I have no regrets of what I just did today and It wasn't an Impusive move. (maybe It was, but it isn't.) I've thought about it.. and remember I did say I did want to get a tattoo.... well i did... i got it done and I have really nothing much to say.





It's a very abstract design and it's the chinese word "Jade". Jade: for one to owe it and for it to be beautiful, one must have an infinity with it. It's just like me, If one can accept me, love me and be with me, they must have chemsitry, understanding and special bond with me. Then I shall be at my very best with them and put in my very best. It's a reminder to me, to put in my best for one with a bond with me, a chemistry with me, and love for me. You know who I am talking about and I won't give up trying. (James, if you are reading this, This is my reminder, this part of my life, I will not fail and I will not make another mistake.I have no regrets and my mind is set on only one thing) So LOL i don't know, everyone say it hurts, but I didn't feel that much pain. I didn't flinch, I didn't even cringe. My Pet Goldfish was like "You look so calm." Then I placed her hand over my chest and my heart was beating wildly, but my face was calm and serene. I guess my emotional pain has over taken my physical pain that I didn't feel it. I still do love him with everything I have and I have not regretted doing so. Wait for me, I shall prove my worth to myself... and to all...Numb, Focused and Detatched.

Okie.. Ever had a song that bring images in your mind? I had some moments like this, but the most ulitmate song I have ever heard was Chocolate by Kylie Minogue. It's beat is so sexy, the husky airy voice she used to sing it was oooooo and the lyrics is so hot.. I mean here's the Lyrics..

"
Artist: Kylie Minogue
Album: Chocolate
Title: Chocolate


Fragile seams
I opened up too quick and all my dreams
Were walking out
I'd slowly lost my fire
With every single man a river cried

I had no sensation
Completely numb, left with no satisfaction
I thought no-one could ever get me high again
I swear, I was not looking

Oh, waited so long
I thought the real thing was a fake
I thought it was a tool to break me down
You proved me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me
In a placeless place would find me
In a heart shape come around me and then
Melt me slowly down
If it were human it would know me
In a lost space come and show me
hold me and control me and then
Melt me slowly down
Like chocolate

Tastes so good my hearts been mended
who'd have thought it would
An empty bet and still I won the cash
And man who i love and loves me back

Oh, waited so long
for love to heal me so i would feel it
thought it wasn't breathing when you came
You proved me wrong again

Like chocolate come here
Zoom in, catch the smile
There's no doubt it's from you
And I'm addicted to it now

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go

Just one look boy to melt me down
Just one heart to save me now
Your candy kisses are sweet I know
Hold me tight baby don't let go"

It's so sexy.. Imagine doing it while in the background.. in a smoky dark room, over satin sheets, Sweat, breathing and the union. It would be that slow sensual kind of consumating of passion. The line "I had no sensation Completely numb, left with no satisfaction I thought no-one could ever get me high again I swear, I was not looking" You don't go looking for it. It just happens, you would never expect anyone to leave you with intense feeling of pure ecstacy or passion. It's just like me, meeting Roadster, the intensity of our passion, fumed by pure animalistic attraction to each other. No one can bring me to the stage like he can. I tried and tested. When he touch me and when he kisses me, the pure driven attraction. The feeling goes though my body like molten lava, It climbs and escalate. (Jaded Mistress: "Trying to keep it clean okie?" Readers: "OO but it was getting good.. must u?" *Jaded Mistress thinks for a while and nods :"yes must!")
I mean I am open with sexuality and open about how I like it and all, but a variety is a great must.. when can I have one more moment? I'm deprived and I lack attention and affection.. OH what to do..?

Break Up, Left shattered, numb and somewhat relieved, but do I really feel all that? I seriously don't know where to put my heart in this. I love him so much and yet this happens. Day 6 of the break up. I went through denial, anger, hurt, numb and dispair and now I guess the hardest thing is not to fall into depression. My friends are all proud of me, as now I didn't break down totally, crying like a pathetic baby, and wallowing in self pity. Yes I have become strong, but by what reason? I questions myself, have I gotten too numb? Was I really uncontented with the relationship? Could I just be telling myself fairy tales that it's gonna be perfect and Love can conquer everything? I remember him telling me that Love is unconditional, that it can conquer magnitudes of sins, but has it? I really doubt my ability to love myself, or maybe I can't love him the way he deserves it? But then again, has all this been justified.

Listening to strains of Def Leppard's When Love and Hate Collides, only one verse hits me the most and I can almost cry.

"I don't wanna fight no more, I don't know what we're fighting for
When we treat each other baby, like an act of war
I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise
When the truth is like a stranger, hits you right between the eyes

There's a time and a place and a reason
And I know I got a love to believe in
All I know got to win this time"

I could tell a million lies and it would come as no surprise. Yes I lied to him about my expenditure, but reasons I believe to be justifiable doesn't seems to be true anymore. I didn't want him to worry about me, I don't want him to wonder if I have enough, If I can survive, If I can take care of myself. The last thing I want him to do is worry, but i don't think he agrees with me. "There's a time and a place and a reason, and I know I got a love to believe in, All I know got to win this time." I gotta win, I never liked to lose and yet, it seems that I have lost so far. I don't want to lose him, not after how much we went through, how much of my life he has become, how much of a future he is with me. I can imagine myself waking up to him, being with him, working hard together.. Only problem is, I am not working hard enough? That I am not committed in this relationship as he is? Submission, I must be forced into Submission, to concede to him, to do what is required of me, without questions. But am I like that? Am I able to submit all my life? Do I tolerate? Do I give in all because of Love?

It's hard for me to love again. It's hard for me to actually feel for another person. But will he love another besides me? I only want him. I seriously only want him.. Call it an obession, call it a crazy insane Obession, but Yes I want and Love only him.. I can go on without him, pretending that I really do not care or I am not hurt. But deep inside, I know... I am shattered, and broken.. But I must go on, I must draw strength from within myself, to become a better person, not for myself, but for Us.. he needs me to be strong, and determined, He needs me to stay focus on our goal.. He needs me... but I have hurt him.. will he still need me? Will he still want me after I changed? Is he willing to accept me, when I am uncertain that he has accepted me for what I am?

"No more talk of darkness.
Forget these wide-eyed fears.
I'm here, nothing can harm you.
My words will warm and calm you.
Let me be your freedom.
Let daylight dry your tears.
I'm here, with you, beside you,
To guard you and to guide you.

Say you love me every waking moment.
Turn my head with talk of summertime.
Say you need me with you now and always.
Promise me that all you say is true.
That's all, I ask of you.

Let me be your shelter.
Let me be your light.
You're safe, no one will find you.
Your fears are far behind you.

All I want is freedom,
A world with no more night.
And you always beside me,
To hold me and to hide me.

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.
Let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you want me with you here beside you.
Anywhere you go, let me go too.
That's all I ask of you.

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime.

Say the word and I will follow you.
Share each day with me, each night, each morning.

Say you love me?

You know I do.

Love me, that's all I ask of you.
Love me, that's all I ask of you."
(All I ask of you. "Phantom of the Opera")

"All I want is freedom, A world with no more night, and you always beside me, to hold me and to hide me." I don't want the dispair, I don't want the hurt, all I want is him beside me, to hold me, comfort me and want me.. me.. only me.. just me...