku
Jyoutsuku oyogenai ano toku no mirai
Doushitemo ooi dakedo anata janakya imi nai
Ki ga tsuzukeba mata koko ni iru hajimari no basho nuku mori no koe

Omotte ita yori nioku wa nai mitai
Isso ima goto tobbaratte kite hoshii
Sora de sakeinai shoryo no koe mitai
Konna ni kurushii dakedo anata janakya...

Tobende iki tai ima sugu aitai
Jibun no mimi de aishiterutte kikitai no
Shinjite itai mamotte ikitai
kekatte itai...

際限なく続いて行く紺蒼な一つの波に乗って
現想は膨らんで行く環境の変化を憎んでもはかない

あらゆる海岸を歩いてきたあなたの胸に
何が出来るだろう
会いたい時に会えない

何にもいらないあなたに触れたい
街ですれ違う風が胸に染みる
思い出す度心配してみたり
涙が一粒だけどあなたには届かない

いっそ曖昧でいいや
行動に理由を探すようになるのなら
次に会う日にはきっと強くなる

何にもいらないあなたに触れたい
行き場を失くした唄が胸に響く
上手く泳げないあの時の未来
どうしても遠いだけどあなたじゃなきゃ意味ない
気が付けばまたここにいる始まりの場所ぬくもりの声

思っていたより甘くはないみたい
いっそ今ごととっぱらって来て欲しい
空で唄えない小鳥の声みたい
こんなに苦しいだけどあなたじゃなきゃ・・・

飛んで行きたい今すぐ会いたい
自分の耳で愛してるって聞きたいの
信じていたい守っていきたい
繋がっていたい・・・

The CountDown Begins

2007-10-05T22:12:00.000+08:00

You are The Tower

Ambition, fighting, war, courage. Destruction, danger, fall, ruin.

The Tower represents war, destruction, but also spiritual renewal. Plans are disrupted. Your views and ideas will change as a result.

The Tower is a card about war, a war between the structures of lies and the lightning flash of truth. The Tower stands for "false concepts and institutions that we take for real." You have been shaken up; blinded by a shocking revelation. It sometimes takes that to see a truth that one refuses to see. Or to bring down beliefs that are so well constructed. What's most important to remember is that the tearing down of this structure, however painful, makes room for something new to be built.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Alright.. That's what I am.. "The Tower" A.K.A "War". I always knew I was the distructive one... I mean come on.. I'm an Aries.. Aries is the name of the God of War in Greek Mythology and well.. I am ruled under the planet Venus... such a womanly red planet.. and well.. I think I am nuts...

Your clan is a dysfunctional one. That is because you are a Malkavian. Something is poisonous about this clan's blood that drives all those embraced to madness. However, in this madness, you tend to have great insight. Unfortunately, people just take it as senseless ramblings. In every family there is an insane one. You're it.

What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

I've always knew that..

Lame boredom has set in.. and the countdown begins to the 15 of FEB 2007 THE DAY AFTER VALENTINE'S. Cos that's the day I head on over the Land of Big Ben and Fish and Chips... I miss him loads...

The Hunt for Halloween Costume: Operation KOGAL UNIFORM

2007-09-01T17:25:00.000+08:00

And so the countdown to Halloween has begun.. 60 days till Halloween and I wanted to something rather interesting this year.. TO GO TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY FULLY DRESSED WITH A COSTUME.. and I am not sure what I want to go as.. Perlin is kindda going as a witch this year and wanted to either go for a Kimono or a japanese Kogal Girl in Uniform.. (Readers:" U sure you want to go as a Kogal? I mean they are slim, sexy.. tanned skin and well looking like an inverted panda with their tanned skin and white eyeliners. How can you possibly fit the role? *Little Jade Queen frowns and clenched her fist* Little Jade Queen: "ERm.. no.. but hey.. i'm trying to lose weight.. and I'm actually planning to buy it for some other reasons... maybe a Kimono?" Readers ponders)

Well, What to do.. I really need to do some sourcing.. So now I need to gather information and asked certain auction sites as well as check out the Kimono stores at Central...

SIGH

(Kiss~A Love Song on the Way Home~)

2007-08-23T23:40:00.000+08:00

I've found such a nice song... Recently have been listening to too much japanese songs and yet they have a certain quality that english songs lack.. the depth and the emotions.. You just have to listen to this.. Not to mentioned I've finished watching Gravitation and Gravitation OVAs.. I practically laughed my head off.. Currently been able to continue with my novels.. and the count down to my visa application to the UK has begun.. only need that single letter from the other side and I'm ready to put this three year plan into action.

(*Readers:" Oh.. so it's been three years since you started planning to head over to be with Roadster?" *Little Jade Queen nods* Little Jade Queen: "It's been too long so I guess He needs some company." Readers: "You mean you don't want him to find company over there." *Little Jade Queen glares at the Readers, hands poised over her coffee mug on the table.)

Anyway as I was saying... Let me up date on the stats of my novels.

1) The Jaded Requiem - 50 Hits, 1 Review (Haven't really got anymore ideas for this.. 5 chapters total)

2) The Fifth Gear - 1 Hit, 0 Reviews (Still new, one chapter nia)

3) Forbidden - 1306 Hits and counting, 2 Reviews (total of 17 Chapters, currently writing on the 18th, so far so good for Aikiko Rei and Katsumi Yui)

4) Ode to my Beloved - 474 hits and counting, 11 Revies (Total of 9 Chapters, currently working on the 10th.. This by far has been one of those stories that has better reviews.. maybe cos of the story plot.. Plus I am totally in love with the Kyousuke Kei from this story as I managed to get my inspiration from GACKT *DROOLS*)

5) The Devil's Addiction - 2212 Hits and counting, 19 reviews, currently on the OC network (20 Chapters.. this is my Sesshomaru fanfic.. Sesshomaru's hot.. but I haven't got much inspiration on how to continue.. maybe i should look at more pics of kimono clad women and swords..)

Anyway here are the translated lyrics of Kiss~A Love Song on The way home~ or the japanese title Kiss Kaerimichi no love song by Tegomass

" All alone in the park, our usual bench on the way home
You were playing around more than usual, so I looked at you and asked

"If the world ended tomorrow, what would you do?"
You didn't say anything, just gripped my arm tightly

Hey, look at me
Your lips are so close, my heart won't stop pounding

I'll accept all of you, all the time
And when your heart is hurt and the tears spill over
I'll protect you, even if it means making an enemy of the whole world
I love you, I don't need words
You are my final kiss, always

At our usual parting place, there's nothing I can do, I know
I puff up my cheeks and let go of your hand, "I've gotta go"

Hey, look at me
I'm so close to your lips, my heart won't stop pounding

Even I can be strong when you're with me
Love is a strange magic spell, there's nothing to fear
I won't let you go, even if it means making an enemy of the whole world
Stand by me, I don't want anyone else
I just want you to be with me forever

Ah, with your innocent face, you say
"Hey, when I'm a grandma, will you still kiss me?"
You know, when that happens, I'll be old, just the same as you
I won't let go of your hand in mine

I'll accept all of you, all the time
And when your heart is hurt and the tears spill over
I'll protect you, even if it means making an enemy of the whole world
I love you, I don't need words
You are my final kiss, always "

My Banner I made.. Nice??

The Old Me Vs The New Me

2007-08-07T23:01:00.010+08:00

The Old Me... Have youe ever wondered about that? Do you even remember what you were like before this person entered your life? I remembered a time whereby I was reckless, daring, independant, aggressive and do decisive on what I want to do and what I want in life. Everything was Me, Me and only Me.. till I met him, My Roadster. He changed my life totally, showed me what I am, showed me what I can achieve and yet then again, it isn't really me.

The New Me... Calm, collective, Still aggressive but know how to be submissive rather then fight and I am non confrontational, even though I would like to think otherwise. Also Tolerance of pain really increased, be it physical and emotional..

Think about it.. three Tattoos, a mulitude of heartaches and pented up frustrations at the fact that he doesn't listen at times and the distance.. Either I have become a pain junkie or I have turned numb...

The recent cold spell between us was really bad as he told me that he doesn't feel as if he was part of this relationship. That really hurts.. but I told him that he did the same to me before and have been doing so.. Will it make a difference if I did it as well? Apparently, it did... he didn't want to talk to me.. I didn't want to make the first move to talk to him... so we didn't talk for a week.. This is the first time it became such pure torture that I practically wanted to cry.. and I was crying inside till I cracked. I can't tell him how I feel... Till I was listening to Daniel Beddingfield's If you're not the one..

I know I know.. that's the most cliche song ever, but it really showed my feelings at that time.

"If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all"

Will I be able to have the strength to stand alone when you have always been by my side?

"If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?"

My heart aches when I don't see you nor hear you...

"If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?"

Being apart from you makes me feel lost, and hurt....

"I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life"

You are home, You are my comfort, my shelter, my solace, my joy...

"'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side"

No matter how far apart we are, I will alway be there.. I will alway be at your side till your final breath...

"I Miss You"

2007-06-15T08:35:00.000+08:00

Recently I have been thinking alot and well, There are changes in my life that have greatly made a big impact on my character. I guess I have changed due to the trails and tribulations that I have been through. I came to realise on what I really hold dear to myself. My closest friends, my family members, the bond between my siblings and me and most of all, my total lack of a "love life" right now.

Of late, being in a long distance relationship seems to be getting harder and harder. Maybe because I am not as patient as before, or maybe because the disappointments are harder and harder to swallow and bear. I have never realised that it is really this hard and best of all, it took me over 4 years to realise that. I guess you could blame me for being oblivious to this fact but I have put everything on the line for this relationship with him, blood, sweat, tears, laughter, heartache, longing, patience, trust, love and faith. i have actually turned myself to a so called recluse. Refusing to budge from the sanctuary of my home or the comfort I find in a little cup of coffee. But I guess this is part of life and we do need to progress and not harbor any bad feelings. I always believe that life brings you things and events that add colour to your life and etch your character.

Think of yourself as a blank book, and you are the one writing your own story and change the course of your life. However what you are writing with is a permanent marker and no correction tape, ink erasers or tearing out of the pages are allowed. This is life. It's a big pot of boiling soup and what you add in are the salt, sugar, vinegar and herbs to make it taste better. Even if it leaves a bad aftertaste, you shouldn't regret it and just continue going forward. Reminiscing on the past is good once in a whiled, but don't hold onto it too long. Memories are like faded pictures of the past and you can only re-live them in your mind, and using your hearts. I guess that's all the flavors of life.

I miss him........

"Kimi ni Aitakute" - I Miss you

Time to get it on... and I don't mean Sexually.. even though it could be a plus point

2007-02-04T16:16:00.000+08:00

I'm Back.. Badder and Spunkier than before (Readers:
"I don't think badder is a word.. Shouldn't it be worse?" *Little Jade Queen rolls eyes* Little Jade Queen: "It's a figurative of Speech..") Anyway.. I finally sent Roadster packing back home to the Land of Big Ben after 7 grueling months of trying to make things work.

(Readers: "WHAT?! You sent your Boyfriend, your soulmate, your husband to be, back to being alone there in that gloomy place? ARE U NUTS?! *Little Jade Queen throws a mug at Readers* Little Jade Queen: "I GOT STUFF AND I AIN'T AFRAID TO THROW THEM AT YOU!" *Readers take cover*)

Anyway, as I was saying, I sent him back so that we could work things out a little better. The distance does help, even though I can get lonely at time, But it'll work out.. cos now it's time to get things rolling.. YEs.. the time has come to finally set the ball rolling for the making of a 4 yr project.. the marriage and transistion into a Mrs.. Sigh.. And regrets? (*Little Jade Queen shakes her head*) Not really at the moment.. I don't think that something that I have been waiting for such a long time would make me get cold feet. I am fearless.. (*Suddenly remembers a song from a Living books story and hums it.. "I am fealess. I am brave.. nothing can make me afraid. I am fearless Tra la la la.. My name is.. Wait.. that's not my name*) Hahaha, sorry for the distraction.. I've been rather busy recentlty and have been throwing myself into doing stuff that keeps me distracted or on track of what I need to keep track on doing.. Here is my list..

1) Lose weight.. (Need to do so,, cos this is my only chance! LOL)
2) Save my butt off.. (Need the Money to take me where I need to Go or in case of emergency)
3) Work Work and Work!! (Gotta work.. can't stay at home being Idle and doing nothing.)

Erm.. I think I've gotten the workaholic symdrome.. and I guess it can't be help.. I just throw myself at work and focus.. even though there are times that I hate it.. but hey.. it pays for my livlihood.. (OMG.. I AM RANTING SHIT AGAIN...) ARGH.. SO many things to do.. Wedding, Lose weight, where to hold it.. where to get the gown.. catching up with friends.. HAIZZZ I miss him....

Overworked, Underpaid, Unappreciated and Unwanted.

2006-11-18T15:18:00.000+08:00

Well Well, It's time to start deciding what is going to happen in the next couple of months. The end of the financial year is coming to a close and well I'm going to be 2 yrs old in the agency come the 1st of Feb 2007. I guess I have hit a rut and well, things doesn't seems to be getting good. There are few reasons why the change in the dynamics in the agency seems rather drastic and well, emotions have been strained.

1) Cheryl is leaving at the end of the month to start another chapter in her career in AIA, the main company, the mothership and not working for a tiny speck in the agency force.

2) The eventual forming of SP-StanleyOng-Win, where by 5-6 of the agents are leaving and their Sales Secretay, June is leaving.

3) The departure of many of my dear friends, fellow collegues over the past year, Ailing, Kelvin Khoo, WanJun, Pong and Melvin, just to name a few

4) The drastic change in the relationship with my bosses... Actually one of my bosses.

Due the following reasons above, it's been rather draining on my part and I understand the pressure of shouldering the rest of the agency's admin on my part. As I am the "Lao Jiao" or "Old Bird" in the agency. The weight of making sure that the agency is runned properly is on my weary shoulders. I only wish someone would try to understand my position whereby my boss hates me and is waiting for the oppotunity to make me a scape goat, I'm looked upon as useless and yet indespensible due to the certain amount of knowledge I have. I don't have anyone to support or to help me maintain any form of conscience realisation of where I stand in the agency and it's hard for all the rest of the admin staff to understand.

In the last 3 months, I have been pushing and trying my best to keep myself sane as well as trying to boost my own morale to do my best at my job, but it hasn't been easy. Twice I had emotional break down and the last one was pretty major and worst of all I started crying in the office. I agreed that I should have maintained my cool in the office and not let anyone see me at a very fragile moment in my life, But it's really hard to hold it all in, especially I know that one of my bosses is intent on getting rid of me and my other is trying his best to remain as a manager as he is. As his Unit Secretary, I do not want to add pressure to him and I do not want to question where I stand now and what are my chances of remaining. However hopes have been dashed and the will to remain strong has been taken apart in an instant. One of my boss has intended to replace me with Perlin and even though I sort of expected it, I still was unable to take the blow. I do not blame Perlin, and I have never pushed the blame to anyone. However, Do I have to carry this with the realisation that maybe I am not good enough? Have I not done enough and haven't I put in my best?

I love my job, and even though I am underpaid, compared to many of my other friends in the same kind of postion, I still stayed on. My loyalty to my bosses, my friends, my collegues has always been there. My responsibility to my bosses, my collegues and to anyone who comes in has always been there. There are times whereby I question myself why I do so much at times and yet not demand, But I know deep in my heart, I know what kind of a person I am. I am steadfast and loyal as that is what I am. My passion towards something I enjoy doing is a constant reminder.

Unfortunately, realisation sets in, and It's really time to move on. It's really hard to pretend anymore that I am happy and pretend that everything is going to be alright. Because I know things are not going to be alright, once Cheryl leave and when I finally managed to pass down the skills that I have learnt during this course of 2 years, I will be removed from the organisation. Plans have already been made as I have been deemed unimportant, and useless. However, I learnt not to push the blame to anyone else or to blame other people for my faults, unlike my one of my boss, But I have learnt to be understanding and generous and not to judge one person by a single event.

Thank you to my original boss who has been always been there constantly reminding me and nurturing me, despite my faults, and to Wendy, June, Perlin and Cheryl for making sure I remain determined and strong, and to continue to work towards something better.

"Revival of the Spirit, not to mention my Vitality"

2006-08-05T11:34:00.000+08:00

Helloooooooo it's been a while since the last entry. (Readers: (Confused) "Who was that weird person who made an entry the other day?" Little Jade Queen: "Oh! That's Perlin, aka the evil prawn. She wast testing my comments function, but unfortunately, it's not working. She isn't hijacking the blog." *Reader ponders, look at Little Jade Queen and ponders again. Little Jade Queen look at Readers curiously and then eyes open in realisation.* Little Jade Queen: "OH NO YOU DON'T. THERE IS NO WAY I WILL LET THE PRAWN BLOG ON MY BLOG!" Readers: (Frowning) "Why not? I mean it could be fun?" *Little Jade Queens start to pick up any object lying around and throws*)

Okay Okay, enough of my violent streak. I mean I'm suppose to stop that and be more lady-like, If there is any reason to, in my books. I think I have hit a rough patch, not that anyone noticed. Trying to juggle family, work, bf and friends hasn't been easy. I know all of you out there has this problem and I have no idea how some of you can manage to balance it out. Anyway, the office has become more noisier, (thanks to Perlin) and I've started to go back to my exercise routine. (Readers: WHAT?! The Little Jade Queen knows how to exercise? But you are Still soo.. soo..." *Gives Little Jade Queen a Look up and down* Little Jade Queen: (Throws a mug) Stuff it!~ I know I'm still a big girl.") Anyway, back to the point, According to Terry Pratchett in Carpe Jugulum, Inside every fat girl, is a thin girl and alot of chocolate. I'm not just trying to get rid of the chocolate, or at least some of it. So I've started to go jogging with Cheryl on Tuesdays and Thursday and go for a walk.. and I mean a LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG LONG WALK with Perlin.. Can you believe it? Perlin and I walked 4.7KM from our office all the way to her house at Dover?! SHEESH I didn't even notice the pain untill I got off the bus when I reached home. My Poor weak ankles wanted to give way! GOSH I don't know how long I can keep up with it.. but I'm telling you, Once you see the weight going up, you gotta do any and EVERYTHING to keep it down.

August is always a busy month for me at work. Let me see, I have both my bosses's Birthday to deal with, the Diary orders for clients, Preparation of every shit that can possibly happen And other than that, it's been rather peachy. Although there are always exceptions, like Perlin's boss.. That idiot.. then there is like a conspiracy going on in the office and I kind of fear losing my rice bowl at this point. Me.. the person who is dispensable and yet indispensable. WHat the Hell is going on here!?

Then there is my Toopid idiot who is in and yet not in this relationship. Honestly.. It's been a busy week and I didn't even have time to spend with all my friends.. I hope that they will understand...

(*Little Jade Queen Screams: OMG!!! I'M RANTING RUBBISH NOW~!!!!")

Testing Testing.

2006-07-25T09:54:00.000+08:00

Hi, Perlin here.

Hijack Commencing.....

Just testing the comment feature so her defunct Tagboard can remain defunct.

The Long Awaited Entry

2006-07-23T21:03:00.000+08:00

Oh... Guess what.. It's a while since I blogged... so I guess it's high time I did an entry. (Readers:(Whiney) Oh My GAWWDDD.... You are back... We thought we have gotten rid of you." Little Jade Queen: (Frowns)What do you mean you have gotten rid of me.. This is MY blog you know and you are all reading it.. so what do you mean you have gotten rid of me?" Reader: (Raising their hands in surrender) SO Sorry your high and mightiness.. Please do not plummet us with whatever you can get your hands on." *Little Jade Queen throws a Chair!* Little Jade Queen : I'm back and you better remember it!" *Readers takes cover as the Little Jade Queen starts throwing cups")

Ahem... Where was I? Oh yes, I was saying it's been a while since I blogged and so much has happened over the past... let me see *Uses her fingers to count" six months.. OH Wow.. that's a long break.. Anyway.. I finally clear one thing on my list to do.. which is get myself out of some bad karma and also my dearest idiot of a boyfried, fiance, or whatever he calls himself now is back in Singapore and doing his business with his friend, Mr Rey-rey. It's been a hard and trying month for him and well him being in Thailand for the past two weeks isn't really helping. Work life has gotten more interesting recently as we have a new addition to our administrative department... IT'S PERLIN CHOW.. Aka poorgamergirl, the evil prawn, the epic gamer and the prawniator!" (Dum dum DAH!!!) *Snicker* Perlin always does that sound effect when we say something with impact for a more dramatic effect (Prawnie: I Hate you, You Malicious Biatch! Stealing my sound effects!" Little Jade Queen: (Waving a finger) ah..ah... You're on my blog now.. not yours.. you can blast me all you want on yours..") Perlin is a gOdsent to the agency.. even though some people do not think so.. She has proven to me that I am not the only oddball around. (*Little Jade Queen does a Salute* Little Jade Queen: God Bless all the oddballs!) I've never really clicked with anyone that fast as I did with Perlin and it has reach a stage where are becoming a little inseperable. Too late to try to take us apart, cos we are pretty much stuck with each other in the office, getting high on coffee, redbull and candy.. seeing all the funniest sites and saying the most inappropriate things at the most weridest times.. KUddos to the Two big women!

Anyway back to my lamenting of my idiot.. Him.. the all high greatness being in Thailand by himself and being alone and apart again.. the both of us really as something to work towards and well after missing him for two weeks.. and not talking to him for almost a week, the first thing the idiot says to me was to talk abt someone's wife, saying how fiacking beautiful, with class and sophistication. Now the question is how am I suppose to swallow all that, when my hormones are just starting to adjust themselves to normal mode? Of cos, I blasted him and he says i'm fiacked cos of my tide.. Well how am I suppose to react.. he doesn't show me with the actions, how wonderful he thinks I am, how lucky he feels to be with me and how pretty he thinks I am. I mean, he doesn't make me feel as if I am pretty enough for him.. okay okay, I know that if I think I am pretty I know I am, but HEll.. A man in your life is suppose to make you feel beautiful (Not by the things he buy you or by the words he tell you) But it's that feeling where you know to him you are beautiful, no matter how you behave, no matter how you look. Sheesh... Sometimes he can be so thickheaded that I don't even understand what he is thinking.

Relationship can be really hard if you don't have much of an understanding.. it's the same in any kind of relationship, be it friendship, be it family, work or love. It's not easy to get that kind of understanding.. I mean over the past few years I have fell out with alot of friends, be come distant with some and well drifted along... I guess it just life that everyone has to move on.. and even though so.. we hold dear this nostelgic feeling of the past, the memories we shared, the feeling, the emotions, the good times and the bad times. It's just part of life that we have to go through and learn to accept.. Ever since my idiot has returned home to me, taking that big risk in his life. I have done all I have in my capabilities to give him all my time and my support.. and yes I know it's rather bad of me to neglect my friends for him, but I hope they could understand why I am doing so.. it's like making up for three years of being apart and also, trying to get us to the next level of our relationship which is probably going to be a harder plateau to climb. So it's gonna be a hard stuggle for us to get to the next level in our relationships which is gonna require our time, our commitment and heavier responsibilities.. I'm kindda talking about our lives together, our future, our kids and what we want to do in the next 5 years...I really pray really hard that we are able to make it.. as it has not really been smooth sailing for us and it's always been a hard stuggle for the both of us.. but we can't stop trying...

Oh yeah, before I forget, I've started another story blog and I'm gonna continue all the rest of my story blogs.. even though I know I don't have readers.. at least I know I have an outlet for the rubbish in my brain...and the many many dark ulteregos that I have over the past few years.. so... fingers crossed.. I hope I can make it..

Boundless....

2006-01-17T06:43:00.000+08:00

Many Seasons have past,
And yet I am back here,
Journeying through the world,
Seeking to forget you.

As I step into the grounds where you have stood,
The place where you call home,
I look up to the sky and see the clouds floating.
A distant memory lingers dearly in my mind.
I sense your presence near,
Yet I deny you.
Pushing away any emotions attached,
Cloaking my existance on the same grounds.

We walk past each other along the corridor,
Not seeing each other.
A tingle ran down my spine,
As a feeling of nostalgia overwhelmed me.
Is it possible for me to feel this way again?
I look around, seeing with unseen eyes,
Searching for you, and yet not wanting to find you.
Standing from afar, I suddenly sense your presence,
Nearing me, coming closer with every step.
As you were coming closer, I turn and walk away.
Pushing away the rush of emotions.

You called my name out in the corridor,
Knowing that I am near.
I hide in the shadows, not wanting you to find me.
There could have been a chance passing,
Yet I deny you the chance,
As you are unable to track me down.
Torture as it is,
Hearing your heart calling out to mine,
The need to feel me near you.

I see you as you walk in the courtyard,
Going forth with your daily tasks.
As you look up in my direction,
I turn and walk away,
Not allowingyou to see my face, to read my eyes.
Uncried tears stained my shattered heart,
But none shall fall.

I see you walking along the corridor,
As your vacant expression looks ahead,
Undaunted by the past, not even searching for the present.
A familiar brush was felt when I walked past unnoticed,
while deep in your thoughts, the lingering moment.
You turn around and glance,
Only to see a figure walking away in the evening light.
As I sit by my window, watching the raindrops falling from the sky,
A feeling of longing course through my veins.
The calling of my heart calls out,
Yearning to be in your embrace.
The pain of loneliness engulfs me,
As I tried to steady the beating of my heart,
Finding solace in the night sky.

"Why does it have to end this way?"
I hear your voice call out in the sea of memories,
"I am powerless without you."
The voice continued,
While the scenes of the falling leaves of autumn flashed in the twilight.
You stood before me that night,
As I sat by the river side,
Watching the dragonflies make ripples as they kissed the surface.
I turn to look at you,
Saying, as the tears I fight to keep within,

" I have felt the boundless depths of your emotions,
I have sensed the memory less pain that you hide in your soul.
Your painless emotions that you treasure dearly,
Your bondless spirit that you released through your being.
The Immaculate sacrifice you made to keep your condemned and tortured soul.
Never before have I experienced such pleasure and doubts at the same time,
Never before have I tasted the fear of losing my sanity,
Never before have I desired something so forbidden.
How is it possible for this union,
The union of dark and light,
The bond between the cherished and the forgotten?"

As you listen to the words,
Silent tears start to fall from your never changing eyes of blue,
Filled with all the melancholy of the solitude that you lead.
You start to reach out for me,
But I pulled away,
Unable to bear the weight of my heavy heart,
As I continue to fight the weakness in my emotions.
I turn my back to you,
Not wanting to see the sadness and despair in your face.
I felt your arms embracing me,
Your warmth radiating through me on that cold autumn night,
As the falling leaves started to signal the passing of the season.

Your breath gentle upon my cheek,
As you tried to take away the coldness that lingers in my heart.
"For my despair, you have given me hope,
For my sorrow, you have given me joy,
For my fears, Succor,
For my loneliness, comfort.
How can I let you go?
How can I go on?
To me, you have shown me boundless joy,
The radiance of your soul, sings to mine,
As your hand reach out to save my tormented soul."

Lips, gentle lips touched my cheek,
Warming the cold in my being,
Feeding the flame in my heart that was near dying.
Hands, tender hands that can both evoke pleasure and pain,
moved over my body.
I closed my eyes at the sudden intrusion to my dark desires,
the spark that triggers off my fears.
my heartbeat fast, my breath quickens.
I shudder at the intensity for the unseen pleasure that you have evoked.
"Just one moment, Just one last time."
My heart told me, whispering like the passing breeze.
There I stood, fighting down my fears, my weakness, and the urge to give in.
Your hand reach out and caressed my cheek,
Warming it, soothing my pain, easing my fear.

"Why do you fight it?
Why do you resist the temptation?
We could be and will be together,
Never to part, not even for a single moment.
Is it worth fighting the emotions you feel for me,
The boundless and depthless emotions,
The endless desire and need that we crave for,
In each passing day and night?"
These words you breathe over me,
Engulfing my heart in anguish.
Your lips touch mine,
Taking away the taste of fear that has entered my being,
Easing the pain that has shot through my spirit,
Calming the storm that has tormented my heart.
Trying to grasp out for a single image of hope,
A single entity as love,
The illusion created by our fears, by our anguished cried,
Created by the silent tears and the darkness of loneliness.

"I'll take away your pain,
I'll dry your tears,
I'll calm your anguish,
I'll comfort your pain.
I'll live for your sake,
I'll die for you,
I'll die protecting you."
The words resounded in my ears,
As I hung to you for comfort,
for security that only you can give,
For the boundless love that binds the both of us together.

Never shall we part,
For whe are chained together in the journey,
This pathway to selfless sacrifice,
This walkway to who knows where.
May it be heaven,
May it be hell,
As long as we have each other,
The world is endless,
Just as our feelings for each other.
The endless,
The memory less,
The boundless,
The sleepless nights.
For I am your beloved,
And you are my sacrifice.

For that moment, I have surrendered,
For that moment, I have pushed away my inhabitations,
I allowed you to enter my world,
Allowed you to enter my dark solitude I called my heart.
Allowing you to see me for who I truly am,
The scared and lonely,
The frail and weak child,
Clinging on to what little of myself I have left.
Instead of pushing me away,
You embrace me in your warmth,
Engulf me with your love and showed me that there is a reason worth living for.
but it was just for a fleeting moment as our bodies, lips and souls connected.

When the new dawn arises,
I shall be gone.
Far away and distant.
We cross paths again the very next morning,
The memory and the passion we shared last ngiht,
Was seemingly an illusion,
A figment of your imgination.
Silently I walked pass you,
Ignoring the smile upon your face.
Confused by my actions,
You ran up to me,
Only to be rejected by my cold glare.
To you, it seems as if I have become a different person,
An enigma.

You tug my sleeve,
Revealing the mark of the previous night.
Gently I pulled back,
I shut my eyes away from yours,
As I continued walking away.
That night, you came to me,
Silently as you crept into my room,
You peered in as you see me struggling to gain control of my heart,
Silent tears fell, as in my loneliness I hide.
Gently you embrace me, trying to soothe my confused emotions.
You gently kissed my forehead,
Telling me not to fight the tidal wave of emotions that fight to break loose from me.
Offering solace and comfort,
Offering hope and redemption.

"Never leave me,
As I will never leave you.
I'll walk with you...
I'll stand with you.."

MICHIYUKI (JOURNEY) BY HIKIDA KAORI - LOVELESS END THEME

2006-01-15T23:10:00.000+08:00

"Don't Leave me... Stay here with me..."

"setsunasa no kagiri made dakishimete mo
itsumade mo hitotsu ni wa narenakute
yasashisa yori fukai basho de
fureau no wa itami dake
futari wo musunde kudasai
bokura wa mou yume wo minai
tomadoi nagara te wo totte
zankoku na yoake no hou he
arukidasu

hontou no kotoba wa kitto
hontou no sekai no dokoka
bokura no mukuchi na yoru ni
hisonderu
ima mo kitto

sabishisa wo shiru tame ni deau no da to
kuchidzuke wo kawasu made shiranakute
soredemo ima kimi to aeta
yorokobi ni furuete iru
kokoro wo sasaete kudasai
bokura wa mou yume wo minai
atatakai basho he nigenai
zankoku na yoake wo kitto
koete yuku
akirameteta sono shizukesa
hontou no kotoba wo kitto
aishi kizutsuke au tame ni
sagashidasu
itsuka kitto

setsunasa no kagiri made dakishimete mo
itsumade mo hitotsu ni wa narenakute
yoake mae no tsumetai hoshi
futari dake no michiyuki wo
douka terashite kudasai"

English Translation

"Even if you embrace me until it's suffocating
We will never become one.
In a place deeper than gentleness
Touching each other is merely pain.
Please bind the two of us.
We will dream no more,
Joining hands in uncertainty
Walking towards
The cruel dawn.

True words are surely
Somewhere in the true world,
Lurking
In our wordless night.
Surely even now

Meeting each other in order to know loneliness,
We won't know until we exchange a kiss.
Even so, I am trembling with the joy
Of having met you.
Please support my heart.
We will dream no more,
We can't run to a warm place.
We will surely overcome
The cruel dawn.
The abandoned quietness
Will surely find
The true words
In order to lovingly hurt each other.
Someday surely

Even if you embrace me until it's suffocating
We will never become one.
O cold starts before dawn,
Please light
The path that's just for us."

"I have came to you, but I never thought I would fall in love with you."

"Is a Loveless Love Forbidden Or Is it Forbidden to love a Loveless person?"

2006-01-15T22:10:00.000+08:00

I've been on an anime marathon recently as well as a youtube video addict of late.
Recently I've watch tenjo tenge and all my other anime, but one anime I have suddenly become an addict to. I've only seen episode one to five and yet it struck a deep cord in me. Is it because I crave for something similar or do I crave for a love like that?

I mean I agree that Loveless is a bit Yaoi... (Readers: "Yaoi? What the hell is that?" Little Jade Queen: "For those who don't know Hentai terms, Yaoi is guy on guy, while Yaori is girl on girl, and Benshou is Hot guys or whatever." Readers: "WHAT? I KNEW IT!! I KNEW IT!! You are a bit sick!" *Little Jade Queen shakes her head.* Little Jade Queen: "I'm not sick.. I'm in a perfectally 100% Hetrosexual relationship. It's just that the weridest things always manage to interest me and yet strike a cord in me.") Anyway, the story is about this elementary school boy called Ritsuka. Well he's cute with black cat ears (Kindda like the anime Black Cat) but these people, when they grow up, loses their ears. His life was turned upside down when his brother Seimei was killed. Here's the interesting part. His brother's name has a meaning, just like Ritsuka. The meaning of Seimei's name is Beloved : He who loves, while Ritsuka's name means Loveless : He who has not love. It's a rather complex story plot as his brother, Seimei, left behind his "Fighter" to protect Ritsuka. This is the really werid thing, the fighter is this university student called Soubi. And Soubi has this really cool, silent and yet unrelentlessly self sacrificing attitude towards Ritsuka, but he was ordered by Seimei, before Seimei was killed. But as the story goes on, there is this development between Ritsuka and Soubi. It's weird, other than the fact that Soubi is willing to do anything for Ritsuka, die for him, kill for him and be there for him anytime he calls, or the fact when they do a spell battle that Soubi keeps kissing Ritsuka... (Readers: "THAT's VERY GAY not to mention PEDEOPHILE!" Little Jade Queen : "I Know, but there is something much deeper there. It's not that clear, but there is something much deeper there that I felt. and I wasn't swooning only cos of Soubi being so hot.. so much hotter than Sesshomaru." *Readers Open eyes wide in shock* Readers: " This Soubi Guy is HOTTER THAN YOUR DROOL KING, SESSHOMARU?!" *Little Jade Queen blushed and nods*)

What struck me is Ritsuka's need for love where he got none from his mother, and the death of his brother left him shattered and lonely, his pain where Soubi suddenly appears to care, protect, fight and love him. His denial to trust anyone and yet time and time again, Soubi is willing to lay everything down and sacrifice. There is this deep feeling, and it's not just the point of this being gay. It's like the fear of losing something dear and yet grasping to hold on to something that you are able to cherish and yet be cherished at the same time. I was like taken aback by a scene where Soubi asked Ritsuka to pierce his ears for him, as a sign that they have connected, that the pain will show the bond between both of them and the eternal scar that he will carry to remember his emotions for Ritsuka. The eternal scar to carry... does he means spiritually as well as bodily? We all, in one way or another, carry eternal scars through the journey called our lives. We all try to reach our hands for something, to grasp to someone who can offer us comfort, selfless love, and yet we carry the fear to love the person or to trust the person as well. The Longing for something that is seemingly like a fairytale to us, the unrealistic ideal of a fantasy world that we try to recreate. Therefore, I ask, is a loveless love forbidden or is it forbidden to love a loveless person? Can it be possible that the purity of love or what love embodies; Sacrifice, Selflessness, unceasing, unrelentless, and to live and to die for a person, is found in a love that is totally forbidden and can only be understood by those who sense the emotions?

"I am bounded to you by these chains for all eternity... I love you."

Forbidden

I have walked through these paths alone,
I have never once saw the light of the day,
I have never felt the serenity that the night brings,
And yet, you have appeared,
Offering a hand,
showing me a chance to feel love and be loved.

As you offered me your hand,
I look at it with disbelief,
Not daring to even trust.
But the longing in my heart cries out,
And you have come to answer its cries,
How can it be, for I am being punished for sins,
Sins that cannot be washed away,

But there you are,
With the promise of comfort, peace and love,
You said to me that you live for my sake,
And you will sacrifice your life just to see me safe,
What comfort do I get,
For you trying to redeem my tortured soul?
Have you not seen the fear in my eyes?
Have you not taste the insecurities when our lips touch?

Yet you are always there,
Never leaving my side,
Always giving, never asking.
Your only wish is to love me and be loved by me.
Will I accept or will I cower in the shadow of doubt
In this hope you have offered my condemmed soul.
The comfort you have offered me,
The shelter you have given me,
Even though you know I am undeserving of love,
And yet willingly you give.
I am not the Beloved,
And yet you loved the Loveless.

With the words you bring,
Come the bonds of eternity,
the Chains that binds us together,
as you live as I live,
You die as I die.
You promised that you'll do anything and everything I want,
You always be there for me,
Always for eternity.

"Lips untouched and so pure, I have tasted... I love you..."

Another Year Has Past

2005-11-11T21:51:00.000+08:00

Well Well, It's the new year and Yup.. it's time for a brand new start for the brand new year. Guess what, I've finally cleared the clutter on my table, got rid of the totally uselsess 29" spoilt TV in my room and gotten more space to myself. It's beginning to look like a new fresh start. Take a look at my final product (After a whole load of clutter to clear)

"My workspace"

"More Space"

Now all that is left is my wall. YUP, My wall of my beloved things, The Angel Sanctuary picture done by Aaron, My Warrior Princess Picture, My Shaman King Print Out, My Sesshomaru (*drools*), My Tatty Bear Poster, My Cruisader pic and my Alias JADE. Time to revamp my wall... But I'm getting Rid of Sesshomaru.. "Drools more" He's still as hot to me as Takeshi Kaneshiro.

"Posters Galore"

James is coming back on the 9th and I'm glad and yet I am stressed. We have a long way to go before then and I did promise myself to loose the bulge and bubble butt, thunder thighs and bye bye arms. It's time for change, I guess and when better to start than now. The fresh new year and well, James did say give us 3-4 more years and I better make sure I Look good at 27 or 28 years old.. So... take a good look at me... Jade in 2006... for the next time I see myself, I'll probably not be the same.

"PIGGY!"

"See me!"

"For my life I spend waiting by the banks,
Waiting for you to come and take me away.
I won't stop trying, I won't stop giving.
For my life I live, just to love you one more day,
Till the day that I die.
For I'm all about loving you"

"All About Loving You"

Looking at the pages of my life
Faded memories of me and you
Mistakes you know I've made a few
I took some shots and fell from time to time
Baby, you were there to pull me through
We've been around the block a time or two
I'm gonna lay it on the line
Ask me how we've come this far
The answer's written in my eyes

[Chorus:]
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

I've lived, I've loved, I've lost, I've paid some dues, baby
We've been to hell and back again
Through it all you're always my best friend
For all the words I didn't say and all the things I didn't do
Tonight I'm gonna find a way

[Chorus:]
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

You can take this world away
You're everything I am
Just read the lines upon my face
I'm all about lovin' you

[Guitar Solo]

[Chorus:]
Every time I look at you, baby, I see something new
That takes me higher than before and makes me want you more
I don't wanna sleep tonight, dreamin's just a waste of time
When I look at what my life's been comin' to
I'm all about lovin' you

All about lovin' you

"All about Loving you - Bon Jovi.

"Stacy "Jade" Chan - Goodbye 2005, Hello to my new beginning - 2 Jan 2006"

It's time to get Sexy....

2005-11-03T10:15:00.000+08:00

Time check, it is now 1011hr on a Hari Raya Puasa Holiday and I just woke up.. I'm getting groggy again and well, woke up listening to music. Was surfing for pictures the other day and saw something... THIS I GOTTA PUT UP

Count them down! How many have you tried?

That's really funny. I didn't know there are twenty ways to play with a "Pussy Cat" If you catch my drift. Honestly.. I've always thought for guys; it's every hole's a goal.. I didn't expect stuff like that.

I guess it's pretty clear that I am lonely and besides, even though the Roadster is still going after me, it's a kind of different feeling.. maybe because he's not here and I have turned away into a fantasy world where I can find some solice towards life and towards men. (Not that it gives me such comfort anymore.) For once I wish i don't have to pretend being the way I am, the cute bubbly, nice buddy gal friend that every guy is cool with.. I mean.. I wish I could for once be the Biatch that I am.. the gloomy soul.. the inner child released.

"When will be the day that I do not have to hide my face from the world?
Where I do not have run away from the shadows that creep in the night?
When will I find solice in being my own"

Rendevouz

2005-11-02T21:12:00.000+08:00

"Tied to you for all Eternity,
Even when I only appear in your darkest moments"

It was the same Dream I had, Over and Over,
For nights on end, the scene was the same.

I ran blindly through the forest, through the cold silent winter's night.
The wind howling by my ears as I ran.
But what was I running away from?
What was chasing me from where I have come?

I turn to look around and suddenly I fell,
I continue to fall into an abyss that suddenly surrounds me.
As darkness slowly engulfs me, I felt someone's touch on me.
It starts as a gentle caress, moving over my body.
Slow and tender, sensual and yet somewhat comforting.

I close my eyes to the sudden assult to my senses.
Then a whisper could be heard, right next to my ear.
Breathless words pass through those lips as I strain closer to decipher them.

Gentle whispers as I felt arms go around me.
Someone breathes next to me, calling.. whispering...
"Me Corezon"... "Mi Amore"... "My Love"...
Words that mean the same thing, and yet so different when said.

He calls to me, calling out my name in a deadly whisper as he catches when I start to fall.
He cradle me in his embrace and wraps his wings around me as if I am a porceline doll, made of the finest china.
Brittle, fragile and yet treasured and protected. As the invisible bonds ties the both of us in a loving embrace.

Bond that can never be torn away, Bonds that can never be taken apart.
For it is eternity that we are to be together.. to be one and yet two different >
beings walking on the face of this ungodly world.

For you are my fallen warrior.. My fallen Saviour..
As I continue to have this Hidden Rendevouz with you...
My Forbidden Love...
My Untainted Dreams...
My Fallen One...
My Sacrifice....
My Unseen Rendevouz....

All I need is a little Privacy

2005-11-02T06:29:00.000+08:00

Time Check! It's 0627hrs on a Wednesday morning the 2nd of November 2005. It's the eve of the Hari Raya Pusa Holiday and yesterday was the Depavalli holiday. Now I'm getting ready to go to go to work.

Time to work on my other blog skins, especially for my devil's addiction blog. It's been a while since I updated most of my blogs, mainly because I've been brain dead. I need a muse man... Something to stimulate my creative juices working, to make sure the chemistry flow..to keep my fantasy alive. It's impossible in my house as there is no privacy. I mean to me, Privacy is totally important, especially when it's time for bed. I mean, I know I have a computer in my room, which I use to all my stuff, like my stories and my blogging and my chatting, but when it comes to the time for me to my head down for a rest, I mean I hate it when my dad lingers around my comp and I need to sleep. Just like last night! I mean I gave him the whole day to use the comp and yet he still want to linger around past 1 am. I am a sensitive light sleeper and When I am about to sleep, I need total privacy and silence, with no radiation whatsoever. (Readers: You sure or not? I tot you sleep like the dead or it is just an excuse to play with your toy? *Little Jade Queen gasps and blushes* Little Jade Queen: Excuse me... I think it's my private life and It's my business if it is. Readers: Awww come on.. I know you have a private video and Hentai Collection.. no need to be shy! *Little Jade Queen blushes More!)

All I ask was a little privacy... I mean that's all I need to day dream, find my muse, my inspiration to continue writing. I mean The 5th gear book has been in shelved for a while and well I haven't went past even the first 2 pages in Within.. SO I don't really know how can I get it going again. Maybe I need to meet more people who can stimulate me intellectually. OR maybe I should stop trying to be a writer or maybe stop trying anything that interest me... However that isn't so true about who I am... I am Jade... I live life with the facination of a 5 year old, where Wonders never cease, PAssion never dies and wisdom is on going... How can I just call it quits just like that, not after being the way I am for the past years of my existance... My poor mundane existance which just needs something to spark off and ignite the passions, my dark secrets and my unsatisfied passion for love, life and the forbidden attraction to a certain breed of men... who will reveal me.. the real me, who doesn't need to hide behind my smiles, my bubbly character... One who can see me for the way I am... Simply me... Just Jade... Simply JAde... A Tainted recluse, hiding away from the world, only to seek solice in my own little world....

THE ALL NEW AND IMPROVED

2005-11-01T23:03:00.000+08:00

Well Well, it's been a while and yes, i am finally back blogging. I've never thought that I would have a revived passion for my blog and I was kindda bored with the way it looked.. so guess what. I decided to change the way it looks and well, I'm glad to say, that it's better than before. Now I got a better blog skin and a shout box to kindda see the peeps who has been tagging my blog or more like has stepped foot on my blog (Not that it really matters to me who reads it).

As I said before, the blog is for me to release all my mental clutter of my daily soul-searching and my mental fatigue that has toiled me down in the journey called my life. The fustrating thing now to is to get my radio blog to work. I am playing something of the maker of the blog skin, next I'll play my own once I figured out how to the htmls and web hosting works.

I'm now in a situation whereby I am confused about my status quo (*Readers: Weren't you attached to the Roadster and aren't you both very much in love, from what we remembered? Little Jade Queen: "Yea, we were, but well, shit happened again and he kindda said four words that really take the cake and enough's enough." Readers: That bad eh?" *Little Jade Queen nods*) Yeah, He did it again, and it was the fourth time that he has done that over the past three years plus of our relationship. It was time to call it quits.. Yeah YEah I know all of you peeps are gonna say that we are eventually gonna get back together again, but when is the question. Honestly I can hear all of you placing your bets already on how long is this gonna last and quite frankly, I ain't too sure about it either. *LOL* I'm just hanging on for the ride and hopefully I won't get myself too smashed up or too suckered into it again. Besides, he gotta learn that I am not his PUNCHING bag or something to be chucked aside. I am a woman and Damnit his woman.. if he can stop treating me like something that he can only come to when he wants three things, SEX, COmfort and Affection.

Anyway these days been busy with my ebay thingy, my siblings, my work and my game... I've been playing RBO and watching anime more often than usual. I haven't been writing cos I have been brain dead for the past few months and well Sesshomaru and whoever aren't helping being my muses... Maybe it's the lack of sex... Correction.. it's the LAck of great sex and chemistry.. I mean even Mr. U Know who ain't amusing anymore and the kind of guys I have been meeting ain't exactally been Mr. Stimulation in both the mental and chemistry aspect. *Sigh* I wish Roadster would get back here.. at least I know what I am looking forward to the direction I am going.. or Maybe Steph, Damien or whoever was my exs would catch up with me for stuff.. I mean Wolf's married now.. and I don't have anyone to really manja to... Jana is super busy.. and i really need to catch up with her.. that Woman.. always like that one.. But even so, I'm kindda glad that she misses me at times enough to msg me.. and ask how i am.. Then there is christmas on the way and I am up to my Usual card making and planning for gathering.. *IF I CAN MANAGE TO PULL IT OFF* haven't been that good at it lately.

All I know one thing, I Finally have time to really love and take care of myself and think for myself for once. I don't have to worry for anyone or take care of anyone now... MUAHAHAHAHA THink I am evil? Nope.. think again.. it's time for this Bitch to start partying and working hard towards something that I have put off for a damn long time... Myself, My body, my heart, and My mental well being, and my Spirituality....

"I have found my way back.. back to the path that leads me down to my hidden haven... My hidden Haven inside your embrace.. Safely in your arms.. For you are my Forbidden Desires, My untainted Dreams, My Sinful Temptations.. For I am the Demon's Bride.. The Siren Of The Dark Lord... My Fallen Angel.."

I have no regrets about my cursed life, I shall bear the Cross of my suffering without complaints

2005-03-26T17:12:00.001+08:00

It is time, my life is cursed and I am willingly carry my own cross of suffering, without any complaints or support. I realised that my parents have showned me the greatest example of love, slefless love, that no one can ever perform, unless they are parents themselves. I stepped up to my challenge, I step up to my faith.. My karma has caught up with me and it's time to pay what is due. Bad debt, Bad Debt of my pervious teenagehood..No one understands that other than my parents, for they know what it is and how it has affected me. To be finally shown that they were right, right from the start. I was alone when the tables turned on me.. and now, I am still alone.. all the promised made, all the vows done, all that I have put in, has shown his true colours, his true feelings, and where i really stand and mean to him. Such utter disappointment, such utter hurt, such utter betrayal of my fragile emotions. I bear no hate towards anyone, I can never hate anyone.. for what reason should i hate, for what reasons should i get angry for.. cos all of it will come to nothing.. and i will never recover if i do so.

I have given you love.. I have given you selfless and unconditional love.. I have accepted you, with all the goodness in you, with all the fustrations in you, with all the flaws and rough edges that you have. I have never expected alot, and I can never expect more.. but the simpliest trust and faith you have already proven that you can never give me what i want.. You can never give me the happiness i strive for... and yet, you blame it all on me.. for all your shortcomings, you blame it all on me.. using my own shortcomings to fuel it.. You will never understand my love for you, you will never see it, as you have never used your heart. You seek for the truth... but what is the truth? Is it really important that It really rules all that you do? What is your beliefs, what is your truth? Does it bring you happiness, does it satify your ego now? Your cursed ego, that cursed thing that has cursed mine as well, for I have to submit to it.. Are you happy now, that you have to walk this road on your own? Are you happy now, that you have shattered, betrayed the heart that unconditonally nurtured, cared, willing to walk and carry all your burden and love you. Have you no conscience? Do you not see? Are you more blinded with seeking the truth than to see that you have really hurt someone.... someone whom really wants to be with you... THe Decision is yours and so be it.... I can readily sacrifice myself for you... and YOu... the one that lay the conditions, You,... the one with all the worldly desires.. .You with your obessions with the truth, that when even when it stares at you in the face, will not be able to recognise it.. cos You only care abt You, yourself who has been hurt, you are the One who has to face this alone.. cos you are the one who is suffering.. Blinded by that, you never realised the people who has to suffer because of you and yet quietly carrying it, never complaining.. just like When Christ carried the burden of our sins, and impurities without even a sigh... I cry not for myself now.. but i cry for you... You who do not realised the meaning of true love, the meaning of acceptance, the meaning of being a pillar of strength, the meaning of selflessness.. you who will never understand.. as you believe that you are fighting for the greater good, when you don't even really know what you are fighting for.. I feel sorry for you, as i know I failed in teaching you the real meaning of acceptance, selflessness and the true meaning of when you love someone, and be patient with them.. they will truly see what you are trying to show them.......

Is it Time?

2005-03-17T06:31:00.000+08:00

"The Little Jade Queen looks beyond the horizon and sees a misty sunrise.
Inwardly she smiles as her calm expression never fickers. But deep inside her,
there is this edging, this urge, this desire and this premonition that
something, something big is going to happen, something important that will
change her, but in order to change her, it must break her will, break her
spirit, break the walls of contempt, walls of hurt, walls of betrayal and her
walls of solitude." I was reading this book i bought from Popular. It's
"Thoughts on Virture." Under The Forbes Leadership Library series. It's a
collection of thoughts and reflection from History's Great thinkers or simply a
book of inspiring quotations (Which I so love) I've been going through alot of
thought processing, and I have been thinking of me, myself as a person.
(Readers: "Oh there she goes with the narcissitic Ego." Little Jade Queen: " Not
in that way.. It's more like trying to look at myself through someone else's
eyes and looking at myself as a person.. meaning i put myself in ur shoes and
see how my behavior and character looks like to other pple lah." Readers:
"OOOHHHH.... That way nor... okie okie.. continue..." *Little Jade Queen shakes
head*) I mean, there is a lot of things I have been contemplating.. My
relationship with my family... my relationship with my friends.. my relationship
with Roadster.. my relationship with myself..

Family bonds are closer now.. I'm losing loads of friends.. cos maybe it's my
punishment on how I have been treating them.. My relationship with Roadster..
THat one I seriously lost. It's like we are together and yet we are not
together... We might wanna do this, and yet we are not doing this? U know what i
mean? This hide and seek, this cat and mouse came, this cop and robber, this
"olly olly oxen free, come and get me" game. Both of us know what we want.. but
do we wanna get it? Nooo... we wait for the other bugger to do it.. Sheesh this
will never end... Then there is the relationship with myself.... I have this
love hate thing with me.. this arrogant pride, and yet wallowing in doubt and
confusion with my person. I'm an emotional roller coaster, with tidal waves of
feelings, thoughts, expressions and yet brimming with love for myself.. and yet
do I really honestly love myself...

Reading Quotes makes me think.... Think Whether I could find something to
guide me through this... My life.. I have no sense of direction and yet still
aimlessly walking around, searching..... One of those nights, I was walking
aimlessly around orchard road by myself.. not knowing where to go, what to do..
or who to call... I sensed a deep sense of Loneliness, and I begin to doubt my
ability as a person, and as a friend...

That night, I ended up at KinoKyunia and I got the Archangels Oracle cards..
Seems good... When I started the reading, I felt a tingling sensation and I
kindda felt comforted by the results.. I did this reading on whether I would go
overseas.. the cards that came out was "Victory", "Passion" And "Gentleness".
The first card is the reason behind the current situation, The second one is the
truth behind the current situation and the last card is the outcome of the
situation. What these cards tell me is that I strive to achieve what I set forth
to do with my life, I need the passion, be it for my life or my love for life,
in order to put into place of my current situation, but I need to execute it
carefully and with gentleness and femininty of a woman in order to succeed...
(Readers : *Waving a finger* "U Bad Bad Bad Queen... U believe in God and yet u
deal with Occult things.. Condemn u! Condemn U to..." Little Jade Queen :
*Shakes Head* I did no such thing. Sure I know it's Occult.. but I was calling
upon ArchAngels, such as Micheal, Gabriel, Azaphale.. I wasn't calling some Voo
doo, Mambo Jumbo, Weird spirit... It's linked back to the healing powers of
God." *Readers ponders...* Readers : *Scratch head* Is there so many angels? How
come I don't know?" Little Jade Queen : *pats Reader's on the back* I'll tell u
more about Archangels when I have the time... cos there are stories behind them
and what their names mean.. and what their duties are.") I do feel comforted
after I did a reading and I didn't feel that alone anymore.. Cos I know that
everyone has angels watching over them.. and they can carry all your hurt and
dispair and give u hope.. My faith in my religion is also renewed cos my family
and I now go to church every sunday together, just like we use to.. the family
ties must be built, even though all of us have different things, and are at
different paths of our lives.

Speaking of family bonding, My Bro, my Sis and I are getting closer and we are
bonding more. This is becos, I play the games they play and we recently started
talking more to each other, especially my brother and me.. We talk more often to
each other now, even though there is still distance between us.. but at least we
are talking and listening to each other.. We recently bought this hasbro set of
CD games to play and we are now addicted to Clue.. U know Cluedo? (Readers :
"It's Mrs White in the Kitchen with a Lead pipe!") Yeah that game.. the graphic
is so cool and when they make an accusation, a window pops up and shows a little
video.. It's like u are the victim and they are killing u... That's soooo freaky
at first.. then It started to get soo cool and so fun.. Well, there is also
Monopoly and the GAME of LIFE!! now that's fun.. cos they are games that I can
FINALLY Play.. LOL sad but true.. i am not very much a game junkie.. but there
are simple games for a simpleton like me to play...

Will I ever find that something that can fill that void in my life? Would I? Can I?

Realisation..........

2005-02-12T08:00:00.000+08:00

Chinese new year... a time of gathering, a time of reunion, a time where people get together and celebrate with family. My family came over for the new year and I had my whole family with me.. but yet, I felt that something is missing.. and I know deep down inside me, It is going to continue feeling empty. He's missing... Sigh.. I don't get it.. Everytime the festive season come about, everytime where I have to spend time with my family, I will always feel this hallow empty feeling.. It's like even though my family is with me, there is still that something missing.. and I know what it is.. It's him.. Now I realise how empty I feel without him.. He has already been a part of me, and even though He and I aren't together anymore, I still feel that he is still a part of me. I realise that and I am not sure of what I can do at this moment.

"My whole Family"

I had a talk with him yesterday, a short talk. He said he needs someone there to keep him mentally strong, (as if he isn't strong enough), but what surprises me is that he admits that he doesn't feel as mentally strong as he should. Even though he is focused, even though he is working hard, he doesn't feel mentally strong. He tells me that he knows I am with him, even though I am not there, BUT he still needs someone there. I cannot let him lose focus now. I seriously cannot let him lose focus at all. The worst thing of all, is that I am scared, if he finds someone else there, that's the end for me. Cos I know I can be easily replaced. I know that if the more time is spent with another girl, he will fall for her. And if that happens, I seriously do not know what is it that I am fighting for anymore. Yes, it's for myself that I should fight for, but this is for my happiness, this is for my future, this is my life partner i am fighting to keep, because I know and I feel that He is someone whom I can make my life partner and I can live with. I mean, I don't think anyone can know me so well, or can stand me, at the same time, make me feel like I am pampered. (cos I ain't an easy person to love, I am direct, straight forward, sarcastic and stubborn, too headstrong and too emotional.) I really do wonder who can stand me, cos I don't take to lightly to many things. Maybe because I still can't let him go, maybe because I put every guy at arms length, thinking that every guy has a motive, and they are all superficial, looking for a free screw, thinking that a girl who broke up with a boyfriend, who is fat and not too pretty is an easy lay, for a free screw.

Come on man, I know I ain't a babe, but I don't think I deserve that, neither am I a weak minded, materialistic, fat slut that is easily lured by money, car and whatever guys can offer. You guys think that can jump start my temper by saying "Well, you should look in the mirror yourself, you fat pig, you ugly cow." (Little Jade Queen Laugh maliciously) Let me tell you something, I have looked in the mirror, and let me tell you guys something, I look in the mirror and I liked what I see, I look in the mirror, I tell myself and I know that I should deserve the best, which most of the guys can't even offer. So If the trick is to get the girl into bed, and after that it's down hill for her. Well, it's wrong mister! not for me.. cos I can jolly well, get up and go and say bye to u, cos I have nothing to lose now.. Cos I've already Lost everything, but not my love for myself and my pride in myself. Call it cocky, call it arrogant, call it what you want, but I know what I need in life, and what I want. and I'll do anything to get it.

But my only fear is that I'll be too late reaching the finish line, cos he might not wait for me that long, and it is the truth that I am replaceable at any moment, whenever he so chooses.

"Artist: Ryan Cabrera
Album: Take It All Away
Title: True

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true "

It is true, I've waited for you all my life and I'm willing to try and do anything just to be with you.... don't leave me.........

Let's Put our Money where our mouth is. (WORK WITH ME PPLE!)

2005-02-08T20:51:00.000+08:00

Hey being single isn't that bad... it's all cool and all.. i got my new job to concentrate on, making money that way i know how, i still got my family and my friends. I still got care and concern from most of the people closest to me....... all except one.... Sigh who am I kidding.. I miss him like countless times a day and I miss him constantly.... Well he and I are still talking.. at least we are doing that now, but then again... It isn't the same. I'm still pretty much in denial about everything, but at least I am focused on what I have to do.

One: I have to work hard at my new job. Two Save as much as I can. Three Earn my 15K within 2 yrs and extra. LAST Achieve what I want and be who I want to be with.

I am moving on, but with him still embedded in my heart. I can never let go the feeling I have for him. I don't think I can ever let go. *Sigh* I told him straight, I wanted to open a joint account with him. I told him that I wanted to build the trust between us again. I told him that I wanted another chance to make this work, and all he said was, "Why must we do everything now? Can't we see how things goes?" Maybe he's not ready, Maybe he is just saying stuff like wanting to be with me, hoping that I'll spend the rest of our lives together, maybe he doesn't know what he wants. But he told me that he wants to settle down, but I wasn't ready. Now I am..... I'm doing what I have to do.. I'm doing it all for OUR sake.. for US.. but where is he now? *shakes head* I'm confused.. very confused and yet very sadden. I can't talk to him anymore, I don't understand him anymore... I don't know where I am headed for, but I know is that I have to work hard... and Work extremely hard to get back what I want.. and That is him. Foolish huh? A foolish fool in love with someone who might not be the one for her....I don't know him anymore.. I guess it's the distance.. I guess it's the time apart.. I guess it's the different environment that changes all of us... the both of us and the relationship... I'm really scared to admit it, but I am afraid I am losing him, faster than I can grasped....Sheesh... i'm really into this depression and I can't tell him how i feel.. cos he will just ignore me.. i mean.. do i really deserve this? All I ask is just for one chance... one more chance....

"How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
Oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
And that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause l'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've qot to take

Take a look at me now"

Crunch Time... Goals and Evaluation

2005-01-28T11:59:00.000+08:00

Oh Well, I'm single and I finally grasped it within myself to believe it. It's been almost a month and hey I guess I'm doing quite fine. I sat down one day and started thinking about my life and Where it is heading. (Believe me, it ain't a pretty picture. Being at home for the past few days really has taken it's toil on someone.) I am really grateful for a handful of people who still have faith in me, i.e: My family, my ex and a few of my closest friends. I really should start thinking for myself now and I guess it's beginning. I already have set on my goals in life and I told my ex that I'll be back for him after 2 years. (Yes, I still love him. And yes, I still think he's the one I want.)

I need to get pretty much organised and focus with my life now. Firstly I need to pick myself up and get straight down to clearing my shit load of stuff that I have been putting on hold. Then there is my saving part. I need to save as much as I can and I have given myself 2 years. So Good bye to the life I have been use to.. cos It's time to scrimp, save and be stingy. I can't pamper myself for the next 2 to 3 years if I were to get myself out of this. Secondly, Ashley and I had a long talk, and she decided that she wants to get out the country, to expand her horizon and grow and she accepted my offer to go to the UK with me. So I told her 2 year, we give ourselves 2 years to save as much and to scrimp as much, so that we can go over. My estimated budget is around 10-15K, if I can get that much. Thirdly, I do want to settle down. and hey, I still only want one guy... Yes, that's right. That Guy, My Roadster. I don't know why, I still want him.. and I guess I think that he's really the one for me.. Hopefully, we will be together, and I really hope that it turns out alright between the both of us. I don't think I can find another man like him, who really is out to think for the both of us and a life for the both of us. Sure his methods are a bit not to my liking, but I am adaptable and besides, I have tolerated him for so long, why not. By 26, I hope to see something with my life. and I have to work on it. I only hope he will wait for me, cos If he really walks out of my life, it's really going to be a big blow to me.

Sigh.. I just want him.. A bit crazy now about him, cos I Still do love him.... =3

Let's Talk... Mano E Mano

2005-01-24T17:16:00.000+08:00

So life begins and I have yet to think about you. I wonder is it that the feelings we have harboured, we thought, we felt, we consumated is lost due to the distance. Or is it that the hype has died down already due to the distance? We both have similiar feelings. As humans, we need the direct contact, the everyday touch, the everyday smiles and display of affection to keep the relationship alive. I guess that's why we have failed, but have we really failed? I do wonder is it because I was in a state of unsettled that you walked away, unable to handle me, unable to control everything that you wish to control and that's why you walked away from me. Am I that hard to handle? Am I that difficult to love? If I am not, why did you walk away from me, without giving me any answers to the questions you have left me?

I was talking to my parents about us, and I realised I still defended you, still found reasons to defend our relationship. Everything is done for a reason, and life's challenges are for us to face, either together or away from each other. I wonder how far our hearts met in this relationship. Is it entirely my fault, or has someone else dealt us an heavy blow? I've listen, I've taken heed, I've loved and gave everything. Sometime I wonder who is the supressor or opressor in our relationship. I still feel every bit as much for you as I always have, but Do you? I do wonder where am I again, at this cross roads, but you do not want to talk, or question. You just want to walk away, thinking that I have to do this alone. I guess I have been alone all this while. No compassion have you showed me, no heartfelt emotions can be emitted from you. So where are you now, my one true love, my once beloved whom I still love with my heart and my soul? Has the material needs of life over taken all the love, emotions and support I have given to you? Every guy that walks in my life has taken me as a game, a toy? Have you ever thought of me so? A little pawn in your little game in life? Thinking that you can leave me weak and shattered?

Do you really think you have gotten the better of me or doe you think that the battle has just begun? Who can ever love the Jaded Mistress, the Little Jaded one, who have become so much more jaded, so much more detached from her heart, So much more ruthless with her dealings with feeble minded men? Have you not known that I allowed myself to be tamed by you? Allowed myself to be the weaker sex, the submissive slave of the relationship? Have you never treated me as an equal, as a companion, rather than just someone who will submit and do your will? If you dare, come talk to me, explain to me, sort this out with me. If not, you have fail not me, but yourself, as you have promised yourself and lied to yourself about us, about these three years of heartfelt struggle to be together.. Am I really the one for you? I wish to think so and I am working so, but how far are you going to bridge the emotional hurt you have inflicted upon me? How much more pain must you draw out of my heart?

Shit Happens....

2005-01-21T19:55:00.000+08:00

I'm at the moment, in my darkest, lowest moments. Now I realise that I am truly alone and that I have to get myself out of this myself. I cannot depend on love, I cannot depend on luck. The only thing I can depend on is myself. I am accused of a crime that I did not commit and forced to admit guilt, even if I didn't do it. I lost alot of things recently. I lost the love of my life, My one and only, someone whom I thought can pull through the times of good and hardship together, I have been terminated from my job, in which I gave everything and love so dearly. I have been wrongly accused and I am have already changed so much for the better. I guess I am paying for my past mistakes and the Karma has caught up with me. I've lost everything dear to me. I am starting to lose faith in myself and I am trying to grasp how these things came about. No one wants to give me a chance, No one wants to believe me now, now that I have been honest and changed. How am I suppose to pull through this? My parents tell me to Focus on things that I have to do, and my ex told me the same. I have no support but myself. I can trust no one, but myself. I only have myself to comfort.

I am very disheartened by my ex, one whom I love with my very existance. I remember the time when he was facing his court trail. I was there, I have never forsaken him no matter how disheartened, how afraid, how alone he is. And yet, at my own time of need, he has forsaken me. He has left me, in tears, in pain, in sorrow, in loneliness. He's become harsh, cold and distant from me and yet I do not blame him, neither do I hate him? Is that what I have become? Is this what I have to face alone? Walking in this dark lonely path of my life? I know I have to be strong, I need a reason to fight for, even if it is for myself. All I want is him there, Telling that yes I am doing a good job, to comfort me after a long day, someone to come home to fall back on at the end of the day. He has left me so alone and forsaken, at the lowest point of my life, when I have never forsaken him ever.

I am more broken and shattered than I have ever been. I just want to end my life and yet I can't. There is so much more I'm worth. So much more I can be, So much more I wanna do. My life isn't complete. My life isn't ending yet, but I am alone. And I guess I have always been alone. Selflessly giving, never expecting anything back, only hoping for a chance, hoping for someone who can see the true me, to accept me and love me back, with no conditions as I have done. Where is that person in my life? I thought I have found him. I thought I have it all, I thought I could go on, while focusing on what is expected of me? But what is expected of me? Haven't I given my best? Haven't I given my all? Why can't he see? Why can't he feel? The sorrow, the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, my tears, my heart, my silent prayer, my silent weeping? Must I bear all of this? Must I care? Must I? I'm a walking complexity. I scare myself sometimes, I worry myself, I don't even know where to go from here.. alone, and afraid. I have no one.. I never have anyone. Left alone and forsaken by all, I walk this alone. No one to talk to, No one to understand, No one to lean on, No one to catch my tears, to heal my pain, to comfort my silent sorrow... Why have you left me? Why can't You see I need you now, more than I ever have? I have never asked much from you, But why can't I just have you? Why can't you see my pain, my raw emotions, my turmoil, my open wounds, my shattered dreams. I can't blame anyone but myself, but I can't fall into my depression. All I want is him to come back to me, to tell me that everything is going to be fine, becos he is near and he would never leave me, or forsake me, as I have given my promise to him. Cross roads, everyone will reach it one day, and I guess I have walked right into mine? To the left, To the right, or forward, cos I can never go back. I can never go back to where I came from, who I was then. Baby, Why can't you feel my pain? Why can't you see my pain, my tears and my shattered heart? I have bared it all to you and yet You can never forgive me? I forgive you no matter what, and All because I love you... Is love really unconditional from you? Can it really conquer all of my sins? No it hasn't, It isn't true as you have proven it. I am left alone... and it never hurts you to see me like this, You never felt my pain, you never tasted my tears, you Have never felt my shattered heart, calling out to you, wanting you to just be with me, in my moment's of fears and sorrow. Where are you?

Contemplating, Realise, Feel, Hope and Wait.....

2005-01-19T08:16:00.000+08:00

I have been contemplating for the past week. I'm stressed, tired, emotionally drained and disheartened by the events that has transpired over this period of time. I do wonder what went wrong and yet, I still seek for answers. Do I love him? Yes. Does he love me? Yes, but why don't I feel it there anymore? Do I need him physically there, or for him to tell me that he loves me, in order for me to feel it? I contemplate upon that. I relished back on the intensity of the power of our attraction to each other, be it emotional, character-wise or physical. There is something there that binds me to him, this strong chain that is shackled to my ankle and my heart to him.

I remember when he was back here in Singapore, the time he surprised me by coming back early from Thailand, moments when he comes to the shop to pick me up from work. Those moments really cheered me up and made me feel so much more for him. His smiles, His cheeky remarks, his hugs and his kisses, all of these compliment my emotions and my bond with him. I remember when he kisses me, his arms around me, body pressed up against mine, with me clinging to him as our lips mated with each others. The lust, the urge, the intensity of the desire to feel more with our hands and our hearts.

I don't think the physical bonding our our bodies were just purely driven by the plain blind lust. There is something underlying beneath it. It's never just sex, the physically exchange of two bodies. I believe that there was love and we were confirming our feelings for each other. I guess it was at those moments, I was made vunerable, when I feel unprotected from emotional harm and fear was more imminent than I have ever felt. He's the puppet master as I am his puppet to manipulate, to do as he please. He's the Chess Master as I am just his pawn in this game we play. Carefully thought out is the path we take through unchartered territory of what is to come and the unknown.I have placed all my faith, my hope, my dreams and my love all on him, and I only hope he will guide me, lead me to something that both of us are looking for.

But he isn't talking to me. I always believe that if I want to change a person, it would always start with myself and I do not have to use force to do so, All I need is patience and sincerity to do so. A person does not see with his eyes, but he sees with his heart. He can feel the emotions and messages from another's heart. I only hope he does feel mine.....

No Regrets

2005-01-13T01:16:00.000+08:00

I have no regrets of what I just did today and It wasn't an Impusive move. (maybe It was, but it isn't.) I've thought about it.. and remember I did say I did want to get a tattoo.... well i did... i got it done and I have really nothing much to say.

"It's on the back of my neck area"

"JADE"

It's a very abstract design and it's the chinese word "Jade". Jade: for one to owe it and for it to be beautiful, one must have an infinity with it. It's just like me, If one can accept me, love me and be with me, they must have chemsitry, understanding and special bond with me. Then I shall be at my very best with them and put in my very best. It's a reminder to me, to put in my best for one with a bond with me, a chemistry with me, and love for me. You know who I am talking about and I won't give up trying. (James, if you are reading this, This is my reminder, this part of my life, I will not fail and I will not make another mistake.I have no regrets and my mind is set on only one thing) So LOL i don't know, everyone say it hurts, but I didn't feel that much pain. I didn't flinch, I didn't even cringe. My Pet Goldfish was like "You look so calm." Then I placed her hand over my chest and my heart was beating wildly, but my face was calm and serene. I guess my emotional pain has over taken my physical pain that I didn't feel it. I still do love him with everything I have and I have not regretted doing so. Wait for me, I shall prove my worth to myself... and to all...Numb, Focused and Detatched.

Sensuality..... slow.... comforting... sexy... Sex...

2005-01-12T13:49:00.000+08:00

Okie.. Ever had a song that bring images in your mind? I had some moments like this, but the most ulitmate song I have ever heard was Chocolate by Kylie Minogue. It's beat is so sexy, the husky airy voice she used to sing it was oooooo and the lyrics is so hot.. I mean here's the Lyrics..

"
Artist: Kylie Minogue
Album: Chocolate
Title: Chocolate

Fragile seams
I opened up too quick and all my dreams
Were walking out
I'd slowly lost my fire
With every single man a river cried

I had no sensation
Completely numb, left with no satisfaction
I thought no-one could ever get me high again
I swear, I was not looking

Oh, waited so long
I thought the real thing was a fake
I thought it was a tool to break me down
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
If it were human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down
Like chocolate

Tastes so good my hearts been mended
who'd have thought it would
An empty bet and still I won the cash
And man who i love and loves me back

Oh, waited so long
for love to heal me so i would feel it
thought it wasn't breathing when you came
You proved me wrong again

Like chocolate come here
Zoom in, catch the smile
There's no doubt it's from you
And I'm addicted to it now

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go"

It's so sexy.. Imagine doing it while in the background.. in a smoky dark room, over satin sheets, Sweat, breathing and the union. It would be that slow sensual kind of consumating of passion. The line "I had no sensation Completely numb, left with no satisfaction I thought no-one could ever get me high again I swear, I was not looking" You don't go looking for it. It just happens, you would never expect anyone to leave you with intense feeling of pure ecstacy or passion. It's just like me, meeting Roadster, the intensity of our passion, fumed by pure animalistic attraction to each other. No one can bring me to the stage like he can. I tried and tested. When he touch me and when he kisses me, the pure driven attraction. The feeling goes though my body like molten lava, It climbs and escalate. (Jaded Mistress: "Trying to keep it clean okie?" Readers: "OO but it was getting good.. must u?" *Jaded Mistress thinks for a while and nods :"yes must!")
I mean I am open with sexuality and open about how I like it and all, but a variety is a great must.. when can I have one more moment? I'm deprived and I lack attention and affection.. OH what to do..?

I Wonder if I am losing it.... Maybe I am.. Maybe I have not...

2005-01-11T10:08:00.000+08:00

Break Up, Left shattered, numb and somewhat relieved, but do I really feel all that? I seriously don't know where to put my heart in this. I love him so much and yet this happens. Day 6 of the break up. I went through denial, anger, hurt, numb and dispair and now I guess the hardest thing is not to fall into depression. My friends are all proud of me, as now I didn't break down totally, crying like a pathetic baby, and wallowing in self pity. Yes I have become strong, but by what reason? I questions myself, have I gotten too numb? Was I really uncontented with the relationship? Could I just be telling myself fairy tales that it's gonna be perfect and Love can conquer everything? I remember him telling me that Love is unconditional, that it can conquer magnitudes of sins, but has it? I really doubt my ability to love myself, or maybe I can't love him the way he deserves it? But then again, has all this been justified.

Listening to strains of Def Leppard's When Love and Hate Collides, only one verse hits me the most and I can almost cry.

"I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby, like an act of war
I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger, hits you right between the eyes

There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know got to win this time"

I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise. Yes I lied to him about my expenditure, but reasons I believe to be justifiable doesn't seems to be true anymore. I didn't want him to worry about me, I don't want him to wonder if I have enough, If I can survive, If I can take care of myself. The last thing I want him to do is worry, but i don't think he agrees with me. "There's a time and a place and a reason, and I know I got a love to believe in, All I know got to win this time." I gotta win, I never liked to lose and yet, it seems that I have lost so far. I don't want to lose him, not after how much we went through, how much of my life he has become, how much of a future he is with me. I can imagine myself waking up to him, being with him, working hard together.. Only problem is, I am not working hard enough? That I am not committed in this relationship as he is? Submission, I must be forced into Submission, to concede to him, to do what is required of me, without questions. But am I like that? Am I able to submit all my life? Do I tolerate? Do I give in all because of Love?

It's hard for me to love again. It's hard for me to actually feel for another person. But will he love another besides me? I only want him. I seriously only want him.. Call it an obession, call it a crazy insane Obession, but Yes I want and Love only him.. I can go on without him, pretending that I really do not care or I am not hurt. But deep inside, I know... I am shattered, and broken.. But I must go on, I must draw strength from within myself, to become a better person, not for myself, but for Us.. he needs me to be strong, and determined, He needs me to stay focus on our goal.. He needs me... but I have hurt him.. will he still need me? Will he still want me after I changed? Is he willing to accept me, when I am uncertain that he has accepted me for what I am?

"No more talk of darkness.
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you.
My words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom.
Let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you,
To guard you and to guide you.

Say you love me every waking moment.
Turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always.
Promise me that all you say is true.
That's all, I ask of you.

Let me be your shelter.
Let me be your light.
You're safe, no one will find you.
Your fears are far behind you.

All I want is freedom,
A world with no more night.
And you always beside me,
To hold me and to hide me.

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you want me with you here beside you.
Anywhere you go, let me go too.
That's all I ask of you.

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.

Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.

Say you love me?

You know I do.

Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Love me, that's all I ask of you."
(All I ask of you. "Phantom of the Opera")

"All I want is freedom, A world with no more night, and you always beside me, to hold me and to hide me." I don't want the dispair, I don't want the hurt, all I want is him beside me, to hold me, comfort me and want me.. me.. only me.. just me...

Battle Hymn of an Iminent P.M.Sing Woman!

2004-12-07T01:51:00.000+08:00

Do you hear the people sing?
Singing the Songs of Angry men?
But How angry can a man be
Compared to an iminently P.M.Sing Woman?
When the Crimson tide arrive,
Heaven and Earth Collide,
All the men's courage subside,
to the mercy of an iminently P.M.Sing Woman!

When the hormones start to sing,
Care and concern starts to fling,
All emotions starts to sink,
Everyone starts to cringe,
To the mopeing and whining of an iminent P.M.Sing Woman.

Oh how we grumble,
Oh How we gripe,
About the pains and agony of being a woman.
Oh how tedious it can be,
Our bloody Monthly plight
to keep our biological clock
Fine tuned and in time,
the agony of the cramps
suffering a week at an end.

So heed the gentle, but honest reminder,
When the red crimson tide comes a hither,
Be nice, Be sweet to your maiden fair,
For she will reward you for your soothing touch,
OR RIP YOUR HEAD OFF, IF YOU BLUNDER TWICE!

From The Diary of a Girl : First Crush from a Far

2004-12-07T01:23:00.000+08:00

(Notice to Readers: Please bear with me! I am going through a seasonal ranting and crappy moodswing. So here's nonsence from whatever i was feeling that day.)

Tell me about your first crush,
I'll tell you mine.
He's an outstanding student in school,
Athele, scholar and best of all, he's my seinor.
I always have to see him from a far.
What do you mean go up and talk to him?
I'm suppose to go up close and personal?
Who am I to do that? The school Belle?
I don't think he even knows that I can breathe.
You think he's going to even take a tiny glance at me?
I think you are nuts!
I wish I wasn't a nobody.

What's going on today? An award ceremony?
Oh Look! He won another interschool competition.
Who's that other girl beside him?
Must be his girlfriend. I Hate HER!
Oh, but doesn't he look so cool and so cute?
I guess I should be happy looking from a far.
Eh! He's turning to my side! Oh No!
Don't react babe. Relax. Wait! Did he just wink at me?
Nah, Quit kidding yourself girl.
Must me dust in his eyes.
Can't be winking at you, out of a Kazillon others.
Snap out of it.

Argh! First I waited till last minute to do my assignment.
Then I overslept! Smart move babe, REAL SMART!
Now you are rushing to hand this assignment,
Like a wild boar in a hunt, being chased.
What time is it?
OUCH! Hey, Look where you're.....
OH My God! This is embarassing!
I knocked into him, Smack! Just like that!
He probably thinks I am a Clutz now.

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to...
I beg your pardon, what did you say?
Oh No, It's not your fault, I wasn't looking where I was....
It's okay, I'm not hurt. (Just that I'm having a hormonal overdrive)
Oh, you don't have to help me.
(Shit, I'm ranting, Smooth Move Woman! GET A GRIP!)
Thank you, I'd be on my....What?
Yeah It's Calculus, I Suck at it.
Beg your pardon? No, I can't.
Don't waste your... You don't mind?
You really want to? Oh, I didn't mean...
Oh, you noticed? Yeah, I was the one directing the school play.
When? Friday after school?
Around Six? I think i am free.
Sure, Okay, see you at six then.
WAIT, I forgot, where?
Second bench by the pond in the park?
Okay. Bye, see ya.

Oh My God, OH My God, OH MY GOD!
This is unbelieveable,
This cannot be happening.
He actually talked to me,
he even offered to help.
Does that mean that he's asking me out?
As in a date? An actual date?
Better pinch myself, I could be dreaming.
(Or this could be one of those candy induced fantasies.)
OW!! Nope it's real!
There must be a catch somewhere,
But Hell, he asked me out!
HE noticed ME!
YEAH!! (Does a little victory dance)

*This poem is a ranting of a young teenage girl who has the hots for a school senior who DAMN CUTE! but thinks she is the geekest person alive and he wouldn't even care even if she died*

Dear Lost Love

2004-11-30T01:45:00.000+08:00

Dear Lost Love,
I was just sitting down one day,
Was wondering what you were doing.
I hope lif has been good to you.
I remember the moments,
We shared and our talks over our coffee
Everything under the sun, we talked about.
The warmth, the smiles, the laughter
the tears,
How I miss those days.

Dear Lost Love,
I was walking by a place one day,
and I suddenly remembered you.
Our walk through the park,
on that solitude moonlit night,
Bodies close, your hand around mine.
We strolled by the river,
and under the bridge.
A Magical moment that will forever
Etch into my mind,
As it plays it over and over again.

Dear Lost Love,
heard a song the other day,
Images of you appeared from the depths,
I wonder how much hurt can one inflict,
how much sadness can one bear,
Till I can find ground to stand on,
To feel whole on being alone again.
Wondering what it would have been like,
To have you hold me in your arms once again.

Dear Lost Love,
I heard about how you fell from grace,
like an angel that has fallen,
Wings broken and shattered.
I wish I could open my arms to you,
to comfort you, to give you strength
and take all the pain away.
Sinking below the surface you went,
into the bowels of the abyss of pain.
I placed my hand out to pull you to safety,
But you refused to be helped,
and ignore my heart on my sleeve.

Dear Lost Love,
how interesting it is,
to see you sink even further,
to see you become scumier than scum
Beyon the point of redemtion,
No matter how immaculate the cause.
Disappointment sets in,
Resignation is inevitable.
How can you ignore the signs?
How can you turn the wrong way?

Dear Lost Love,
This is the LAst you will see me,
That I will bear my soul to you.
Given it some thought on,
how you have actually done me wrong,
Acutally rejected my affectons.
I honestly feel like a fool,
my trust for you broken,
My love for you gone,
I don't feel anymore for you,
but betrayal and anamosity.

Dear Lost Love,
Goodbye now and Forever...

Written by the Little Jade Queen

My Little Love Song for You

2004-11-30T01:19:00.000+08:00

I've Always thought that love songs
Were sung by blinded fools,
Going through Life with dreams in their eyes,
Until I met you.
i've always thought only birds knew,
The kind of tunes to sing to you,
and write words only Shakespear knew,
to serenade a Lady so true.

It always starts as a Little tune,
A Hum, a ditty, a melody too.
It then progresses on to more,
As my love for you grew.
Symphonies and Orchestria aren't needed,
For this song i wrote for you,
My Little love song,
From me,
Just for you.

You can bring me so much joy,
you can bring me so much pain,
But only you can turn the fire on,
Ignite hyms from beyond,
From deep within my emotions of my heart,
Evoke me to write a song about you,
nothing can replace, the moments,
when i first met you
I tremble when my hand first touched you.

Lips so sweet and yet
untouched by all that we have went through
these words cannot bring back the moment,
When our souls bonded to.
The night symphony of crickets and stars,
they sing of the sweetness
That happens in the night,
Union of souls, hearts,
and of me and you.

So Here as I pen it all down,
I bear it all tonight,
You hold my joy, my pain,
and insecurities too.
My future, My past
and Aspirations too.
In these words,
My Little Love song
From me,
Just for You.

Written by Damien Benjamin .A. III

My Sweet Surrender

2004-11-29T23:49:00.000+08:00

When I look at you,
I see my constant struggle
to break free from my daily toil
to be more like you
Giving me the sunshine
giving me my comfort.
Through the day
My only thoughts
is only you
For you

You are my pillar of strength
You are the passion I strive,
Unable to hold you tight,
You are the love, my life,
My one and only,
My Sweet Surrender

When I come home at night,
And I see you sleeping tight,
the Warmth I Felt from your smile,
Make me Thank God you're Alive
As I stroke your cheek and hear your gentle sigh,
Insatiable Love fills my life.
If I haven't Met you, I wouldn't have known
The sweet Angel I now behold

You are the comfort I have searched for
You are my Peace, My Tranquility
You are always there to wipe my tears,
You are always there to make me smile,
You are my love, My life,
My One and Only,
My Sweet Surrender.

Now at my journey's end,
As I hold you close,
My Immaculate Moments are with you
Our first kiss
Our First dance,
Pictures forever dear
Memories forever played.

You have walked the ends of the Earth with me,
you have sheltered me through the storm
You cared for me in my darkest dispair
You have given me the Priceless Gift,
My Solitude in your embrace,
My haven beyond,
My One and Only,
My Sweet Surrender.

Written by Damien Benjamin .A. III

It's been a Long day, Love life is good, but Social Life is the Pits!

2004-11-27T22:58:00.000+08:00

Oh Man.. can u believe it.. In around 2 weeks, I would have been with the Roadster for 3 years.. Three FREAKING years! Unbelieveable.. I have never been able to last that long with a guy... and I can never believe it could be that long.. tiring and yet I feel so complete with him.. I mean we have grown so far into this that it is hard for me to imagine my life without him now..

We have gotten better looking together already.. i mean now he is willing to take photos with me and I must admit, we look good together..

Take a look.....

"Jamesy & Me"

"Us Again!"

"AND AGAIN!!!!"

(Readers: "EHm.. u are going a bit too far with this." Little Jade Queen: " Far?! I've haven't even left! Besides I love these pics, Can't stop looking at the first one *BLEH~*")
This is by far the nicest pictures we have taken together and it is taken by my very own Digi cam. That's right.. I've gotten a Cybershot 4.1 megapix cam! I love it... been fooling around with it lot.. but mostly taken photos of myself (Damn bloody EGO!! but Geesh! do i look horrible at times.. I don't even think i can take it.)

I also tried to look Bitchy and slutty.. and man I cannot make it.. I still look better as the sweet cute one.. Must smile if not UGLY man.. i mean take a look at the pics below.

WARNING : Those with weak heart and weak stomaches please leave the area now, If not I will not be responsible for the consciquences man! U HAVE BEEN WARNED.

"Trying.. damn hard"

(Readers: "I think I am gonna be Sick.. Pass the bucket!" *Little Jade Queen Passes the bucket* "Thanks. BLEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!")

"Here we go...."

(*Readers take another glance up* "BLEEEEAAAHHHH!")

"Again...."

(Readers: "OMG!! BLLEEEAAAHHH!")

"AND AGAIN!!! MAUAHAHAHA"

(Readers: WILL U STOP MAKING ME SICK!!!)

Ahahaha sorry sorry to spoil your stomaches, but U have been warned what.. ahahah I told u liao, i was too bored, with nothing better to do and trying to let my ulter ego come out (if i have one that is) Anyway, Xmas is coming soon and I have tonnes to do, but I don't feel excited and I don't feel festive.. maybe that's becos my love isn't with me and I am too free to think about a hell lot of stuff.. I hope i don't get stagnant in this 3 year relationship.. I still do love him loads.. it's just that we are so busy with our lives that I haven't been talking to him much and I haven't seen much of my friends ever since he was here and after he left..

That left my social life to the pits man.. I feel like I have been losing lots of friends and I only have a miniscule of what i use to have left. I do wonder what went wrong or have I become what they say " Zhong Se Qing You" (Readers: "What?" Little Jade Queen : "means got bf can forget friends mah!") HAIZ.. Gotta do something about that man.....

This Is......

2004-11-27T22:22:00.000+08:00

This Is where I stand,
Where the world collides
With the unspeakable eternity,
Centuries of understanding,
Eons of Learning
the past creeps up
The Moment stand still
Imagine.....

This is where I breathe,
Scent of the Earth
Melodies of the land
A kelidescope of Emotions
An explosion of feelings
Heaven breathes
Earth feels,
Live....

This Is where I lay my soul to rest,
Through the clouds of serenity
by the river of tranquility
Beyond Seeking the truth
Away from life's destruction
Time flashes by
Memories Replay themsleves
Believe....

My Love's Tattoo.. A symbol of Identitiy

2004-10-22T22:05:00.000+08:00

Guess what, I didn't tell you all, Roadster has gotten his tattoo done on his trip to Thailand. It's a masterpiece done by Leonardo Di Vinci and it's the Atonomy of Man.. He got it done on half of his back and initally, it broke my heart to know that Mr. Man went through all that pain just for this Tattoo.. hopefully it's the first and the last one he's goanna get. (Roadster: "What? I still have to go with you to get yours. Maybe I'll add the inscription in by then. Hee Hee hee")

"Tattoo 1"

"Tattoo 2"

"Tattoo 3"

"Tattoo 4"

Pain eh.. Big eh? My heart breaks to see him go through this, but honestly, it looks good when it's totally healed. Massively cool eh.. wonder what kind of tattoo i wanna put too... and I know where he wants me to put... Man i ain't gonna tell ya...

I Live in a Fantasy World, where the men are so desirable.....and yet unattainable...

2004-10-15T10:22:00.000+08:00

Okie.. I'm bored again.. but yet what did i do to salvage my boredom, to give me a moment's fancy or a moment's pleasure.. ( If all you are thinking of Self Loving, well sometimes self loving ain't enough, buddy.) I guess all of you who knows me well enough knows that I have a thing for anime guys who have a cool, mysterious exterior and charm about them (yeah, the major obsession for Takeshi Kaneshiro)But even though I like a few anime guys like, Sanzo from Genso Madden Saiyuki, Tamahome from Fuugi whatever, and Sanosuke from Samurai X, I recently found something else... *DroolZ MUAHAHAHA*

"Sesshuomaru"

This guy is Sesshuomaru from the Anime, InuYasha. He's a dog demon (Readers: A wHAT?! He doen't look like a dog...") I know he doesn't look like a dog.. but he can tranform into one, a white demon dog creature.. but this is him in his normal form. He has a half brother called Inuyasha, and Inuyasha has dog ears and a dog tales along with his human form. But Sesshuomaru haven't got all that. he's like a man.. but he has claws and fangs. He is accompanied by a small gal call Riin and this frog like creature servant called Jeken. (which in my honest opinion looks like Ranma 1/2's grandfather master, Yeah the Perv old geezer who likes all the women undergarments.. that Perv)

"Sesshuomaru and that toad i told u abt"

Well, i was reading this site that has chapters of stories called Otherworld and it featured these character. but it was the way she described Sesshuomaru that really caught my eye.. I mean.. Okie.. there are pics, but the words are so manetic.. (I wouldn't say captivating, but hey it caught my interest) A Note of caution, Under NC18, please do not even think of continuing... (Okay Okay, i Censor it.. But those who want the NC18 one, leave me a note and i see what I can do..)

This is what the pics looked like and what she says...

"Sesshomaru, Lord of the Western Lands"
"He took Her breath away! He was so perfect! His beauty was incredible - there was not one flaw on his entire body. The twin purple demon markings that were on his face and wrists were also on his hips." (Otherworld, Chapter 22)"

"OOOOO HOT!!! Don't you wanna wake up to this?!"

My new obession man.. I think he's hot.. But i guess it's everyone's human nature to escape to a fantasy world, a world where by they can bend the rules, Where He or she can have the unattainable. I escape to my fantasy world, to find a certain amount of pleasure and peace with my own being. A place where I can be sane.. or insane so to speak. Deep desires and pleasure of the kind of things that you will never get, but then again you can live in it over and over again...

"Sesshuomaru & Riin"

the forbidden fruit of the Little Jade Queen........

Quotes Quotes and more Quotes

2004-10-12T09:17:00.000+08:00

*Shakes her head* My dearest Goldfish is in a total depression mode.. (she didn't answer me when i smsmed her or called her or talked to her online. IDIOT!) My dearest Pirahna is just fine, but she's having a bit of a prob with the younger chap. And me.. I'm just fine and dandy.. just a little bored with life but just fine. I suffered insomnia last night.. I closed my eyes but my mind is awake all the time.. U know that feeling.. you want to sleep but your mind is working, churning, tossing and turning in the sea of thoughts. Maybe it's the caffine in my system, Maybe it's just me thinking non stop about my life, reflecting on my future.

I borrowed a book recently, it's called "Women are from Venus, Men are from Hell" By Amanda Newman. It's a books full of quotes about men. Yes Men! (Very pro-feminist movement kind) but the quotes are hillarious. I mean there are a few i really like. I mean,i really love Quotes.. I have a friend who's motto in life is "Live like a saint by day, Shag like the devil by night and die like a bloody saint." THat was the coolest quote i have ever heard from a guy. Okie back to the book, it touches on topic about the secret lives of men, fear of commitment, guys on guys and all.. how typical sterotypes arises and is it really a man's world. I mean for a woman like me, who is a terrible example of walking contridiction, I'm the last person who is that Pro feminist. I mean, I am driven, opinionated.. but who do I end up with? The World's biggest MCP and The King of all ArseHoles and I'm still loving every moment of it.. Tell me, What's up with that? See what I mean?!

Men, Can't live with them, Can't live without them. Hate them, love Them, Forgive them, Nuture them or tourture them... Sigh...can't we do anything about it?!

Well here's my Motto about life... "I live life with the facination of a five year old, Wonders never cease, Passion never dies and wisdom is never ending......."

My Passion.. MY Love.. My TOYS!!!

2004-10-11T23:18:00.000+08:00

A girl can never have too much cuddly stuff.. Especially Toys.. That's right.. My one love (Other than my dearest bf and my photos). I practically grew up with stuff like that.. Come on.. i mean can anyone of u remember your carebear? I mean the 1980s carebear, not the no character, idiotic looking ones that we have now.. I MEAN those that have a distinct character one? My first carebear is my "Good Luck Bear" which is in a sealed bag somewhere in the abyss called my store room.

When i started working at where I am working right now, (Like i'm going to tell u all where i am working at? :P) I started the TY thingy... ahahah and up to date I have 6 pluffies, One buddy, called Baby Paws (Which is a bear that looks like the bear from "Brother Bear" and it's currently in London, which i have left it there. Actually Mr. Roadster REFUSE to let me bring it home, along with my "CHAO CHAO" *POUTZ*) and a Large one of Baby Paws, aptly named Paws... AHAHAH i know.. I'm waiting for the XL size called Large Paws so i can have the complete set..

I would now like to present to you my toys.... ahaha My lovely TY Precious....

<
"Pokey"

This is Pokey... My very very very first Pluffie.. I love her to bits.. she has been traveling alot with me.. and yeah i talk to her... (Werido huh? :P) She has this ribbon that I have placed a Gyvenchy (whatever the spelling is) female symbol around her neck.. she is my supporter on my PRo-Feminist movement.. YEAH!!!!

"Pooch"

This is Pooch.. this is given by my Moo Moo (a gal that i use to work with) She gave me this to cheer me up cos I was in a massive blue funk over Confused Soul.. it's actual name is Puppers.. but I called it Pooch 'cos Moo Moo wrote all over his chest and gave it a "Tattoo" (It said "TO Bark Bark, Cheer Up.. Love moo moo) I was initially horrified and i was like "How can she?!" (OKIE LAH>>> pple buy me present, I still COmplain.. i know i bad) I was considering washing it off, but he will have a blue tinge all over him. (YES she wrote it in blue marker) so i decided instead to make him a shirt and gave him the male symbol of the othere keychain, like Pokey's

"Whiffer"

This is Whiffer..... ISn't he CUTE?!! I call him my Flop Flop dog.. check out his ears.. He traveled with me as much as the first two pluffies that i got.. But my poor Flop Flop dog has suffered injury.. he has a scar on his left foot (actually not really a scar.. the stiching was so bad that there was a gap on the foot and i have to sew it up) but he is a survivor... and just like me.. he smiles way way way too much... hee hee hee

"Tubby"

"Dangles"

"Corkscrew"

This is Tubby, Dangles and Corkscrew... I got them all at the same time..and a month or so before Roadster came back from UK for a holiday. I got Tubby and Corkscrew cos they remind me of me... (Hippo and Pig.. what do they tell you about me? FAT right?!) And I got Dangles cos he reminds me of my sweetheart... ahahah (born in the year of the monkey u know... and YEAH HE's the biggest ape i know!! ahahahaha)

"PAWS"

THis is Paws.... I have the smaller version of him and i'm waiting for the bigger version of this.. (wanna see the pic.. see my goldfish's blog, she has a pic of it) Once i have Large paws at my hand.. My collection is COMPLETE!! MUAHAHAHAHAH then can have one happy family.. hee hee hee...

anyway.. Time to lose weight.. you cannot believe how much weight i piled on when Roadster was back.. MAssive lots of weight.. need to diet.. exercise.. i want to pick up bowling again... (which reminds me that I have to get my bowling ball from my cousin's place) and then I want to go swimming and jogging.. It seems that I have tonnes of things to do.... SIGH!!! WHEN WILL IT EVER END?

It's International Paranoid Girlfriend Day!!!!

2004-10-10T07:53:00.000+08:00

Paranoia, what is Paranoia? It means: 1)A psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution with or without grandeur, often strenuously defended with apparent logic and reason. 2)Extreme, irrational distrust of others. For me.. as a Girlfriend in a Long distance relationship with one with such a flirtatious character and with the bloody linguistic skills to charm the socks off every damn thing in a skirt and long hair and Boobies.. I am the latter of the definition. Can't blame me though.. can't even tell when is he joking or when is he not joking with me.

This has all got to do with the fact that he keeps winding me up. Telling me this.. telling me that, seeing me freak out and seeing me worked up seems to be a daily pasttime for him. LET ME TELL U, it's not fun when you start to develop paranoia and HE puts the BLAME on you. He doesn't seem to know where the root of all this paranoia started from.. and the answer is.. HIM!! YEP HIM!!!! He loves me i know that.. but he sure like every other living breathing, red blooded lass as well.

Let me see it's 104am in London.. he went to holly's and sarah's birthday party and he's not back yet.. so what happens.. PARANOIA sets in!!! (Dum Dum DAHHH!!!!) seeeeeee???

ps quiz answers ahaha i'm bored...
Your beauty is FUN!!! Man, you really don't CARE
about the way you look because it shouldn't get
in the way of you having a good time. You love
being around lots of people and are very
friendly too. Your beauty tends to be very
ordinary at first but your care-free nature and
contagious laughter make you very appealing.
You've got great verbal skills and your sooo
easy to get along with because not only are you
quite understanding and compassionate but your
light-hearted about things as well. You don't
get under stress that much which helps you keep
up your perky personality. Your beauty can be
characterized by a laugh.(If you can't see tje
pics, go to my homepage and look near the
bottom and find your result)

What kind of Beauty should you have? (girl) (PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Fields of Innocence

I love this song, because it's a feeling so many of
us go through. The longing to be children
again, and to escape the violent reality we all
exist in. You want nothing more then to be a
kid again. I know how you feel

Your Lyrics:

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
I want to go back to
Believing in everything

What Extremely Underrated Evanescence song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Faerie:
Faeries are sweet loving beings who love to help
people. They are not held back by reality and
love to dream and fly around. You probably are
very creative and although not the most popular
person in the world you are probably loved by
many for your sweet caring personality.

What Mythological Creature Are You (Many Results and Beautiful Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a teacher...*OMG?! What's that supposed to
be?!* huhu...don't freak out...you're just the
kind of person who is always teaching a good
lesson to your friends...you like passing
things you've seen and learnt so that people
can live better...^____^

What kind of friend are you?(anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Answers to Quizes i took

2004-10-09T22:05:00.000+08:00

Okie okie.. i promised a hillarious entry.. but i'm working on it.. it's rather long and hey.. it's not easy to get everything running smoothly.. so now i give u some answers to some quizes i took.. Just for entertainment sake...

Your a Guradien Angel! Guardien Angels are also
knows as Warrior Angels, because they are the
army of God. Not always meaning that they are
in war, simply that their job is to protect
unwary humans from dark dragons, or other evil
demons. Warrior Angels are not always friendly
with humans, but they will watch over them all
the time. Humans say that when a miracle
happens, thank your guradien angel.

What Kind of ANGEL are you? (For Girls only) This Quiz has amazingly Beautiful Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Form 0, Phoenix: The Eternal.

"And The Phoenix's cycle had reached
zenith, so he consumed himself in fire. He
emerged from his own ashes, to be forever
immortal."

Some examples of the Phoenix Form are Quetzalcoatl
(Aztec), Shiva (Indian), and Ra-Atum
(Egyptian).
The Phoenix is associated with the concept of life,
the number 0, and the element of fire.
His sign is the eclipsed sun.

As a member of Form 0, you are a determined
individual. You tend to keep your sense of
optomism, even through tough times and have a
positive outlook on most situations. You have
a way of looking at going through life as a
journey that you can constantly learn from.
Phoenixes are the best friends to have because
they cheer people up easily.

Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the color turquoise. A fairly tempermental
person, you're either upset or tranquil most of
the time. You can be as calm as your color.
You're a mysterious person, yet somehow
outgoing. You're balanced, simply put. You're
somewhat bold. You're generous and
sophisticated--but never ever snobby. You're
lively and rich in personality and attitude.
You're a beautiful person, aside from the fact
that you're a perfectionist and painfully
honest. But life is good to you!

What color are you? (Amazingly detailed & accurate--with pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

Your aura shines Yellow!

What Color Is Your Aura?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a "Red Angel" and just because
it's red doesn't mean blood or anger.
Actually, it stands for an angel in love.
You're obsessed with one person and can't get
your mind off them and it's eating you away a
little. You'd do anything for them and wait
patiently for the day they return the feelings.
You're a hopeless romantic and little things
like roses and hugs charm you. You're very
affectionate but you're shy. You're afraid of
getting rejected. Think if it this way, the
brave may not live forever but the catious
never live at all. Don't be afraid to show your
feelings. (If you can't see tje pics, go to my
homepage and look near the bottom and find your
result)

What Color Angel are You? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

You're a Spring. You usually are very close-knit
with your friends and value everyone freidnship
you have. You're a real people person and
everyone loves how friendly you are. You're
good with encouraging people but usually don't
like to be the center of attention. You are a
social butterfly and probably are in several
circles of friends but it's just because you're
well liked and you make people comfortable.
You're both fun and wise but you are very
realistic about life.(If you can't see tje
pics, go to my homepage and look near the
bottom and find your result)

What season are you? (pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

You represent... kindness.
You're a very gentle, kind, and caring individual.
You truely care about people and are generally
well-liked. Though sometimes you may be
perceived as weak, you truely have a strong
heart and a good desire to help others.

What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're the smirk,a frown-smile hybrid that's a
little bit cocky and usually associated with
evil or arrogant,but attractive people.You
probably just don't give a damn,but it's
everyone else's fault if you don't because
you're too awesome to have any real faults.

What Kind of Smile are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are Rerun!

Which Peanuts Character are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

My Claim to Sanity

2004-10-05T07:20:00.000+08:00

I remember I told Jana that the day I dated James, my sanity was left at the door and some stray animal ran away with it and was never to be found. I realise that I am still sane, but not in the relationship aspect so it seems. (If i was, i wouldn't have dated the "Confused Soul" at one point. Which reminds me that I saw him last night, in my area.) Any-ho, Let's not talk about that..

All I know is that I am sane enough to debate with Jana, which Anime guy is cuter. Let me introduce the contestants of this debate....

"Contestant One : Tamahome"

"Contestant Two: Hotohori"

Yeah these two guys are from this anime call "Fuchigu Yuugi". Tamahome, the lead and Hotohori, the supporting role. Former the warrior sent to protect this gal, Miyaga (Who is his love interest, and they did end up togets), the Latter an emperor who has the hots for that gal as well. So, I was telling Jana, that I know why she prefer Hotohori, cos he's like a vagabond, long hair, adventerous looking kind. And she was saying that the reason why I like Tamahome is because I have a tendency to like strong silent type (eg. Takeshi Kaneshiro, with his cool exterior and calm charms and all) So I agree, but however she said that my darling Roadster is a far cry from the strong silent type. He's more of an adventerous, daring and carefree kind who lives life as he deems it should be.

There is another Anime we were talking about. It was that one which is like Journey to the west, "Ga-something Madden" ahaha i seriously don't know what it is called, I guess I have to ask my sister (She loves this anime.)Anyway, below is the pic of that group of Sanzo (the Monk who drinks and has a revolver. *Drools* Another strong silent type I like), Goku (The young punk who is the Monkey), Gyojo, (The "Horny" Devil, according to Sanzo), and the last one, I can't remember the name, and Jana like this gentle, charming and bespecticled one.

"Men Galore"

Sigh, I think Jana and I have reached a stage whereby we got bored again and ended up talking about these stuff. I mean what do u expect two gals with high aspirations, trying to break free from the norm of society and find pleasure in life and love of unexpected proportions. (Jana and I kindda lost touch in doing certain things like being a gf, and me just being non maternal towards everyone) So this year I have a few goals to achieve before I head up to London to join my beloved. With Jana and Lemon, together with me, I am determined to make it this time round.

Photos Galore

2004-10-04T09:04:00.000+08:00

Alright.. it's now time to reveal who is the mysterious Little Jade Queen and the Roadster... I finally can up load the loving photo that we took together (Just to prove that I DIDN'T CROP THE PHOTO NOW.)

"Me & My Love"

HAHAHA doesn't he look chubby? But i like him that way. Don't we look cute?
My relationship with him and my relationship with my two siblings have gotten better. U wanna see who are my pain and my brat?

"The Pain and the Brat"

There are those two now! ahaha My dearest siblings that make my life full of ups and down. I have a close to teenage sister and an already teenage brother. Imagine how life can be like. Anyway we are cute together and we have loads of fun. (Suddenly my blog becomes a fun blog... not a myserious dark blog anymore eh?)

I love taking pictures, and It's a usual ariesan trait i guess. My very close friend, Cheryl has never taken the sticker photos before and we went to take a few shots together and for your viewing pleasure it's below. enjoy...

"The Vixens"

"The best of friends"

Love Affair

2004-10-04T08:32:00.000+08:00

It's sad when a love affair dies,
All feeling closed and looked away.
Like roses dried and wiltered,
As the petals falls, one by one
So does all our dreams gone,
Piece by piece.

You have moved on without me,
As I have walked on away from you.
Never will our paths cross again
Never will we mingle in the night
Will we talk to each other,
Without even saying the things we mean?
Will we even look at each other with that adroation?

it's sad when a love affair don't last for long,
We never fool oursleves anymore
We never pretend anymore.
The flame of a love affair
blown out with the wind
As my heart closes its door on you..

Passion

2004-10-04T08:14:00.000+08:00

Listen to my heart
As it beats away inthe dark
As our breathing mingles
As our souls unite
As ouir bodies bond
As our emotions strung
As our passion cresendos
As the pleasure climbs
As the ecstasy grows.

How are you able to feel without touching?
How are you able to hear without hearing?
how are you able to see without looking?

Melt away the bodily cold,
Melt away the walls of loneliness,
Melt away the screams of anguish.

Let the desire take over all your senses.
Just for one night of pleasure
Just for one night of passion
Just for one night of forbidden dreams.

Feel it
Breathe it
Be it

The Momentary flame of blazing light
The moment where damns of emotions break free
The moment where we forget the world
The Moment of our forbidden love....

Beautify My Blog

2004-10-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

Alright, i learnt how to add pics to my blog.. (Thanks to my pet "Goldfish") Finally...
Okay okay, i know this is gonna get sickening cos at the moment of time, i'm so bored with my life now. (As my bf went back to London.) So now, I would like to imagine myself like a warrior queen. (The little Jade Queen is a warrior queen like the one below.

"With my blade at my hand, I shall slice through the darkness"

now isn't that Nice? Okay Okay.. seems pretty fierce, but Isn't that what the Little Jade Queen is suppose to be?

Anyway, I just finished my first book and now i'm on two my second book. Writing my first book is hard work. It took me 6 months and Hey i even did my book covers myself... Check out my first book's covers below...

"Front Cover"

"Back Cover"

Okay, i admit it's a little abstract concept on my part, but i'm like that..
I'm already done with my 2nd book's cover page and i'm proud to present them to you right now..

"The WITHIN's Front Cover"

"The WITHIN's Back Cover"

What do u think? Leave me Comments on my book cover. Also My first story blog is up. It has the same name as my first book, but the Story plot is way way way way different. So check it out.. it's at http://thefifthgear.blogspot.com.
I'm all up for comments and criticism anyway. (That's how i'm gonna improve right?) So leave ur prints behind...

Distance Apart

2004-10-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

As I sit by the river,
Waiting for your return.
The sun set with the warmth of your embrace,
Remembering the love proclaimed through the silent rain.
As we kissed the moonlight,
Made love in the rain.
Tears fell as the thought of the days to come,
that will never be the same again.
Images of bodies entwined
All fleet away by the gentle touch of dawn,
to the midnight blue sky.
Gone is our innocent days,
Of embracing the night with open arms.
As I watch an image of you
From beyond the horizon,
I feel you against me as you hold me,
Like the sunset, you embrace my soul,
and captivated me,
Soothe the distruction of my live,
That has always been untold

Empty Void

2004-10-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

Your Lips say you miss me,
Does your heart feel the same?
You say you care for me
in the most ignorant type of way.
We've been apart for way too long you say,
it's just 48 hours by the way.
How can your heart be so fickle,
If you wanted me to stay.

Mere words are so simple to say,
But they hurt in the simplest of ways.
Mere actions seems so mundane,
till they break a person's spirit,
Shattering everyday.

I know when a heart sinks,
No one could hear,
But do your eyes blink,
when you don't see me there.

In these few words, I beared,
My heart, the misery you put me though.
But can't you feel it,
Can't you hear it,
That i truly love you?

Waiting, anticipating that it could be you,
an Empty void that you can fill,
that has left me head over heels.

The First time

2004-09-30T09:37:00.000+08:00

The Little Jade Queen and Roadster walks into the village and surveyed the surrounding. They see a villager putting up a puppet show. The Little Jade Queen smiles as she looks at the Roadster as he smiles. Both of them goes off hand in hand to see the puppet show.

Alright LAdies, back to reality. Do you remember your first date or something that you and your man did for the first time together? Well, my last first date was like eons ago and hey i don't even remember what happened on that last first date. Guess what Mr Man and I went to our first movie together on the 16th of September and we watched "Dodgeball". You know what is the best part? He choose the couple seat all by himself. How's that for initiative? All he has to do is to buy me flowers and that will top the cake. (Roadster:" Flowers? What flower? You didn't say anything about flowers?") FLOWERS U NINNY.. the Beautiful, sweet smelling thing that God has placed on the earth to beautify the place (Not small bottles of parfume, parfume is man made), the Tools that he gave Men to win Lady love, the thingy they bring on the first date so that their gals will think of them as sweet charming gentlemen and not obsessive dicks who just wanna get in their pants?! Well Mr. Man doesn't believe in them. I remember when I was double dating with him and my best friend and her that time bf, we had a little disscussion abt giving me flowers AND HE DIDN'T EVEN WANNA BUY ME A WREATH WHEN I KICKED THE BUCKET! so that shows u what he thinks about flowers.

The day before he left, we finally took a photo together (this time, I DIDN'T CROPPED THE PHOTOS TOGETHER) it's just us, together, hugging each other. This has really showed me that even though you are in a relationship that long, there is always something that both of u can do. There are always so many first time for everything. There was the first trip we went together from JB all the way to Genting (With Rey driving) and Hey did i mention that Rey and Slyvia might tie the knot. (FYI, Rey is the Roadster's best pal and slyvia is his gal) I'm so happy for them and according to My man, they have been together for a long long long long time... So finally they set out on the next journey of their lives.. as me and MR Man... we still got a long way to go, to understand, to grow together... I can't wait, cos I will be with him all the way and he will be with me on this journey too.....

Time for a new Beginning for The Roadster and the Little Jade Queen

2004-09-25T05:48:00.000+08:00

No, we haven't given up on each other. After crying three days for him. I finally met him and yes, instead of fighting, we were actually laughing at each other and smooching and cuddling. I can't believe i'm still a sucker for him. After all these years, I can't remain angry at him for long bouts of time.

On Thursday, he made me rush here and there as he wanted to go on a one day, one night road trip up to Genting with his pal. And yeah, we went. Recklessly driving in the pitch blackness of the night through JB, Kota tinggi, and KL, all the way up to Genting, arriving at 245am in the morning. When we checked in, the both of them went out with lady luck to see if they can make a bit of spare change at the tables, I stayed in the hotel room with the telly. The Drive all the way back was scary, when his pal clocked 180km/hr on the Honda we were driving.

Sadly, today, My beloved went back and is now on the plane back to London. Tears shed and promises made to each other. We haven't got time to waste anymore and nothing is going to come between us anymore. We are going to close the gap btween us and the distance between us. @ years and 9 months, we have been together and we are not ready to give up. I finally realised the Goal that i have to achieve and it a common goal that both of us want at this moment and it's a long term goal.

Call me innocent, nieve, but I know at the end of the day, who do i want to be with. I am his and forever shall be HIS. Our love for each other is beyond words, and Tears Shared between us, The distance makes us stronger, the adversity bonds us more and more together and the love we share grows.. All is left is up to Us, Up to mE to pull through to the end......

At The Junction of my Life, My fears surfaces

2004-09-22T11:18:00.000+08:00

I don't know where to go in this relationship anymore. I didn't know one can feel so much pain and hurt in just three days. Is it an accumulation of all that i have taken in the back and hid all my feelings? Has the cupboard gotten so full that it has bursted open already and everything has just exploded in my face? Is there no way to salvage my feelings in this relationship?

I had a talk with his pastor and i realise i might be hindering him in his growth. That i might be 2nd priority in his life right now. I want to move on in this relationship as well. i want to have the comfort to know that he knows what to do and i don't have to worry abt my place in his heart. When that happens, i can let him go and do what he has to do and not really worry about him that much. I have dreams and aspirations too. I want to pursure my studies and everything, but i have to think if i study 2-3 years, will he wait for me? I am not too sure about that. I don't feel that security in my relationship anymore. I have lost out of so much time with him, because he is away most of the time and best of all.. When his pastor asked him if he is committed to this relationship, he couldn't even answer.

Commitment.... this word surfaces again. I remember the 2nd time he initiated the break up it's becos of commitment. There are cracks in this relationship that i want to mend. THere are issues that we have to settle.. on my side, i know it's the money issue of our relationship, my spending habits and my lying habits. On his part, to him, there is nothing, as he has did everything he has to do. Shouldn't we try to settle that JH issue, That Diana Issue, the Comment abt Him being able to sleep around and yet only Love me? I mean there is no comfort in the comments he made at times. He says i'm hurting him and everytime i will admit that i have been hurting him. But when he has hurt me slowly, does he know? Does he even noticed? He says i'm wallowing in self pity and all i know is to cry. OF cos all i know to do is to cry. I have not much of an outlet,do i? I can't tell my friends all my problems, i can't tell my parents problems about us ( i know my parents doesn't like him as much as i know that his parents doesn't like me.) I have shed so much tears for him and he doesn't know it. I dare to admit that much of it is my fault, but he isn't faultless as he is. I am not asking for the finacial security. All i want is that emotional security, the thought of being able to go head with my dreams and aspirations and not worry that i will lose him to any hot bodied, long legged, small waisted woman. The thought of knowing that he's all mine and i don't have to fight anyone off for him and the fact the i am his one and only in many aspects.

The thought of him sharing the bed with another woman doesn't give me the comfort to go ahead and not worry. I'm stuck at square one and he says it's my fault. he doens't know that he partially has a part in that too? I admit, i'm childish, i admit i am in my own world, i admit that i am overly paranoid. I have lost so much before, i never loved anyone as much as i loved him, why shouldn't i be scared, why shouldn't i try to make sure that he is really mine? I may have put in alot in this relationship and i guess to him it is never enough. so i give more, but the more i give, the more harder this relationship becomes, the more problems we face.

He is a practical person, i am an emotional person. I feel for everyone, i feel about everything, I Fear most of the time. I fear alot. I fear of losing him, I fear that there is someone out there better than me and he would want her and not me. I fear that if i let him go, he wouldn't come back to me at all. I Fear to losing everything, I Fear and no matter where i try to find comfort, at the back of my head, there is always this fear. I fear losing so much time with him as I have lost quite alot of time with him as he left for London. I hardly want to question his whereabouts and his activities, but as i absorb all that he is telling me, How not to fear, how not to question. I don't know what to do. All i know what to do now is cry and in crying i still haven't found my comfort. In my tears, my fears and pain has not even subsided....

Isn't it too late?

2004-09-21T07:25:00.000+08:00

Now he wants to compensate, asking me to meet them in KL or Genting. Do you really think that he can make up for it now? I'm not on leave anymore, I have got work and i only got one day off. You think i can squeeze it all in one day? You think that All i have to do is pack up and go? You think I really have the mood to go right now? I cried the whole night, I feel like shit and you think just by asking me go, he can compensate me for what i feel?

He never did consider how his actions or words might hurt me. It's just like that night at Can Cafe, on our anniversary. He said " You know me, I don't care who you know, I just do what I want." He doesn't even care if that pisses me off, or he doesn't care what it means. To me, it means he has no regards for me, or who ever i know is not important at all, cos i am not important and i am not an equal in a relationship? The very next day he brushes it aside. Why is it that my feelings were never considered, why is it that whatever i think and whatever i feel not important to him at all? All he wants to do is just what he wants to do and whatever i want to do is brushed aside. Am I unreasonable to be angry? Am I stupid to make a mountain out of a molehill?

Everytime he brushes things aside, I swallow, but now there is too much to swallow. There is a limit to what i can take and he just hit the limit of my tolerance already. I have beared with everything and knowing him, he will just say, he doesn't see the need to explain, to justify what he has done or what he is doing, cos there is no case for me to fight against him. He always makes me feel like the problem is me. He always makes me feel that what ever I do and say abt him is uncalled for and he isn't at any fault. No matter what, he always makes me feel like i am at fault. Is it always my fault? Sure I made mistakes in this relationship and i know they were major mistakes, but does that mean that he isn't a fault? Does that mean he is always the saint in this relationship? He has made me feel so bad and so guilty about it and he tells me that He wants to move on in life and he wants me to be a part of it. He also said that if i don't buck up, he will have to do what he has to do. I know, but what abt how i feel? Everytime, he makes it sound like it's His relationship. Where is the Us? Where is the Me in this? I don't see the Me in this relationship anymore. Everytime thinking that what i feel and my actions are so small and redundant already.

I have cried the whole night, I have cried so hard, I have never cried so hard and All i know, it might be all wasted cos he doesn't really even care about how i feel anymore, he just do wat he wants to do. That's all that matters to him. It's what HE Wants, not what I want that is important. It's what HE thinks that is important. It is who HE knows that is important. He goes around insulting my friends, he sometimes says things about my dad, he goes around thinking that all my friends have no taste in guys, he goes around saying things about my family. He thinks he is that good. His cockiness annoys me and never, he has never once think of how it has affected me. He will always say that i take him too seriously and take all his jokes too seriously. But when do i know it is a joke and when it is not one? Does he really take pleasure in winding me up so bad? Does it make him happy that I am feeling miserable and feeling so sad? Doesn't he know how the aftermath of his actions affect me, How much it stings, how much it really really hurts me, cuts me and makes me feel so damn miserable?

Disappointed.... Depressed and in Tears

2004-09-21T01:01:00.000+08:00

How can he do that? I've never felt so disappointed, so left out and so sad. What's the most depression and heartbreaking is the fact that he always brush things aside as it is really nothing at all. All my anguish,my hurt and my sadness, all brushed aside and not taken seriously. He sometimes make me feel like he can only have fun without me and not with me. I'm not a part of world he has, i am not part of that life he has. U know how it feels like that everytime i have to go home and the next day he tell u what they did after i left? I feel really hurt and it really makes me feel that he is restricted when i am around, that he can't do what he wants to do when i am around. Imagine, u take leave for him but all u did was bum around and the day u start work, He tells ya that he's going somewhere..

Come on man, how do you think it makes me feel? I have nothing with him, i don't have any tender moments, we don't do anything special we can really brag abt. And best of all, he doesn't care how i feel.. he doesn't care how his actions affect me. And he goes right ahead and do whatever shit he want to do. And me? What do I do? I have to swallow everything that is thrown at me, my pride, my emotions, my hurt and my disappointment. I have to swallow everything and take it. I love him so much and really, I really have taken alot in my stride, it's just that each time it gets more and more unbearable and yet i don't want to let go of him. I can't let go without a fight.

He blames me for being paranoid over small things, but after he hid that JH thing from me for over a year, how not to? He says his best friend has lost his skill and never clean up after himself. It really makes me think if he has done anything behind my back in London. Doesn't he know that the more he tells me abt other women he's hanging with, it makes me more and more scared? He always makes it sound like it's my fault, even when it's not my fault. I mean he says it's okay for him to screw all the women in the world, but he loves only me. How does that sound comforting? Doesn't he know that trying to wind me up is actually making me feel damn bad? Doesn't he know that it's killing me, hurting me? He really makes it sound that the problem is me? But is it really me?

I'm now in tears, does he care? I have shed so many tears cos of him and why does he still want to hurt me? Why does he still think that it is okay when it isn't? Can't he see that? Can't he feel that? He says all i know is to try, but i can't tell him how i feel cos there isn't a point to tell him... so i cry and cry all those silent tears. Silent Tears that will never be heard, Silent tears that will never be seen, Silent tears that he will never understand the anguish and pain he puts me through.. the misery that i have to bear and that comfort that i can never find at times....

Dare you to Move

2004-09-17T10:12:00.000+08:00

I was listening to Switchfoot's "Dare You To Move" one day (thanks to my brother, it made me think about where do i want to go with my life. The avenues I can explore is unlimited and the possibilities are the skies and it's only the matter if i dare to take that step. If I were to really consider going to London to be with the Roadster, Shouldn't I take the first step into this other life i could have with him? It's really if i really dare to move. "Dare you to Move." to me isn't threatening at all. It's just challenging me to make that first step and if i really dare to take the plunge together with the Roadster.

Sure, he sure is flirtaious with all the chicks in London, and maybe some here (that i might not have known) but hey, i guess i have to live with it. I know where his heart lies and it's always with me. I do get green eyed, and i agree i get overly paranoid over small things, but I have got alot to lose haven't i? (Oh don't tell me that i don't have much to lose cos i will find another one better) Yeah sure i will, but when? I don't really go for typical guys and there is something that the Roadster have that is so different from all the guys. That factor alone made me unable to break free from him. It's that factor that binds me to him and i'm in so called in a death trap that i can't get away from and i don't intend to anyway. Call me stupid or anything, i mean after almost three years, i don't think i am intending to give it up, maybe it's time i take on that dare to take on the next step shouldn't I?

I have felt before

2004-07-21T10:56:00.000+08:00

I felt the love before,
Vibrant and warm,
Like days of endless sunshine
Like an addiction to a sugar rush
Like a lover's tender touch.

I felt the passion before,
Searing and strong
Like a buring desire
Like an insatiable hunger
Like an undying flame.

I felt the sadness before,
Cold and harsh,
Like a winter's night in Siberia
Like a scream that pierce through the darkness
Like the tears from the heavens.

I felt the regret before,
Bitter and resonating.
Like an anguished battle cry
Like a lost child in the big city
Like a man, breathing his final breath.

I felt heaven before,
Enlightened and bright
Like a priest preaching the word of the Lord
Like a mother's unconditional love
Like the vows between man and wife.

I felt all these in a lifetime,
I felt all that i can.
I felt every step of this Journey
A discovery of Who i am....

Who are You?

2004-07-21T10:51:00.000+08:00

Who are you?
Whispering my name in the night.
Who are you?
Opening that forbidden door
Who are you?
Feeeling me in the dark, molding me like potter's clay.

What do you see?
What do you feel?
Can you see me cry?
Can you feel my heart bleed?

Who are you?
When you say you loved me
Who are you?
when you say I shall always be with you
Who are you?
when you say you will always be there.

Can you see the pain?
Can you see the hurt?
I feel for you, care for you
Always there for you.

Who are you?
who reject my love.
Who are you?
To put me through an abyss of suffering
Who are you?
To dwell in the dark recesses of my heart.

We'll never know and would never know
an untold Story ripped, unseen,unheard or played out
That's who you are.

Rememberance

2004-07-21T10:44:00.000+08:00

Rememberance of a time we knew so well,
The Passion and Love we shared as well,
How beautiful and fleeting it is.
The gentle caress, the tiny smile,
That look of stars in your eyes.
No words has passed our lips,
No sound except our gentle breathing.
Two hearts, singular and yet one.
Have i found?
A celestial union of two entities?

You were a muse, a tease, my love.
A siren's song and the devils's temptation.
Irresistable and yet forbidden.
A deadly potion are you
As you feed my addiction
and play me like a violin
Teasing and testing
Trying to find ground on where to stand
But I have to let go of your hand.

For it's a long road one has to take,
From friends to lovers to something more.
You build me up and yet shatter me.
I rise, fall and yet I plummet
Free falling through my emotions
Like a jumper without a chute
I sway with you, play games with you
But all I can do now is remember.
Fore memories are all I have
A rememberance of you...
A rememberance of Me....
A rememberance of Us...
Long ago...

Another Chapter Closes

2004-06-20T07:22:00.000+08:00

Oh Well, Another Chapter Closes and another begins, The "Confused Soul" have decree that he and the Little Jade Queen will remain friends and whatever isn't possible. I'm glad, as ends a chapeter of heartache, of guessing, of worrying, of hurt and of jealousy. Affection of friendship will not be lost, but however, affection of something more is gone. I do not feel that way towards the "Confused Soul" as he now in the mist of his own confusion and now, The Little Jade Queen has taken a seat above the fog, above the confusion. She can see clearly now that what she has to offer to the "Confused Soul" and that is Friendship. Friendship, Love and care are all unconditional when u are Friends, as no one will question your motives and your intentions.

Arrogance and Confidence

2004-06-05T08:17:00.000+08:00

There is a thin line that seperates Arrogance and Confidence. Arrogance is defined as "a feeling or an impression of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or presumptuous claims." and Confidence is Defined as "a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances". And it is interesting how people can view it differently. However I would like to thank the person who made the comment, and i appreciate ur views.

After many years of being the butt of pple's jokes, and being taunted from a young age i have learnt that People feast on another's lack of confidence and always take opportunity to put a person down to make up for their own lack of confidence and to make themselves more important and superior. However, when another has confidence or arrogance in themsleves, it seems harder to put a person down? I have learnt to accept myself for the way i have become and i learnt to take comments and critcism with a very constructive and very intersting light. Thank you very much, to who ever made that comment and i believe that everyone has their right to voice their own opinion on issues on a person, but however I was wondering why would people make an attack on another person's confidence in themsleves? Is it because they lack confidence themselves that they must reassure themsleves this way? I agree i'm fat, and I'm ugly to some, but I have to ability to accept my own weaknesses and strengths to accept myself and be happy being myself. So i ask the question on who ever made that comment, that can u do so?

I believe to be able to get along with people, to live with people and to love a person, one must be able to accept the person as a whole, and not pick only on the good aspect. My ex once told me before, that a person who lacks confidence is like a hollow shell, he or she may have the looks, but what else they have? Do they have the ability to live their life with the confidence that they can take on anything, the confidence to accept any criticism and any animosity in their life? ARe they aware of their full capabilities and making full use of it? Everyone has a choice, and i believe
that I too have a choice to be who i am, to be what i am and a choice to be who i wanna be with. You may think i am arrogant, and maybe i am, but however, i have the confidence to carry though my life and take in all the comments made to me.

However, i would like to question the person who commented on my arrogance and confidence is that if you have lived my life, walked in shoes and faced the things that i have face, would u have grown to be like me? would have be able to accept the comments and harsh critisim that I have faced through my 22 yrs? Would you be aware of your own ability to take on the whole world with the humour I find in life? Would You have reflected on how to better yourself and not wallow in self pity? Could You have face adversity and smile it all off, and take it in your stride? Do not compare me with things that may not make a difference in life, but Compare me, not by society's standards, but Life's standards. At the end of the day, it's your Self confidence and self esteem compared to mine, and if u can take on what the world has served you the way i have, then u shall have my utmost respect.

One Down, Two to go!

2004-06-01T08:26:00.000+08:00

As the three ships advances foreward, the smaller of the ships suddenly fall back and at the Command of The Little Jade Queen, Canons have been fired at the ship. The Smaller vessel have then been blown to pieces. Now all we have left is Two of the bigger ships. However, in the distance, The Little Jade Queen can see that one of the ships is making a steady course towards her, while the Other is like meandering here and there. It's really funny as I was talking to the Lesser of the three, he was saying that Women should also put in the effort as we want equality. However, he isn't use to going after Older girls. I am able to handle myself, but is he able to handle me? Thus he is eliminated, as he isn't able to and matured enough to take on the Little Jade Queen.

Seriously, recently I kept dreaming of One of the two left and it's interesting enough, i was dreaming of the one who keep baiting me with emotion and mental games. Is this a sign of impending danger or a sign of things to end? The Little Jade Queen lays her head down into her slumber and yet she is troubled by images that she cannot explain or decipher the meaning in the dreams..........

Sitting and Waiting for "IT" to happen

2004-05-29T23:23:00.000+08:00

The Little Jade Queen stares out of the window and sees three dust trails in the distance and little whirlwinds of smoke is coming from each one. Three Riders on the respective trails, riding toward the Jaded Castle. I know this sounds like a redition of a fairy tale story like Snow White's notion of "Someday My prince will come." Or Cinderella's Meeting with the Prince Charming, or even better, Sleeping Beauty's "Once Upon a Dream." Duet with Prince Stephen. So what were they dreaming of, or hoping for?

"IT"! They were waiting for "IT"! Someone to come and grab.. I mean come on, they are all princesses up for grabs and it's a matter of who grabs them. The Little Jade Queen now follows in the foot steps of all the other princesses, in the hope of someday, maybe "Once Upon A Dream", that "Someday my prince will come" Funny Notion, or not.. i'm just sitting on the pier, watching three ships sailing towards the shore. Which one of the vessels will hit land first, I do not know.. Therefore I sit and wait.. and hoping... hoping that someone will...

DO I have a Sign on my face?!

2004-05-26T09:37:00.000+08:00

It seems rather interesting how guys know that u are single and all. It's like as if it's written on my face and the sign says, " I Got Dumped by My BF, Come pick me up." When that's the last thing i wanna do. I don't wanna get involve in any relationship now, not when my last one isn't settle and done yet. Now how do u expect me to Build my life again when i'm am bombarded by all these shit now? The Little Jade Queen keeps building walls when she is constantly being fired at by the enemy with Fury balls of flames at super speeds. She can't Keep up and she can't continue building walls.. GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!! I NEED AIR TO BREATHE U ASSHOLES, don't try ur stupid advances on me.. I need to breathe First.. and I still miss my Roadster... and He doesn't miss me.. :~(.. The Little Jade Queen Breaks down.. she seeks comfort but can't find it.. she seeks warmth but all around her is the cold loneliness, She seeks a firmiliar face to hold, but all she sees is emptiness...

The Reason

2004-05-25T00:18:00.000+08:00

The Roadster said i don't understand, he said that i don't get what he has been trying to say. He also said he doesn't see the girl he loved before and there are reasons for loving me. Does anyone need a reason to love? Does anyone stop loving after they know more of a person and they can't accept? The Little Jade Queen loves the Roadster very much and when asked if there is a reason why, she can never find a reason as there is no reason why she shouldn't love him and there is no reason why she loves him so. She accepts him as he is and never once expects him to change for her. "If i can find one reason to love you, I can find 101 reasons not to and to leave you." Sometimes i wonder if everything is worth fighting for. I really wonder what does it mean to prove your worth to someone. What is worth? Worth of affection? Must Affection and loved be earned, just as respect? Do i really have to earn the affection and love of the Roadster? Doesn't he Just love me? Must I really earn his affections, just so to feel loved by him again? Hurt, dejected, i retreat further into my Jaded castle, behind my walls, lost and shattered, full of sorrow and remorse... Won't u love me again? Won't u care again? Won't you think of me again? Won't you stop playing with my weaken emotions?

Numb and Almost going to Crack

2004-05-24T07:33:00.000+08:00

THe Little Jade Queen Retreats further into the Castles and begins erecting more walls and installing cannons for defence. Call me cold and dejected now. I don't see a need to be normal.. for whatever is normal. The Roadster has left a very big Void for anyone to Fill, The "Confused Soul" has started the masqurade with her. The Little Jade Queen seeks comfort, but however gets none as she falls deeper into the abyss that has engulfed her very exisitance. The "Innocence", My "Femme", and The "Spunky one, along with all of my other friends seek to comfort me and yet I feel more and more lost. I have been left floating in a sea and i can't seem to find land to rest my tired feet and weariy heart. I need someone to comfort me.. I need someone who really cares and understand me.. I'm the Little Jade Queen.. cold, mysterious and now shattered. Will anyone come mend my heart? Will anyone come hold me dear? Will anyone understand my torment, my sorrow, my pain, my fears, my insecurities and my anguish?

Grave Crawlers and Swimmers

2004-05-22T07:38:00.000+08:00

Ah.. it's often said that Revenge is a cold dish served cold. So why wait 2 years to hurt someone if you don't really love her or care about her? The Little Jade Queen is perplexed by the whole Issue of the Roadster and The Previous. She has her fears and she has her insercurites. The Previous has been a torn under her skin and she carries it silently till now.. At the moment, The Little Jade Queen contemplates what is going on. The distance of Roadster, the ressurection of the "Confused Soul" from the grave, as the "Confuses Soul" slowly climbs out and she watches. The Fickleness and changes in Temperment of the "Confused Soul" has thrown everything out of the natural balance and have thrown everything out of the window that the Little Jade Queen decides to take a step back and look.. and See if there is anyone to grab her. "Solitude is at his peak when u don't know what is going on, Silence is when u can't say what's in your heart." Who loves me, and who do i love? then again, I don't believe in Love anymore, as What is there to love?

Alone Again

2004-05-18T15:29:00.000+08:00

Today is the day, 18th of May 2004, after 2 yr 5 months 5 days, The Little Jade Queen and Roadster's Chapter is finally over. Shattered, but who's there to pick up the pieces? The hurt have been inflicted, the Trust Broken and the love gone, where do i begin to pick myself up and where do i begin to start walking? I guess I have taken him for granted and the love we shared. I assumed that we would work things out and well, Love can conquer all and yet i have destroyed it bit by bit.. "Never Assume as it will make an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME". I can tell pple that, and yet i have made myself the biggest ass in the whole entire world. I see the shattered and broken glass on the floor and yet instead of picking it up to mend, i cut myself over and over again. And now i have to bear the consequencies of my actions, and I have never regretted abt many things before and yet now I am.. However, I can't rewrite the past nor erase the pain inflicted, i just have to move on and walk on.. without him in my life, without the pillar of support and the shoulder for comfort that i have had for so long... The Distance is far and it's getting further.....

Shattered Dreams, Broken Hearts

2004-05-15T07:49:00.000+08:00

Wounds of the heart has been slowly pry open and when you least expected It suddenly opens and you feel the pain of someone else. The "Confused Soul" has just fallen and fallen hard. As he crashed to the ground, The Little Jade Queen feels the pain and carries it silently in her being, as she is unable to express the hurt that he has inflicted on himself. She is unable to give him comfort and unable to tell him that no matter what, there is always tomorrow. As you know there are somethings that one person have to do for themselves. I mean, even though i am denying the fact that i am in denial, and in depression, i know very well that i am in depression and denial. How did i manage to do it, i have not idea and I realised how long i have been in Denial. How can he affect me? How can I feel the things he have gone through? He has lost so much of himself that I have come to know and had once loved. That glimmer in his eyes, the smile, the laughter and the tenderness onced shown, all buried and thought to have died together in the Storm.. but it's now surfacing... THe distruction and Confusion begins...

A moment to Reflect

2004-05-14T07:50:00.000+08:00

Looking back on things that have happened, something inside of me is like trying to crawl out of the depths that have been buried. However, I do not what it to surface. The Affection for the "Confused Soul" has been trying to surface, but however The Little Jade Queen hides it so well behind her jaded mask of indifference. At this Moment in time, the Little Jade Queen tries to reason why she will still condsider the "Confuses Soul", but there is a strong reminder that he's someone whom can't love her or someone she can't love at all. "That boy's just A walkaway Joe Born to be a leaver Tell you from the word go, destined to deceive her He's a wrong kinda paradise She's gonna know it in a matter of time That boy's just a walkaway Joe." The Little Jade Queen can't help feeling for him and yet she knows that He's destined to be someone who can only walk in and out of her life and someone who will shatter the very spirit and heart of the fragile Little Jade Queen. The "Confused Soul" has given friendship and thus the Little Jade Queen rather remained it that way and Leave it all to the unknown and not into I should have known or Could have done...

Another Etch on the Wall

2004-05-13T04:47:00.000+08:00

The Little Jade Queen looks back on the wall, scarred with marks and gourges, she traces her fingers over them and smiles as she sees how far the wall streches and all the marks the marr the big marble expanse. These are all the battle scars she had to carry and she carries them proudly. They are like signs of Growth and how much I have been through. This morning's Conversation with the Roadster made me realise how much can one person love another, even if the person have done a shit load of shit. Given what i have done to the Roadster, he said words that i never thought to come back to haunt me and turn the tables around on me "Why do You love me so much? I'm a mess, a screw up." And yet the answer given was clear enough for me "Love is unconditional, Love can conquer multitudes of Sin." I never did think that these word would return or surface. Which brings me to think whether love is so great or is it like a conquest. "Maybe I've been here before I know this room I've walked this floor I used to live alone Before I knew you I've seen your flag On the marble arch Love is not a victory march It's a cold and It's a broken Hallelujah." This is love.. the path that have to be walked again, I wear the battle scars proudly and i walk with my head held high, as this is me.. the Little Jade Queen. "Maybe there's a God above And all I ever Learned from love Was how to shoot At someone Who outdrew you It's not a cry You can hear at night It's not somebody Who's seen the light It's a cold and It's a broken Hallelujah." No One can try to understand you, but I can see it in your eyes, the pain, the suffering, the adoration, the love and hope that still lingers in your eyes. Though You hide it so well, and though no one can see it, it's there, for I can feel your pain, see your agony, and yet I can never heal....

Loss of Innocence

2004-05-12T09:34:00.000+08:00

Eyes look at u, what do they reflect? What do u see? Over the year, The Little Jade Queen remenince her first love, the innocence and purity of it all.. now Looking back, where has it gone? It's unclear how as kids we see the world differently as we do now.. I guess when we were younger there is just clarity of everything, the pureness, the joy of the simple things and the sheer beauty of things. Over the years, Cynicism, skepticism, and the acceptance how this is how the world must go, have blinded us in a on going realisation that we did lose that innocence and we don't see things as it is.. We always question and ponder why. The Little Jade Queen witness the literally tearing of the human spirit, bit by bit, piece by piece, the way it eats a person inside and the way they are like maggots, tunneling till all is left is a hollow shell... And yet that person is grasping for something that they do not know if it is there or where to start looking for it. "How do You love a person who doesn't have a heart? How do You love a person who can't find his heart? How do you love a person who doesn't even know where is his heart?" Witnessing the Transistion of the "Confused Soul" to "Fallen One" has been the hardest thing The Little Jade Queen have to witness.. Even though part of her has died with the "Confused Soul" she knew eons ago, she refuses to relinquish the bond and the friendship.. by constantly standing on the ground where she knows he can reach her.. When she herself, doesn't even know where to start mending her own heart and her own emotions...

Flight of Fantasy

2004-05-04T12:24:00.000+08:00

The Little Jade Queen views her surrounding with determination and yet dispair. She sees something flicker for a moment and then it disappear. Sometimes when u just walk away from a relationship, it's hard to even get back into that mode of falling in love again. I guess it's time i slow it down and enjoy a pace of life that i can handle. Of course it doesn't help if you keep thinking how things could have been, even though you know that maybe it will lead u back to that someone again, i do wonder if the feelings will be the same or do i have bear the scars of it and live in the fear of being hurt again. When the Storm took place, the Little Jade Queen remembers how hurt have been inflicted, whether intentionally or not. Did the "Temptress" and the "Confused Soul" Trap the Little Jade Queen into the eye of the storm or was it that she just happened to be at the wrong place, at the wrong time, falling for the wrong person? Did "Confused Soul" have actual feelings or was it just a fantasy? How funny it seems for the Little Jade Queen to lose her faith in love after the Roadster and after the "Confused Soul", as she retreats further into the Jaded Castle. Will she see a smile on her face again?