Another evening here in Enfield and while watching X factor (repeat) on ITV2, I was surfing through facebook and saw that one of my pre-uni classmate has gotten married and she looked beautiful in her wedding dress and even held it at Raffles hotel, which reminds me that one of my close friends and my insurance agent, Paul is getting married on the 13th of December, which is James and my anniversary... 7 years.... sigh... I also saw the pic of one of my pre-uni mate's son... Everyone is going so far and so well in their life, but it makes me wonder if I will ever have that fairytale ending that I want to finally bring a closure for my seven year relationship with James.

It's been a hard long seven years, facing with the distance between us and all our trails and tribulations. I mean, look at Perlin, after all the hard work and waiting and paperwork, she finally got her visa approved and she will be married as soon as she get back to the US. Heartfelt congrats to her and my blessing be with her.. She really deserve it. I on the other hand, has been wondering and planning for a wedding for myself that I will not forget for the rest of my life... but the fear is there that my wedding won't be to what I expect... I want a simple wedding, a red and white theme for my wedding... Red for all the love, blood and tears that we have went through, the sacrifices we had made for us to be together, white for the new beginning and for the future that we will have the blessings from our parents and friends and the love and mercy of God for letting us find each other and for the patience that James have through all my moments of weakness and for supporting me through all these years and after our loss together when I was here. It has been a hard seven years for the both of us and I want something that will solidify our love and show that it has been worth the hard work...

I am not jealous of my friends, but there are times that I am envious... cos I know that I might not get the kind of wedding that I dreamt of having, but then again.. dreaming of something and in reality, it would be a different matter all together.. I realised that I have been content of having what I could have and James has been giving me much more that I could want at times, there are moments that I want more.. maybe I shouldn't be greedy and ask for more than I could chew, I should be happy with what I have, but there are moments where you want more emotionally....

There are times that I feel that if we miss this chance, it will never come again and I might miss it totally... Sigh... I wonder why I am feeling this way... Is it that gravity of the matter finally hitting me? Or is it that I am passing through a phase that I just want things to happen now... and not wait for it anymore... What am I to do??