How can he do that? I've never felt so disappointed, so left out and so sad. What's the most depression and heartbreaking is the fact that he always brush things aside as it is really nothing at all. All my anguish,my hurt and my sadness, all brushed aside and not taken seriously. He sometimes make me feel like he can only have fun without me and not with me. I'm not a part of world he has, i am not part of that life he has. U know how it feels like that everytime i have to go home and the next day he tell u what they did after i left? I feel really hurt and it really makes me feel that he is restricted when i am around, that he can't do what he wants to do when i am around. Imagine, u take leave for him but all u did was bum around and the day u start work, He tells ya that he's going somewhere..

Come on man, how do you think it makes me feel? I have nothing with him, i don't have any tender moments, we don't do anything special we can really brag abt. And best of all, he doesn't care how i feel.. he doesn't care how his actions affect me. And he goes right ahead and do whatever shit he want to do. And me? What do I do? I have to swallow everything that is thrown at me, my pride, my emotions, my hurt and my disappointment. I have to swallow everything and take it. I love him so much and really, I really have taken alot in my stride, it's just that each time it gets more and more unbearable and yet i don't want to let go of him. I can't let go without a fight.

He blames me for being paranoid over small things, but after he hid that JH thing from me for over a year, how not to? He says his best friend has lost his skill and never clean up after himself. It really makes me think if he has done anything behind my back in London. Doesn't he know that the more he tells me abt other women he's hanging with, it makes me more and more scared? He always makes it sound like it's my fault, even when it's not my fault. I mean he says it's okay for him to screw all the women in the world, but he loves only me. How does that sound comforting? Doesn't he know that trying to wind me up is actually making me feel damn bad? Doesn't he know that it's killing me, hurting me? He really makes it sound that the problem is me? But is it really me?

I'm now in tears, does he care? I have shed so many tears cos of him and why does he still want to hurt me? Why does he still think that it is okay when it isn't? Can't he see that? Can't he feel that? He says all i know is to try, but i can't tell him how i feel cos there isn't a point to tell him... so i cry and cry all those silent tears. Silent Tears that will never be heard, Silent tears that will never be seen, Silent tears that he will never understand the anguish and pain he puts me through.. the misery that i have to bear and that comfort that i can never find at times....