Nine years ago, some one commented on my blog that he or she wondered how a fat and ugly girl like me can be so full of arrogance and confidence... And nine years ago, I have the confidence and the cockiness to say up yours cos I am proud of who I am and what I am and people like you can just crawl back into your little hole and take a good look at yourselves as you ain't better than me.. Over the years, I have wondered what went wrong. Where have that confidence and sass gone? I am no longer confident, I am no longer arrogant.. I am no longer Stacy, or The Little Jade Queen anymore... I have become lost and I have lost my being...

To tell you the truth, I have lost one half of me and my pillar of support.. The one person who always told me that I was wonderful and brave and the greatest Becos I am.. I soon realised that he is the one that made me who I am... No it's not the Roadster... But my dad.. My rock.. After he left me, I am lost.. There is no one to affirm me.. No one to tell me bugger to all and to all the finger you will give as they didn't made you.. You are the one who made yourself... So what you are fat? But you are beautiful.. Inside and out..

I am now a mother, I have a little precious bundle which I have to be careful what I tell her, what I say to her and what I teach.. I have fought through sleepless nights, periods of helplessness, periods of depression and periods of wanting to give up on my own... Only to be faced with people in my life who makes me question my self worth.. Making me feel like I am an idiot, that I am not capable and being fat is a crime... Does it make them better than me?

I have had my confidence squashed.. Does it make them feel so big and great to kick me when I am down?? My mother taught me respect.. My mother taught me manners that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.. When you feel neglected, unappreciated and taken for a fool, I will prove to them that not one of them deserve anything from me, when I made it.. Whatever progress is made, it's down to my own determination and effort... I have done this alone with my parents support and I won't need them....


-Aikiko Rei