No, we haven't given up on each other. After crying three days for him. I finally met him and yes, instead of fighting, we were actually laughing at each other and smooching and cuddling. I can't believe i'm still a sucker for him. After all these years, I can't remain angry at him for long bouts of time.

On Thursday, he made me rush here and there as he wanted to go on a one day, one night road trip up to Genting with his pal. And yeah, we went. Recklessly driving in the pitch blackness of the night through JB, Kota tinggi, and KL, all the way up to Genting, arriving at 245am in the morning. When we checked in, the both of them went out with lady luck to see if they can make a bit of spare change at the tables, I stayed in the hotel room with the telly. The Drive all the way back was scary, when his pal clocked 180km/hr on the Honda we were driving.

Sadly, today, My beloved went back and is now on the plane back to London. Tears shed and promises made to each other. We haven't got time to waste anymore and nothing is going to come between us anymore. We are going to close the gap btween us and the distance between us. @ years and 9 months, we have been together and we are not ready to give up. I finally realised the Goal that i have to achieve and it a common goal that both of us want at this moment and it's a long term goal.

Call me innocent, nieve, but I know at the end of the day, who do i want to be with. I am his and forever shall be HIS. Our love for each other is beyond words, and Tears Shared between us, The distance makes us stronger, the adversity bonds us more and more together and the love we share grows.. All is left is up to Us, Up to mE to pull through to the end......

I don't know where to go in this relationship anymore. I didn't know one can feel so much pain and hurt in just three days. Is it an accumulation of all that i have taken in the back and hid all my feelings? Has the cupboard gotten so full that it has bursted open already and everything has just exploded in my face? Is there no way to salvage my feelings in this relationship?

I had a talk with his pastor and i realise i might be hindering him in his growth. That i might be 2nd priority in his life right now. I want to move on in this relationship as well. i want to have the comfort to know that he knows what to do and i don't have to worry abt my place in his heart. When that happens, i can let him go and do what he has to do and not really worry about him that much. I have dreams and aspirations too. I want to pursure my studies and everything, but i have to think if i study 2-3 years, will he wait for me? I am not too sure about that. I don't feel that security in my relationship anymore. I have lost out of so much time with him, because he is away most of the time and best of all.. When his pastor asked him if he is committed to this relationship, he couldn't even answer.

Commitment.... this word surfaces again. I remember the 2nd time he initiated the break up it's becos of commitment. There are cracks in this relationship that i want to mend. THere are issues that we have to settle.. on my side, i know it's the money issue of our relationship, my spending habits and my lying habits. On his part, to him, there is nothing, as he has did everything he has to do. Shouldn't we try to settle that JH issue, That Diana Issue, the Comment abt Him being able to sleep around and yet only Love me? I mean there is no comfort in the comments he made at times. He says i'm hurting him and everytime i will admit that i have been hurting him. But when he has hurt me slowly, does he know? Does he even noticed? He says i'm wallowing in self pity and all i know is to cry. OF cos all i know to do is to cry. I have not much of an outlet,do i? I can't tell my friends all my problems, i can't tell my parents problems about us ( i know my parents doesn't like him as much as i know that his parents doesn't like me.) I have shed so much tears for him and he doesn't know it. I dare to admit that much of it is my fault, but he isn't faultless as he is. I am not asking for the finacial security. All i want is that emotional security, the thought of being able to go head with my dreams and aspirations and not worry that i will lose him to any hot bodied, long legged, small waisted woman. The thought of knowing that he's all mine and i don't have to fight anyone off for him and the fact the i am his one and only in many aspects.

The thought of him sharing the bed with another woman doesn't give me the comfort to go ahead and not worry. I'm stuck at square one and he says it's my fault. he doens't know that he partially has a part in that too? I admit, i'm childish, i admit i am in my own world, i admit that i am overly paranoid. I have lost so much before, i never loved anyone as much as i loved him, why shouldn't i be scared, why shouldn't i try to make sure that he is really mine? I may have put in alot in this relationship and i guess to him it is never enough. so i give more, but the more i give, the more harder this relationship becomes, the more problems we face.

He is a practical person, i am an emotional person. I feel for everyone, i feel about everything, I Fear most of the time. I fear alot. I fear of losing him, I fear that there is someone out there better than me and he would want her and not me. I fear that if i let him go, he wouldn't come back to me at all. I Fear to losing everything, I Fear and no matter where i try to find comfort, at the back of my head, there is always this fear. I fear losing so much time with him as I have lost quite alot of time with him as he left for London. I hardly want to question his whereabouts and his activities, but as i absorb all that he is telling me, How not to fear, how not to question. I don't know what to do. All i know what to do now is cry and in crying i still haven't found my comfort. In my tears, my fears and pain has not even subsided....

Now he wants to compensate, asking me to meet them in KL or Genting. Do you really think that he can make up for it now? I'm not on leave anymore, I have got work and i only got one day off. You think i can squeeze it all in one day? You think that All i have to do is pack up and go? You think I really have the mood to go right now? I cried the whole night, I feel like shit and you think just by asking me go, he can compensate me for what i feel?

He never did consider how his actions or words might hurt me. It's just like that night at Can Cafe, on our anniversary. He said " You know me, I don't care who you know, I just do what I want." He doesn't even care if that pisses me off, or he doesn't care what it means. To me, it means he has no regards for me, or who ever i know is not important at all, cos i am not important and i am not an equal in a relationship? The very next day he brushes it aside. Why is it that my feelings were never considered, why is it that whatever i think and whatever i feel not important to him at all? All he wants to do is just what he wants to do and whatever i want to do is brushed aside. Am I unreasonable to be angry? Am I stupid to make a mountain out of a molehill?

Everytime he brushes things aside, I swallow, but now there is too much to swallow. There is a limit to what i can take and he just hit the limit of my tolerance already. I have beared with everything and knowing him, he will just say, he doesn't see the need to explain, to justify what he has done or what he is doing, cos there is no case for me to fight against him. He always makes me feel like the problem is me. He always makes me feel that what ever I do and say abt him is uncalled for and he isn't at any fault. No matter what, he always makes me feel like i am at fault. Is it always my fault? Sure I made mistakes in this relationship and i know they were major mistakes, but does that mean that he isn't a fault? Does that mean he is always the saint in this relationship? He has made me feel so bad and so guilty about it and he tells me that He wants to move on in life and he wants me to be a part of it. He also said that if i don't buck up, he will have to do what he has to do. I know, but what abt how i feel? Everytime, he makes it sound like it's His relationship. Where is the Us? Where is the Me in this? I don't see the Me in this relationship anymore. Everytime thinking that what i feel and my actions are so small and redundant already.

I have cried the whole night, I have cried so hard, I have never cried so hard and All i know, it might be all wasted cos he doesn't really even care about how i feel anymore, he just do wat he wants to do. That's all that matters to him. It's what HE Wants, not what I want that is important. It's what HE thinks that is important. It is who HE knows that is important. He goes around insulting my friends, he sometimes says things about my dad, he goes around thinking that all my friends have no taste in guys, he goes around saying things about my family. He thinks he is that good. His cockiness annoys me and never, he has never once think of how it has affected me. He will always say that i take him too seriously and take all his jokes too seriously. But when do i know it is a joke and when it is not one? Does he really take pleasure in winding me up so bad? Does it make him happy that I am feeling miserable and feeling so sad? Doesn't he know how the aftermath of his actions affect me, How much it stings, how much it really really hurts me, cuts me and makes me feel so damn miserable?

How can he do that? I've never felt so disappointed, so left out and so sad. What's the most depression and heartbreaking is the fact that he always brush things aside as it is really nothing at all. All my anguish,my hurt and my sadness, all brushed aside and not taken seriously. He sometimes make me feel like he can only have fun without me and not with me. I'm not a part of world he has, i am not part of that life he has. U know how it feels like that everytime i have to go home and the next day he tell u what they did after i left? I feel really hurt and it really makes me feel that he is restricted when i am around, that he can't do what he wants to do when i am around. Imagine, u take leave for him but all u did was bum around and the day u start work, He tells ya that he's going somewhere..

Come on man, how do you think it makes me feel? I have nothing with him, i don't have any tender moments, we don't do anything special we can really brag abt. And best of all, he doesn't care how i feel.. he doesn't care how his actions affect me. And he goes right ahead and do whatever shit he want to do. And me? What do I do? I have to swallow everything that is thrown at me, my pride, my emotions, my hurt and my disappointment. I have to swallow everything and take it. I love him so much and really, I really have taken alot in my stride, it's just that each time it gets more and more unbearable and yet i don't want to let go of him. I can't let go without a fight.

He blames me for being paranoid over small things, but after he hid that JH thing from me for over a year, how not to? He says his best friend has lost his skill and never clean up after himself. It really makes me think if he has done anything behind my back in London. Doesn't he know that the more he tells me abt other women he's hanging with, it makes me more and more scared? He always makes it sound like it's my fault, even when it's not my fault. I mean he says it's okay for him to screw all the women in the world, but he loves only me. How does that sound comforting? Doesn't he know that trying to wind me up is actually making me feel damn bad? Doesn't he know that it's killing me, hurting me? He really makes it sound that the problem is me? But is it really me?

I'm now in tears, does he care? I have shed so many tears cos of him and why does he still want to hurt me? Why does he still think that it is okay when it isn't? Can't he see that? Can't he feel that? He says all i know is to try, but i can't tell him how i feel cos there isn't a point to tell him... so i cry and cry all those silent tears. Silent Tears that will never be heard, Silent tears that will never be seen, Silent tears that he will never understand the anguish and pain he puts me through.. the misery that i have to bear and that comfort that i can never find at times....