Have you ever read back the posts from your blog from years ago? I recently did and I read the very first blog posting I have written in 2004. The Little Jade Queen has progressed in more ways than one. The "Temptress", The "Confused Soul", My Femme, The Innocence and The Roadster. All have made me grow in a way that I can never regret ever meeting them. The one that has changed me the most is not really The Roadster. It's apparently the appreance of The "Temptress" and The "Confused Soul". If I had to admit to myself, I can honestly say that they did make a difference and made me realise the depth of the relationship between The Roadster and Myself. Looking back 5 years ago, it was hard for me to realised what kind of situation I was really in when I was involved with them but now I had the chance to step out of it.. I realised that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't as brave and gutsy as I thought I was. Maybe I wasn't that callous and unaffected by anything. That I was not indestructable. I guess there was some degree of hurt and betrayal, but somehow I managed to get through it.. and yet survive. I mean, I do think about the times spent, what we did from time to time, but I also do wonder, how was it possible to be betrayed by two people whom I really do feel alot for.

They said an Aries will love with an intensity and with such passion that it would engulf the other party and burn them, but somehow I didn't really think so at that point of time... Did I love The "Confused Soul", I reluctantly admitted I did to myself after 1 and a 1/2 years of trying to deny and to fight anything. Did I love The "Temptress"? I did, but not with the same intensity. I was the "Male" in that relationship and yet I managed to love her with the indifference of the likes of my other exs who showed me indifference, due to my size and my character.. I was behaving as they were, when I myself was a female.. Sigh.. I guess to hide from my own insecurities, I sometimes try too hard not to exhibit.. but then again, the more I try to do so, the more the feeling overflows... I guess I can never stop loving people with that intensity.. which at time cause me to feel hurt that I cannot really describe..

But I am thankful for that event that has happened... If not I would not have met the friends that I have now.. who are willing to stand by me and be with me through thick or thin, no matter the distance. It really makes me grateful for that.. It also make me feel grateful for finally deciding and stick to being with The Roadster... he changed me as well and taught me to love myself. I see us day by day.. the love and respect growing.. It's hard to believe that he himself has changed as well.. He seems a lot more wiser and not as fool hardy and hot tempered at he was before... I guess that's what we call being familar with each other, being use to each other's presence and We won't know if we made the right decision till we are at our death beds...

I don't think the Little Jade Queen then and the Little Jade Queen now is different.. and yet they are not really the same.. aren't they?....

Have you ever reached a point in your life whereby you know you are thinking about something, but you don't know what you are thinking about? I think I have already reached that part of my life. Apparently, after I got back from the pub, I went to the kitchen to prepare my breakfast of oats and strawberries which was conviently located in a cupboard overhead. As I was preparing my breakfast, I kind of dropped my Ipod on the floor and picked it up. I can't remember why I didn't remember that I have left the cupboard opened, but I stood up and walked straight into it. Hitting me square on the forehead. I have noticed that I have been doing that rather recently, for example, while I was ironing. I wasn't really distracted by something, but your mind just went blank for a moment and you just went ahead with the motions of doing things, but not really thinking about what you are doing. Well, number of countless injuries have appeared from these miniture blank moments and I really don't understand where did they come from.

One explaination is that I am too bored and I have been worried about my visa, which hasn't appeared in the last 2 months. I really do wonder if I am going to get it I obviously wouldn't want to end up as a statistic in the bloody database of the UK Immigration, whereby I would "Overstay" my stay, and it would not be entirely my fault. I don't understand why it would take soo long, and furthermore, I am not one of those other immigrants to have come here using other methods. I don't really understand when you don't claim benefits, pay tax while you work and then pay through your bloody teeth for every bloody documents to secure your stay, that It woudl take sooooo bloooooddddyyyy long just to get it approved. I mean I can understand that there are millions of people trying to stay in this country, but how many of them are genuine cases like mine.

Recently, I have been into amirugumi, which is the art of crocheting animals, toys which averages from 3 inches to 6 inches and stuffed with toy stuffing for a cute kid's toy or decorations. I spent a full 5 hours on just one octopus, which I am very proud of, but yet my satin stitch is something that needs to be greatly approved. The Roadster has been proud of me and have been very supportive of me for everything I do. But it's been rather werid lately. I've been getting letargic and then further to that, I've been having weird dreams, for example like last night. I dreamt that we were asleep in bed. He was in the position nearest to the wall, I was in the middle of the bed and right next to me nearest to the outside of the bed was a baby.. NOW That's what I call weird.. So I really think that there is something wrong with me.. and I can't really decipher what it is.. and Please don't tell me that it's my biological clock telling me to have children, cos I don't think I am really ready for it...

I really should be getting back to my novels and I really think I should start on them again, but how do u follow up on something when you have been brain dead...

BLASTED... Even my blog posting doesn't make sense anymore.. Cos I am talking random crap!!!