I sometime wonder, when I live the life I live and do the kind of job I do, I get some inspiration to write my novels. But sometimes I wonder if my novels are a reflection of the life and the person I wish to have been or could have been.. I mean, for those who have read the things I have written in the past or when i re-read the things I have written in my younger days, such as The Fifth gear, The Devil's Addiction (my Sesshomaru fanfiction) and Forbidden, I realised that all my main female characters are a reflection of my inner self.. Like The Jaded One in The Fifth Gear, Reijin in The Devil's Addiction and Aikiko Rei in Forbidden, all of them are head strong, strong willed, resillient and determined women who will not let anything or anyone stand in their way of getting what they desire.. They are never pushovers, even though they have internal turmoils and suffering that they have constant conflict with and battle with themselves to resolve it..

In The Fifth Gear, The Jaded One has to deal with a man, Scud, from her past whom she has a love hate relationship with and who still, even though she is married to The Demon, has a certain hold over her.. Scud is her emotional baggage that she has to deal with at the risk of her marriage.. Her character sometimes reflects mine as at times, out of the blue, I suddenly think of past relationships and wonder what would have happened if I had given up what I had with The Roadster for something that I could have made work.. Yet The Jaded One, is one hell of a woman to deal with.. Independent, wilful and one who has a reckless streak that even her husband give her the respect of his equal to be able to handle situations to her best ability and know she will not back down from a challenge, even though how the odds are stacked up against her..

In The Devil's Addiction, Reijin is similar, yet she has a calm demeanour and quietly yet subtly makes an impact. She has a powerful and yet calming aura about her and her mate quietly admire her for her ability to be at one with herself..

Then there is Aikiko Rei. Young enterprising and acomplished and a mix of The Jaded One and Reijin.. Facing living up to expectations and her duty, she is looked upon as an equal in a man's world...

Looking at all these characters, who are suppose to be a reflection of the real me, i realised that I am no where near as them.. In fact, I am poles apart from them.. Look at me, I am un-empowered both in marriage and at work.. My husband at times do not take my opinions into consideration and doesn't respect my views at times.. My father in law talks down to me, thinking i am not of the proper education and background as he expects and tries to force me to live up to his expectations instead of me living up to what I expect my life to be.. When he himself can't live up to them.. I am not respected at work and is being bullied by everyone, when I work the hardest and to the best ability I can... Emotionally I am not as strong as them, neither mentally as well.. Where was the determined and gungho girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind?? Where is the one who dug in her heels to stick to what she believed in? The one who isn't afraid of what people think of her and is confident in everything she does? Where in the hell along these two years did I turn into a submissive woman when I use to be a feminist?? Have I become "cockpecked"??? I don't even recognise myself anymore and i don't even know who I am anymore... Can someone tell me and help me?? Sigh.... I feel lost.....

-Aikiko Rei

Location:Links Side,Enfield,United Kingdom