The Little Jade Queen looks out of her window and starts to wonder if the Roadster and her didn't survive the distance and in the end, his past came and taken him away from her. What would have happened?

I understand that it's all in the past, but I still do wonder... Does she still have that place in his heart or have I taken over it? I guess the answer won't be known until it has been asked and even so, I wonder if I would be satisfied with the answer he gives me. I remember in 2004, we had a major argument and it's been after I have come here to visit him. The Roadster and her are still in contact and I believe that if she wasn't with her bf at that time, she would still stand a chance in his life.. but I do wonder if now, would it be the same?

Recently, she messaged him on MSN and when I asked who it was, he said it was just a friend and turned the computer away. I asked a second time and he got a bit irritated and told me again that it was just a friend. At that moment, I knew it was her. I still don't understand why at this stage he can't tell me that he is still talking to her. Has he got something to hide? Is she still that important to him? I mean we are making our wedding plans, but am I willing to believe that she is non-existant in his life? I don't really know.. I am still unsure about things, especially about her... Why does she have to message him out of the blue when she hasn't been contacting him for such a long time? I have been very clear with regards to my exs and I have no hesitation to tell him that I am talking to my exs, but I am very clear with regards to my friendship with them. Why does she make me fear and doubt him? Why do I still feel that I am unable to replace her, even though I have went through thick and thin with him? I mean I don't expect him to erase her from his life, but I wish it would have been more clear cut about it. I mean once a woman begins to doubt, I mean, what possiblities does it have to cause her to go into a massive frenzy of worry, doubt and even being suspicious? When I ask him certain questions, he doesn't give me a clear answer and I can never be sure about things, especially regarding her. Even though there was another incident with another girl before 2004, It was very clear cut with regards to his feelings with that girl, but her?? I am not too sure..

I guess Ridzwan was right... I portray myself to be a confident person, sure of holding my man's heart, but yet it is just a facade as I am actually a needy person, who cling on to something that I think I should deserve. Sigh... I am really a selfish person, who expects things to be returned as I have sacrificed so much and put in so much. I guess I am a person who expects my other half to return equally if not much more than I have put in, yet.. am I getting what I truly think I am suppose to get? I find it very surprising that at this stage of the relationship, I am still having these thoughts and I am still doubting about my place in his heart. If there ever come a day whereby we do not work out, and she just happens to come back into his life, will everything that has been laid down for the past seven years go to waste and she just comes in and picks up the pieces just like I have when she left him seven years ago?

I will never forget that tears he shed because of her.. even if their relationship was just a short lived 8 months.. sometimes I wonder could those 8 months be even more precious than our 7 years together? Could she take him away from him, if she really wanted? I wonder if this is a stance of a woman who is so confident that she will always remain important to a man and knows that no matter what, he won't be able to replace her in his heart, even though he has someone else? Or is it just sheer cockiness that she can come in and out of his life as and when she wants, just by leaving him a message to see how he is and tries to get that assurance that she is still important to him? If it comes a day that that happens, will I be able to stand up to it and say to her, "You had your chance, you hurt him and left me to pick up the pieces and mend his heart. What right do you have to come into our relationship now and ruin everything that I have worked hard for... for him to love me, for him to accept me, for him to decide that I am the one who will never leave him in rich, in poor, in sickness, in health, for better or worst? What makes you so sure that you are still there in his life? You have done nothing but cause him hurt, and pain, made him shed wasted tears on you as you have left him. Do you think you are still worth such respect and admiration from him?"

But then again, will I really be able to take that stance of a woman defending to keep what she believes that it is hers? Or will I just walk away to lick my wounds? I really do wonder if this is worth thinking about... or maybe it's just me being scared to lose everything? Only he can give me that answer, but I wonder if he will be able to tell me with deep honesty of it..