Chinese new year... a time of gathering, a time of reunion, a time where people get together and celebrate with family. My family came over for the new year and I had my whole family with me.. but yet, I felt that something is missing.. and I know deep down inside me, It is going to continue feeling empty. He's missing... Sigh.. I don't get it.. Everytime the festive season come about, everytime where I have to spend time with my family, I will always feel this hallow empty feeling.. It's like even though my family is with me, there is still that something missing.. and I know what it is.. It's him.. Now I realise how empty I feel without him.. He has already been a part of me, and even though He and I aren't together anymore, I still feel that he is still a part of me. I realise that and I am not sure of what I can do at this moment.



I had a talk with him yesterday, a short talk. He said he needs someone there to keep him mentally strong, (as if he isn't strong enough), but what surprises me is that he admits that he doesn't feel as mentally strong as he should. Even though he is focused, even though he is working hard, he doesn't feel mentally strong. He tells me that he knows I am with him, even though I am not there, BUT he still needs someone there. I cannot let him lose focus now. I seriously cannot let him lose focus at all. The worst thing of all, is that I am scared, if he finds someone else there, that's the end for me. Cos I know I can be easily replaced. I know that if the more time is spent with another girl, he will fall for her. And if that happens, I seriously do not know what is it that I am fighting for anymore. Yes, it's for myself that I should fight for, but this is for my happiness, this is for my future, this is my life partner i am fighting to keep, because I know and I feel that He is someone whom I can make my life partner and I can live with. I mean, I don't think anyone can know me so well, or can stand me, at the same time, make me feel like I am pampered. (cos I ain't an easy person to love, I am direct, straight forward, sarcastic and stubborn, too headstrong and too emotional.) I really do wonder who can stand me, cos I don't take to lightly to many things. Maybe because I still can't let him go, maybe because I put every guy at arms length, thinking that every guy has a motive, and they are all superficial, looking for a free screw, thinking that a girl who broke up with a boyfriend, who is fat and not too pretty is an easy lay, for a free screw.

Come on man, I know I ain't a babe, but I don't think I deserve that, neither am I a weak minded, materialistic, fat slut that is easily lured by money, car and whatever guys can offer. You guys think that can jump start my temper by saying "Well, you should look in the mirror yourself, you fat pig, you ugly cow." (Little Jade Queen Laugh maliciously) Let me tell you something, I have looked in the mirror, and let me tell you guys something, I look in the mirror and I liked what I see, I look in the mirror, I tell myself and I know that I should deserve the best, which most of the guys can't even offer. So If the trick is to get the girl into bed, and after that it's down hill for her. Well, it's wrong mister! not for me.. cos I can jolly well, get up and go and say bye to u, cos I have nothing to lose now.. Cos I've already Lost everything, but not my love for myself and my pride in myself. Call it cocky, call it arrogant, call it what you want, but I know what I need in life, and what I want. and I'll do anything to get it.

But my only fear is that I'll be too late reaching the finish line, cos he might not wait for me that long, and it is the truth that I am replaceable at any moment, whenever he so chooses.

"Artist: Ryan Cabrera
Album: Take It All Away
Title: True


I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think
I don't look
But deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you

I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

You don't know
What you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
It's time to try, anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true "

It is true, I've waited for you all my life and I'm willing to try and do anything just to be with you.... don't leave me.........

Hey being single isn't that bad... it's all cool and all.. i got my new job to concentrate on, making money that way i know how, i still got my family and my friends. I still got care and concern from most of the people closest to me....... all except one.... Sigh who am I kidding.. I miss him like countless times a day and I miss him constantly.... Well he and I are still talking.. at least we are doing that now, but then again... It isn't the same. I'm still pretty much in denial about everything, but at least I am focused on what I have to do.

One: I have to work hard at my new job. Two Save as much as I can. Three Earn my 15K within 2 yrs and extra. LAST Achieve what I want and be who I want to be with.

I am moving on, but with him still embedded in my heart. I can never let go the feeling I have for him. I don't think I can ever let go. *Sigh* I told him straight, I wanted to open a joint account with him. I told him that I wanted to build the trust between us again. I told him that I wanted another chance to make this work, and all he said was, "Why must we do everything now? Can't we see how things goes?" Maybe he's not ready, Maybe he is just saying stuff like wanting to be with me, hoping that I'll spend the rest of our lives together, maybe he doesn't know what he wants. But he told me that he wants to settle down, but I wasn't ready. Now I am..... I'm doing what I have to do.. I'm doing it all for OUR sake.. for US.. but where is he now? *shakes head* I'm confused.. very confused and yet very sadden. I can't talk to him anymore, I don't understand him anymore... I don't know where I am headed for, but I know is that I have to work hard... and Work extremely hard to get back what I want.. and That is him. Foolish huh? A foolish fool in love with someone who might not be the one for her....I don't know him anymore.. I guess it's the distance.. I guess it's the time apart.. I guess it's the different environment that changes all of us... the both of us and the relationship... I'm really scared to admit it, but I am afraid I am losing him, faster than I can grasped....Sheesh... i'm really into this depression and I can't tell him how i feel.. cos he will just ignore me.. i mean.. do i really deserve this? All I ask is just for one chance... one more chance....


"How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
Oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds
And that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
But to wait for you is
All I can do
And that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now
'Cause l'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
That's the chance I've qot to take

Take a look at me now"