Well Well, It's time to start deciding what is going to happen in the next couple of months. The end of the financial year is coming to a close and well I'm going to be 2 yrs old in the agency come the 1st of Feb 2007. I guess I have hit a rut and well, things doesn't seems to be getting good. There are few reasons why the change in the dynamics in the agency seems rather drastic and well, emotions have been strained.

1) Cheryl is leaving at the end of the month to start another chapter in her career in AIA, the main company, the mothership and not working for a tiny speck in the agency force.

2) The eventual forming of SP-StanleyOng-Win, where by 5-6 of the agents are leaving and their Sales Secretay, June is leaving.

3) The departure of many of my dear friends, fellow collegues over the past year, Ailing, Kelvin Khoo, WanJun, Pong and Melvin, just to name a few

4) The drastic change in the relationship with my bosses... Actually one of my bosses.

Due the following reasons above, it's been rather draining on my part and I understand the pressure of shouldering the rest of the agency's admin on my part. As I am the "Lao Jiao" or "Old Bird" in the agency. The weight of making sure that the agency is runned properly is on my weary shoulders. I only wish someone would try to understand my position whereby my boss hates me and is waiting for the oppotunity to make me a scape goat, I'm looked upon as useless and yet indespensible due to the certain amount of knowledge I have. I don't have anyone to support or to help me maintain any form of conscience realisation of where I stand in the agency and it's hard for all the rest of the admin staff to understand.

In the last 3 months, I have been pushing and trying my best to keep myself sane as well as trying to boost my own morale to do my best at my job, but it hasn't been easy. Twice I had emotional break down and the last one was pretty major and worst of all I started crying in the office. I agreed that I should have maintained my cool in the office and not let anyone see me at a very fragile moment in my life, But it's really hard to hold it all in, especially I know that one of my bosses is intent on getting rid of me and my other is trying his best to remain as a manager as he is. As his Unit Secretary, I do not want to add pressure to him and I do not want to question where I stand now and what are my chances of remaining. However hopes have been dashed and the will to remain strong has been taken apart in an instant. One of my boss has intended to replace me with Perlin and even though I sort of expected it, I still was unable to take the blow. I do not blame Perlin, and I have never pushed the blame to anyone. However, Do I have to carry this with the realisation that maybe I am not good enough? Have I not done enough and haven't I put in my best?

I love my job, and even though I am underpaid, compared to many of my other friends in the same kind of postion, I still stayed on. My loyalty to my bosses, my friends, my collegues has always been there. My responsibility to my bosses, my collegues and to anyone who comes in has always been there. There are times whereby I question myself why I do so much at times and yet not demand, But I know deep in my heart, I know what kind of a person I am. I am steadfast and loyal as that is what I am. My passion towards something I enjoy doing is a constant reminder.

Unfortunately, realisation sets in, and It's really time to move on. It's really hard to pretend anymore that I am happy and pretend that everything is going to be alright. Because I know things are not going to be alright, once Cheryl leave and when I finally managed to pass down the skills that I have learnt during this course of 2 years, I will be removed from the organisation. Plans have already been made as I have been deemed unimportant, and useless. However, I learnt not to push the blame to anyone else or to blame other people for my faults, unlike my one of my boss, But I have learnt to be understanding and generous and not to judge one person by a single event.

Thank you to my original boss who has been always been there constantly reminding me and nurturing me, despite my faults, and to Wendy, June, Perlin and Cheryl for making sure I remain determined and strong, and to continue to work towards something better.