Oh Well, I'm single and I finally grasped it within myself to believe it. It's been almost a month and hey I guess I'm doing quite fine. I sat down one day and started thinking about my life and Where it is heading. (Believe me, it ain't a pretty picture. Being at home for the past few days really has taken it's toil on someone.) I am really grateful for a handful of people who still have faith in me, i.e: My family, my ex and a few of my closest friends. I really should start thinking for myself now and I guess it's beginning. I already have set on my goals in life and I told my ex that I'll be back for him after 2 years. (Yes, I still love him. And yes, I still think he's the one I want.)

I need to get pretty much organised and focus with my life now. Firstly I need to pick myself up and get straight down to clearing my shit load of stuff that I have been putting on hold. Then there is my saving part. I need to save as much as I can and I have given myself 2 years. So Good bye to the life I have been use to.. cos It's time to scrimp, save and be stingy. I can't pamper myself for the next 2 to 3 years if I were to get myself out of this. Secondly, Ashley and I had a long talk, and she decided that she wants to get out the country, to expand her horizon and grow and she accepted my offer to go to the UK with me. So I told her 2 year, we give ourselves 2 years to save as much and to scrimp as much, so that we can go over. My estimated budget is around 10-15K, if I can get that much. Thirdly, I do want to settle down. and hey, I still only want one guy... Yes, that's right. That Guy, My Roadster. I don't know why, I still want him.. and I guess I think that he's really the one for me.. Hopefully, we will be together, and I really hope that it turns out alright between the both of us. I don't think I can find another man like him, who really is out to think for the both of us and a life for the both of us. Sure his methods are a bit not to my liking, but I am adaptable and besides, I have tolerated him for so long, why not. By 26, I hope to see something with my life. and I have to work on it. I only hope he will wait for me, cos If he really walks out of my life, it's really going to be a big blow to me.

Sigh.. I just want him.. A bit crazy now about him, cos I Still do love him.... =3

So life begins and I have yet to think about you. I wonder is it that the feelings we have harboured, we thought, we felt, we consumated is lost due to the distance. Or is it that the hype has died down already due to the distance? We both have similiar feelings. As humans, we need the direct contact, the everyday touch, the everyday smiles and display of affection to keep the relationship alive. I guess that's why we have failed, but have we really failed? I do wonder is it because I was in a state of unsettled that you walked away, unable to handle me, unable to control everything that you wish to control and that's why you walked away from me. Am I that hard to handle? Am I that difficult to love? If I am not, why did you walk away from me, without giving me any answers to the questions you have left me?

I was talking to my parents about us, and I realised I still defended you, still found reasons to defend our relationship. Everything is done for a reason, and life's challenges are for us to face, either together or away from each other. I wonder how far our hearts met in this relationship. Is it entirely my fault, or has someone else dealt us an heavy blow? I've listen, I've taken heed, I've loved and gave everything. Sometime I wonder who is the supressor or opressor in our relationship. I still feel every bit as much for you as I always have, but Do you? I do wonder where am I again, at this cross roads, but you do not want to talk, or question. You just want to walk away, thinking that I have to do this alone. I guess I have been alone all this while. No compassion have you showed me, no heartfelt emotions can be emitted from you. So where are you now, my one true love, my once beloved whom I still love with my heart and my soul? Has the material needs of life over taken all the love, emotions and support I have given to you? Every guy that walks in my life has taken me as a game, a toy? Have you ever thought of me so? A little pawn in your little game in life? Thinking that you can leave me weak and shattered?

Do you really think you have gotten the better of me or doe you think that the battle has just begun? Who can ever love the Jaded Mistress, the Little Jaded one, who have become so much more jaded, so much more detached from her heart, So much more ruthless with her dealings with feeble minded men? Have you not known that I allowed myself to be tamed by you? Allowed myself to be the weaker sex, the submissive slave of the relationship? Have you never treated me as an equal, as a companion, rather than just someone who will submit and do your will? If you dare, come talk to me, explain to me, sort this out with me. If not, you have fail not me, but yourself, as you have promised yourself and lied to yourself about us, about these three years of heartfelt struggle to be together.. Am I really the one for you? I wish to think so and I am working so, but how far are you going to bridge the emotional hurt you have inflicted upon me? How much more pain must you draw out of my heart?