I don't know where to go in this relationship anymore. I didn't know one can feel so much pain and hurt in just three days. Is it an accumulation of all that i have taken in the back and hid all my feelings? Has the cupboard gotten so full that it has bursted open already and everything has just exploded in my face? Is there no way to salvage my feelings in this relationship?

I had a talk with his pastor and i realise i might be hindering him in his growth. That i might be 2nd priority in his life right now. I want to move on in this relationship as well. i want to have the comfort to know that he knows what to do and i don't have to worry abt my place in his heart. When that happens, i can let him go and do what he has to do and not really worry about him that much. I have dreams and aspirations too. I want to pursure my studies and everything, but i have to think if i study 2-3 years, will he wait for me? I am not too sure about that. I don't feel that security in my relationship anymore. I have lost out of so much time with him, because he is away most of the time and best of all.. When his pastor asked him if he is committed to this relationship, he couldn't even answer.

Commitment.... this word surfaces again. I remember the 2nd time he initiated the break up it's becos of commitment. There are cracks in this relationship that i want to mend. THere are issues that we have to settle.. on my side, i know it's the money issue of our relationship, my spending habits and my lying habits. On his part, to him, there is nothing, as he has did everything he has to do. Shouldn't we try to settle that JH issue, That Diana Issue, the Comment abt Him being able to sleep around and yet only Love me? I mean there is no comfort in the comments he made at times. He says i'm hurting him and everytime i will admit that i have been hurting him. But when he has hurt me slowly, does he know? Does he even noticed? He says i'm wallowing in self pity and all i know is to cry. OF cos all i know to do is to cry. I have not much of an outlet,do i? I can't tell my friends all my problems, i can't tell my parents problems about us ( i know my parents doesn't like him as much as i know that his parents doesn't like me.) I have shed so much tears for him and he doesn't know it. I dare to admit that much of it is my fault, but he isn't faultless as he is. I am not asking for the finacial security. All i want is that emotional security, the thought of being able to go head with my dreams and aspirations and not worry that i will lose him to any hot bodied, long legged, small waisted woman. The thought of knowing that he's all mine and i don't have to fight anyone off for him and the fact the i am his one and only in many aspects.

The thought of him sharing the bed with another woman doesn't give me the comfort to go ahead and not worry. I'm stuck at square one and he says it's my fault. he doens't know that he partially has a part in that too? I admit, i'm childish, i admit i am in my own world, i admit that i am overly paranoid. I have lost so much before, i never loved anyone as much as i loved him, why shouldn't i be scared, why shouldn't i try to make sure that he is really mine? I may have put in alot in this relationship and i guess to him it is never enough. so i give more, but the more i give, the more harder this relationship becomes, the more problems we face.

He is a practical person, i am an emotional person. I feel for everyone, i feel about everything, I Fear most of the time. I fear alot. I fear of losing him, I fear that there is someone out there better than me and he would want her and not me. I fear that if i let him go, he wouldn't come back to me at all. I Fear to losing everything, I Fear and no matter where i try to find comfort, at the back of my head, there is always this fear. I fear losing so much time with him as I have lost quite alot of time with him as he left for London. I hardly want to question his whereabouts and his activities, but as i absorb all that he is telling me, How not to fear, how not to question. I don't know what to do. All i know what to do now is cry and in crying i still haven't found my comfort. In my tears, my fears and pain has not even subsided....