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The Blogger

The one who loves Katsumi Yui, The Jaded Princess. Timeless as the Seasons The Dominent Fire Sign I Belong to the Night Clans I record down the lives of the Mistress of the Night
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Monday, April 15, 2013 // 4/15/2013 07:17:00 PM
What do I want to be?

After last night's bout with a minor depression, I have come to think about my life again. It's been a long time since I reflected and I began to question myself. If I have lost myself, where have I gone? I have always been here all the time, and yet my self worth and being has been questioned. 

Here I am now, writing this, my baby in my sling, fast asleep close to my heart, I do wonder how different am I from the Little Jade Queen of the past. Sure, I have gone on and married The Roadster after a long hard battle to be together and stay together. Sure, People have come and gone in my life and Sure I have made progress, but at the back of my head, there is always something I feel lacking in myself. My confidence and my self worth is not what it seems anymore.

Gone are the days where I go against the current, do things on a whim and a fancy. Gone are the days where I test the boundaries. Gone are the times where I challenge the so called "Norms". The question now to me is.... Where have they gone? 

Here is the thing. I use to be able to brush it off when people commented on me being fat and ugly. I believe in myself and I believe that the world is there for the taking. I guess deep inside I still do believe that. But now I throw caution to the wind as there are much more things for me to protect now, rather than self. It's not that I do not want to be associated being fat. I am going to be fat, no question about it as I have never been thin anyway. But is it a crime? Since when did being fat is a crime? Now there is "fat", "overweight", "Obese" and "Morbidly Obese". I am between the "Fat" and "Overweight" range. I have only gained 10kg when I fell pregnant and I have lost 5kg since then. Now the hard struggle I have always had over the years and my youth with regards to my weight have always been protected by my sheer independence that I do not and will not depend on a man to give me the things I want. I find myself becoming weak and dependent on the Roadster. Plus after falling pregnant and giving birth, my hard steel control of my emotions has been overruled by my now over worked emotions, due to the lack of sleep half the time and the uncontrollable serge of hormones. 

To put it simply, I commented about someone having a gastric band and consuming large quantities of food a total waste as the person spent so much money on the gastric band to help them lose weight and yet they are shoveling down large quantities of food down their throat. So comment was thrown at me that "WE, Fat people" should just eat smaller portions of food- From the so called health Guru. This comment have actually reduced me to tears which on normal circumstances would have just made me laugh out loud at the sheer tactlessness, insensitive shallow outlook of the person's life. A person who wishes to "empower" people for the betterment of themselves and preaches the sophistication of class, yet made such a thoughtless comment on something as shallow as appearances. 

Since when being size 14 is a crime? Since when that It is the Norm to be a size Zero, or minimally a size 8? People question why there are so many cases of children as young as 10, 11 having eating disorders. Why are there an increase of young teenagers killing themselves because of bullying? Yes, I grew up with name calling. Yes, I grew up when people don't accept me cos I am don't fit in with the "in" crowd. Yes, I grew up when boys rejected me cos I am fat. But by sheer defiance, I grew stronger, more confident and more arrogant as it goes by as I made myself who I am and I gave myself the confidence and I had to fight to get everything I want in my life. 

I sit here now and ask....... Who do I want to be? The Little Jade Queen of the past, who shows no fear or me now?



Thru the ages of time I travel,
Seeking for my comfort, my solice,
For I am the Demon's Bride,
The forbidden Love of the Dark Lord,
Aikiko Rei.



Lost

Nine years ago, some one commented on my blog that he or she wondered how a fat and ugly girl like me can be so full of arrogance and confidence... And nine years ago, I have the confidence and the cockiness to say up yours cos I am proud of who I am and what I am and people like you can just crawl back into your little hole and take a good look at yourselves as you ain't better than me.. Over the years, I have wondered what went wrong. Where have that confidence and sass gone? I am no longer confident, I am no longer arrogant.. I am no longer Stacy, or The Little Jade Queen anymore... I have become lost and I have lost my being...

To tell you the truth, I have lost one half of me and my pillar of support.. The one person who always told me that I was wonderful and brave and the greatest Becos I am.. I soon realised that he is the one that made me who I am... No it's not the Roadster... But my dad.. My rock.. After he left me, I am lost.. There is no one to affirm me.. No one to tell me bugger to all and to all the finger you will give as they didn't made you.. You are the one who made yourself... So what you are fat? But you are beautiful.. Inside and out..

I am now a mother, I have a little precious bundle which I have to be careful what I tell her, what I say to her and what I teach.. I have fought through sleepless nights, periods of helplessness, periods of depression and periods of wanting to give up on my own... Only to be faced with people in my life who makes me question my self worth.. Making me feel like I am an idiot, that I am not capable and being fat is a crime... Does it make them better than me?

I have had my confidence squashed.. Does it make them feel so big and great to kick me when I am down?? My mother taught me respect.. My mother taught me manners that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.. When you feel neglected, unappreciated and taken for a fool, I will prove to them that not one of them deserve anything from me, when I made it.. Whatever progress is made, it's down to my own determination and effort... I have done this alone with my parents support and I won't need them....


-Aikiko Rei



Thru the ages of time I travel,
Seeking for my comfort, my solice,
For I am the Demon's Bride,
The forbidden Love of the Dark Lord,
Aikiko Rei.