I'm at the moment, in my darkest, lowest moments. Now I realise that I am truly alone and that I have to get myself out of this myself. I cannot depend on love, I cannot depend on luck. The only thing I can depend on is myself. I am accused of a crime that I did not commit and forced to admit guilt, even if I didn't do it. I lost alot of things recently. I lost the love of my life, My one and only, someone whom I thought can pull through the times of good and hardship together, I have been terminated from my job, in which I gave everything and love so dearly. I have been wrongly accused and I am have already changed so much for the better. I guess I am paying for my past mistakes and the Karma has caught up with me. I've lost everything dear to me. I am starting to lose faith in myself and I am trying to grasp how these things came about. No one wants to give me a chance, No one wants to believe me now, now that I have been honest and changed. How am I suppose to pull through this? My parents tell me to Focus on things that I have to do, and my ex told me the same. I have no support but myself. I can trust no one, but myself. I only have myself to comfort.

I am very disheartened by my ex, one whom I love with my very existance. I remember the time when he was facing his court trail. I was there, I have never forsaken him no matter how disheartened, how afraid, how alone he is. And yet, at my own time of need, he has forsaken me. He has left me, in tears, in pain, in sorrow, in loneliness. He's become harsh, cold and distant from me and yet I do not blame him, neither do I hate him? Is that what I have become? Is this what I have to face alone? Walking in this dark lonely path of my life? I know I have to be strong, I need a reason to fight for, even if it is for myself. All I want is him there, Telling that yes I am doing a good job, to comfort me after a long day, someone to come home to fall back on at the end of the day. He has left me so alone and forsaken, at the lowest point of my life, when I have never forsaken him ever.

I am more broken and shattered than I have ever been. I just want to end my life and yet I can't. There is so much more I'm worth. So much more I can be, So much more I wanna do. My life isn't complete. My life isn't ending yet, but I am alone. And I guess I have always been alone. Selflessly giving, never expecting anything back, only hoping for a chance, hoping for someone who can see the true me, to accept me and love me back, with no conditions as I have done. Where is that person in my life? I thought I have found him. I thought I have it all, I thought I could go on, while focusing on what is expected of me? But what is expected of me? Haven't I given my best? Haven't I given my all? Why can't he see? Why can't he feel? The sorrow, the pain, the hurt, the disappointment, my tears, my heart, my silent prayer, my silent weeping? Must I bear all of this? Must I care? Must I? I'm a walking complexity. I scare myself sometimes, I worry myself, I don't even know where to go from here.. alone, and afraid. I have no one.. I never have anyone. Left alone and forsaken by all, I walk this alone. No one to talk to, No one to understand, No one to lean on, No one to catch my tears, to heal my pain, to comfort my silent sorrow... Why have you left me? Why can't You see I need you now, more than I ever have? I have never asked much from you, But why can't I just have you? Why can't you see my pain, my raw emotions, my turmoil, my open wounds, my shattered dreams. I can't blame anyone but myself, but I can't fall into my depression. All I want is him to come back to me, to tell me that everything is going to be fine, becos he is near and he would never leave me, or forsake me, as I have given my promise to him. Cross roads, everyone will reach it one day, and I guess I have walked right into mine? To the left, To the right, or forward, cos I can never go back. I can never go back to where I came from, who I was then. Baby, Why can't you feel my pain? Why can't you see my pain, my tears and my shattered heart? I have bared it all to you and yet You can never forgive me? I forgive you no matter what, and All because I love you... Is love really unconditional from you? Can it really conquer all of my sins? No it hasn't, It isn't true as you have proven it. I am left alone... and it never hurts you to see me like this, You never felt my pain, you never tasted my tears, you Have never felt my shattered heart, calling out to you, wanting you to just be with me, in my moment's of fears and sorrow. Where are you?

I have been contemplating for the past week. I'm stressed, tired, emotionally drained and disheartened by the events that has transpired over this period of time. I do wonder what went wrong and yet, I still seek for answers. Do I love him? Yes. Does he love me? Yes, but why don't I feel it there anymore? Do I need him physically there, or for him to tell me that he loves me, in order for me to feel it? I contemplate upon that. I relished back on the intensity of the power of our attraction to each other, be it emotional, character-wise or physical. There is something there that binds me to him, this strong chain that is shackled to my ankle and my heart to him.

I remember when he was back here in Singapore, the time he surprised me by coming back early from Thailand, moments when he comes to the shop to pick me up from work. Those moments really cheered me up and made me feel so much more for him. His smiles, His cheeky remarks, his hugs and his kisses, all of these compliment my emotions and my bond with him. I remember when he kisses me, his arms around me, body pressed up against mine, with me clinging to him as our lips mated with each others. The lust, the urge, the intensity of the desire to feel more with our hands and our hearts.

I don't think the physical bonding our our bodies were just purely driven by the plain blind lust. There is something underlying beneath it. It's never just sex, the physically exchange of two bodies. I believe that there was love and we were confirming our feelings for each other. I guess it was at those moments, I was made vunerable, when I feel unprotected from emotional harm and fear was more imminent than I have ever felt. He's the puppet master as I am his puppet to manipulate, to do as he please. He's the Chess Master as I am just his pawn in this game we play. Carefully thought out is the path we take through unchartered territory of what is to come and the unknown.I have placed all my faith, my hope, my dreams and my love all on him, and I only hope he will guide me, lead me to something that both of us are looking for.

But he isn't talking to me. I always believe that if I want to change a person, it would always start with myself and I do not have to use force to do so, All I need is patience and sincerity to do so. A person does not see with his eyes, but he sees with his heart. He can feel the emotions and messages from another's heart. I only hope he does feel mine.....