Many Seasons have past,
And yet I am back here,
Journeying through the world,
Seeking to forget you.

As I step into the grounds where you have stood,
The place where you call home,
I look up to the sky and see the clouds floating.
A distant memory lingers dearly in my mind.
I sense your presence near,
Yet I deny you.
Pushing away any emotions attached,
Cloaking my existance on the same grounds.

We walk past each other along the corridor,
Not seeing each other.
A tingle ran down my spine,
As a feeling of nostalgia overwhelmed me.
Is it possible for me to feel this way again?
I look around, seeing with unseen eyes,
Searching for you, and yet not wanting to find you.
Standing from afar, I suddenly sense your presence,
Nearing me, coming closer with every step.
As you were coming closer, I turn and walk away.
Pushing away the rush of emotions.

You called my name out in the corridor,
Knowing that I am near.
I hide in the shadows, not wanting you to find me.
There could have been a chance passing,
Yet I deny you the chance,
As you are unable to track me down.
Torture as it is,
Hearing your heart calling out to mine,
The need to feel me near you.

I see you as you walk in the courtyard,
Going forth with your daily tasks.
As you look up in my direction,
I turn and walk away,
Not allowingyou to see my face, to read my eyes.
Uncried tears stained my shattered heart,
But none shall fall.

I see you walking along the corridor,
As your vacant expression looks ahead,
Undaunted by the past, not even searching for the present.
A familiar brush was felt when I walked past unnoticed,
while deep in your thoughts, the lingering moment.
You turn around and glance,
Only to see a figure walking away in the evening light.
As I sit by my window, watching the raindrops falling from the sky,
A feeling of longing course through my veins.
The calling of my heart calls out,
Yearning to be in your embrace.
The pain of loneliness engulfs me,
As I tried to steady the beating of my heart,
Finding solace in the night sky.

"Why does it have to end this way?"
I hear your voice call out in the sea of memories,
"I am powerless without you."
The voice continued,
While the scenes of the falling leaves of autumn flashed in the twilight.
You stood before me that night,
As I sat by the river side,
Watching the dragonflies make ripples as they kissed the surface.
I turn to look at you,
Saying, as the tears I fight to keep within,

" I have felt the boundless depths of your emotions,
I have sensed the memory less pain that you hide in your soul.
Your painless emotions that you treasure dearly,
Your bondless spirit that you released through your being.
The Immaculate sacrifice you made to keep your condemned and tortured soul.
Never before have I experienced such pleasure and doubts at the same time,
Never before have I tasted the fear of losing my sanity,
Never before have I desired something so forbidden.
How is it possible for this union,
The union of dark and light,
The bond between the cherished and the forgotten?"

As you listen to the words,
Silent tears start to fall from your never changing eyes of blue,
Filled with all the melancholy of the solitude that you lead.
You start to reach out for me,
But I pulled away,
Unable to bear the weight of my heavy heart,
As I continue to fight the weakness in my emotions.
I turn my back to you,
Not wanting to see the sadness and despair in your face.
I felt your arms embracing me,
Your warmth radiating through me on that cold autumn night,
As the falling leaves started to signal the passing of the season.

Your breath gentle upon my cheek,
As you tried to take away the coldness that lingers in my heart.
"For my despair, you have given me hope,
For my sorrow, you have given me joy,
For my fears, Succor,
For my loneliness, comfort.
How can I let you go?
How can I go on?
To me, you have shown me boundless joy,
The radiance of your soul, sings to mine,
As your hand reach out to save my tormented soul."

Lips, gentle lips touched my cheek,
Warming the cold in my being,
Feeding the flame in my heart that was near dying.
Hands, tender hands that can both evoke pleasure and pain,
moved over my body.
I closed my eyes at the sudden intrusion to my dark desires,
the spark that triggers off my fears.
my heartbeat fast, my breath quickens.
I shudder at the intensity for the unseen pleasure that you have evoked.
"Just one moment, Just one last time."
My heart told me, whispering like the passing breeze.
There I stood, fighting down my fears, my weakness, and the urge to give in.
Your hand reach out and caressed my cheek,
Warming it, soothing my pain, easing my fear.

"Why do you fight it?
Why do you resist the temptation?
We could be and will be together,
Never to part, not even for a single moment.
Is it worth fighting the emotions you feel for me,
The boundless and depthless emotions,
The endless desire and need that we crave for,
In each passing day and night?"
These words you breathe over me,
Engulfing my heart in anguish.
Your lips touch mine,
Taking away the taste of fear that has entered my being,
Easing the pain that has shot through my spirit,
Calming the storm that has tormented my heart.
Trying to grasp out for a single image of hope,
A single entity as love,
The illusion created by our fears, by our anguished cried,
Created by the silent tears and the darkness of loneliness.

"I'll take away your pain,
I'll dry your tears,
I'll calm your anguish,
I'll comfort your pain.
I'll live for your sake,
I'll die for you,
I'll die protecting you."
The words resounded in my ears,
As I hung to you for comfort,
for security that only you can give,
For the boundless love that binds the both of us together.

Never shall we part,
For whe are chained together in the journey,
This pathway to selfless sacrifice,
This walkway to who knows where.
May it be heaven,
May it be hell,
As long as we have each other,
The world is endless,
Just as our feelings for each other.
The endless,
The memory less,
The boundless,
The sleepless nights.
For I am your beloved,
And you are my sacrifice.

For that moment, I have surrendered,
For that moment, I have pushed away my inhabitations,
I allowed you to enter my world,
Allowed you to enter my dark solitude I called my heart.
Allowing you to see me for who I truly am,
The scared and lonely,
The frail and weak child,
Clinging on to what little of myself I have left.
Instead of pushing me away,
You embrace me in your warmth,
Engulf me with your love and showed me that there is a reason worth living for.
but it was just for a fleeting moment as our bodies, lips and souls connected.

When the new dawn arises,
I shall be gone.
Far away and distant.
We cross paths again the very next morning,
The memory and the passion we shared last ngiht,
Was seemingly an illusion,
A figment of your imgination.
Silently I walked pass you,
Ignoring the smile upon your face.
Confused by my actions,
You ran up to me,
Only to be rejected by my cold glare.
To you, it seems as if I have become a different person,
An enigma.

You tug my sleeve,
Revealing the mark of the previous night.
Gently I pulled back,
I shut my eyes away from yours,
As I continued walking away.
That night, you came to me,
Silently as you crept into my room,
You peered in as you see me struggling to gain control of my heart,
Silent tears fell, as in my loneliness I hide.
Gently you embrace me, trying to soothe my confused emotions.
You gently kissed my forehead,
Telling me not to fight the tidal wave of emotions that fight to break loose from me.
Offering solace and comfort,
Offering hope and redemption.

"Never leave me,
As I will never leave you.
I'll walk with you...
I'll stand with you.."

"setsunasa no kagiri made dakishimete mo
itsumade mo hitotsu ni wa narenakute
yasashisa yori fukai basho de
fureau no wa itami dake
futari wo musunde kudasai
bokura wa mou yume wo minai
tomadoi nagara te wo totte
zankoku na yoake no hou he
arukidasu

hontou no kotoba wa kitto
hontou no sekai no dokoka
bokura no mukuchi na yoru ni
hisonderu
ima mo kitto

sabishisa wo shiru tame ni deau no da to
kuchidzuke wo kawasu made shiranakute
soredemo ima kimi to aeta
yorokobi ni furuete iru
kokoro wo sasaete kudasai
bokura wa mou yume wo minai
atatakai basho he nigenai
zankoku na yoake wo kitto
koete yuku
akirameteta sono shizukesa
hontou no kotoba wo kitto
aishi kizutsuke au tame ni
sagashidasu
itsuka kitto

setsunasa no kagiri made dakishimete mo
itsumade mo hitotsu ni wa narenakute
yoake mae no tsumetai hoshi
futari dake no michiyuki wo
douka terashite kudasai"

English Translation

"Even if you embrace me until it's suffocating
We will never become one.
In a place deeper than gentleness
Touching each other is merely pain.
Please bind the two of us.
We will dream no more,
Joining hands in uncertainty
Walking towards
The cruel dawn.

True words are surely
Somewhere in the true world,
Lurking
In our wordless night.
Surely even now

Meeting each other in order to know loneliness,
We won't know until we exchange a kiss.
Even so, I am trembling with the joy
Of having met you.
Please support my heart.
We will dream no more,
We can't run to a warm place.
We will surely overcome
The cruel dawn.
The abandoned quietness
Will surely find
The true words
In order to lovingly hurt each other.
Someday surely

Even if you embrace me until it's suffocating
We will never become one.
O cold starts before dawn,
Please light
The path that's just for us."

I've been on an anime marathon recently as well as a youtube video addict of late.
Recently I've watch tenjo tenge and all my other anime, but one anime I have suddenly become an addict to. I've only seen episode one to five and yet it struck a deep cord in me. Is it because I crave for something similar or do I crave for a love like that?

I mean I agree that Loveless is a bit Yaoi... (Readers: "Yaoi? What the hell is that?" Little Jade Queen: "For those who don't know Hentai terms, Yaoi is guy on guy, while Yaori is girl on girl, and Benshou is Hot guys or whatever." Readers: "WHAT? I KNEW IT!! I KNEW IT!! You are a bit sick!" *Little Jade Queen shakes her head.* Little Jade Queen: "I'm not sick.. I'm in a perfectally 100% Hetrosexual relationship. It's just that the weridest things always manage to interest me and yet strike a cord in me.") Anyway, the story is about this elementary school boy called Ritsuka. Well he's cute with black cat ears (Kindda like the anime Black Cat) but these people, when they grow up, loses their ears. His life was turned upside down when his brother Seimei was killed. Here's the interesting part. His brother's name has a meaning, just like Ritsuka. The meaning of Seimei's name is Beloved : He who loves, while Ritsuka's name means Loveless : He who has not love. It's a rather complex story plot as his brother, Seimei, left behind his "Fighter" to protect Ritsuka. This is the really werid thing, the fighter is this university student called Soubi. And Soubi has this really cool, silent and yet unrelentlessly self sacrificing attitude towards Ritsuka, but he was ordered by Seimei, before Seimei was killed. But as the story goes on, there is this development between Ritsuka and Soubi. It's weird, other than the fact that Soubi is willing to do anything for Ritsuka, die for him, kill for him and be there for him anytime he calls, or the fact when they do a spell battle that Soubi keeps kissing Ritsuka... (Readers: "THAT's VERY GAY not to mention PEDEOPHILE!" Little Jade Queen : "I Know, but there is something much deeper there. It's not that clear, but there is something much deeper there that I felt. and I wasn't swooning only cos of Soubi being so hot.. so much hotter than Sesshomaru." *Readers Open eyes wide in shock* Readers: " This Soubi Guy is HOTTER THAN YOUR DROOL KING, SESSHOMARU?!" *Little Jade Queen blushed and nods*)

What struck me is Ritsuka's need for love where he got none from his mother, and the death of his brother left him shattered and lonely, his pain where Soubi suddenly appears to care, protect, fight and love him. His denial to trust anyone and yet time and time again, Soubi is willing to lay everything down and sacrifice. There is this deep feeling, and it's not just the point of this being gay. It's like the fear of losing something dear and yet grasping to hold on to something that you are able to cherish and yet be cherished at the same time. I was like taken aback by a scene where Soubi asked Ritsuka to pierce his ears for him, as a sign that they have connected, that the pain will show the bond between both of them and the eternal scar that he will carry to remember his emotions for Ritsuka. The eternal scar to carry... does he means spiritually as well as bodily? We all, in one way or another, carry eternal scars through the journey called our lives. We all try to reach our hands for something, to grasp to someone who can offer us comfort, selfless love, and yet we carry the fear to love the person or to trust the person as well. The Longing for something that is seemingly like a fairytale to us, the unrealistic ideal of a fantasy world that we try to recreate. Therefore, I ask, is a loveless love forbidden or is it forbidden to love a loveless person? Can it be possible that the purity of love or what love embodies; Sacrifice, Selflessness, unceasing, unrelentless, and to live and to die for a person, is found in a love that is totally forbidden and can only be understood by those who sense the emotions?


Forbidden


I have walked through these paths alone,
I have never once saw the light of the day,
I have never felt the serenity that the night brings,
And yet, you have appeared,
Offering a hand,
showing me a chance to feel love and be loved.


As you offered me your hand,
I look at it with disbelief,
Not daring to even trust.
But the longing in my heart cries out,
And you have come to answer its cries,
How can it be, for I am being punished for sins,
Sins that cannot be washed away,


But there you are,
With the promise of comfort, peace and love,
You said to me that you live for my sake,
And you will sacrifice your life just to see me safe,
What comfort do I get,
For you trying to redeem my tortured soul?
Have you not seen the fear in my eyes?
Have you not taste the insecurities when our lips touch?


Yet you are always there,
Never leaving my side,
Always giving, never asking.
Your only wish is to love me and be loved by me.
Will I accept or will I cower in the shadow of doubt
In this hope you have offered my condemmed soul.
The comfort you have offered me,
The shelter you have given me,
Even though you know I am undeserving of love,
And yet willingly you give.
I am not the Beloved,
And yet you loved the Loveless.


With the words you bring,
Come the bonds of eternity,
the Chains that binds us together,
as you live as I live,
You die as I die.
You promised that you'll do anything and everything I want,
You always be there for me,
Always for eternity.