After last night's bout with a minor depression, I have come to think about my life again. It's been a long time since I reflected and I began to question myself. If I have lost myself, where have I gone? I have always been here all the time, and yet my self worth and being has been questioned. 

Nine years ago, some one commented on my blog that he or she wondered how a fat and ugly girl like me can be so full of arrogance and confidence... And nine years ago, I have the confidence and the cockiness to say up yours cos I am proud of who I am and what I am and people like you can just crawl back into your little hole and take a good look at yourselves as you ain't better than me.. Over the years, I have wondered what went wrong. Where have that confidence and sass gone? I am no longer confident, I am no longer arrogant.. I am no longer Stacy, or The Little Jade Queen anymore... I have become lost and I have lost my being...

To tell you the truth, I have lost one half of me and my pillar of support.. The one person who always told me that I was wonderful and brave and the greatest Becos I am.. I soon realised that he is the one that made me who I am... No it's not the Roadster... But my dad.. My rock.. After he left me, I am lost.. There is no one to affirm me.. No one to tell me bugger to all and to all the finger you will give as they didn't made you.. You are the one who made yourself... So what you are fat? But you are beautiful.. Inside and out..

I am now a mother, I have a little precious bundle which I have to be careful what I tell her, what I say to her and what I teach.. I have fought through sleepless nights, periods of helplessness, periods of depression and periods of wanting to give up on my own... Only to be faced with people in my life who makes me question my self worth.. Making me feel like I am an idiot, that I am not capable and being fat is a crime... Does it make them better than me?

I have had my confidence squashed.. Does it make them feel so big and great to kick me when I am down?? My mother taught me respect.. My mother taught me manners that if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.. When you feel neglected, unappreciated and taken for a fool, I will prove to them that not one of them deserve anything from me, when I made it.. Whatever progress is made, it's down to my own determination and effort... I have done this alone with my parents support and I won't need them....


-Aikiko Rei

I sometime wonder, when I live the life I live and do the kind of job I do, I get some inspiration to write my novels. But sometimes I wonder if my novels are a reflection of the life and the person I wish to have been or could have been.. I mean, for those who have read the things I have written in the past or when i re-read the things I have written in my younger days, such as The Fifth gear, The Devil's Addiction (my Sesshomaru fanfiction) and Forbidden, I realised that all my main female characters are a reflection of my inner self.. Like The Jaded One in The Fifth Gear, Reijin in The Devil's Addiction and Aikiko Rei in Forbidden, all of them are head strong, strong willed, resillient and determined women who will not let anything or anyone stand in their way of getting what they desire.. They are never pushovers, even though they have internal turmoils and suffering that they have constant conflict with and battle with themselves to resolve it..

In The Fifth Gear, The Jaded One has to deal with a man, Scud, from her past whom she has a love hate relationship with and who still, even though she is married to The Demon, has a certain hold over her.. Scud is her emotional baggage that she has to deal with at the risk of her marriage.. Her character sometimes reflects mine as at times, out of the blue, I suddenly think of past relationships and wonder what would have happened if I had given up what I had with The Roadster for something that I could have made work.. Yet The Jaded One, is one hell of a woman to deal with.. Independent, wilful and one who has a reckless streak that even her husband give her the respect of his equal to be able to handle situations to her best ability and know she will not back down from a challenge, even though how the odds are stacked up against her..

In The Devil's Addiction, Reijin is similar, yet she has a calm demeanour and quietly yet subtly makes an impact. She has a powerful and yet calming aura about her and her mate quietly admire her for her ability to be at one with herself..

Then there is Aikiko Rei. Young enterprising and acomplished and a mix of The Jaded One and Reijin.. Facing living up to expectations and her duty, she is looked upon as an equal in a man's world...

Looking at all these characters, who are suppose to be a reflection of the real me, i realised that I am no where near as them.. In fact, I am poles apart from them.. Look at me, I am un-empowered both in marriage and at work.. My husband at times do not take my opinions into consideration and doesn't respect my views at times.. My father in law talks down to me, thinking i am not of the proper education and background as he expects and tries to force me to live up to his expectations instead of me living up to what I expect my life to be.. When he himself can't live up to them.. I am not respected at work and is being bullied by everyone, when I work the hardest and to the best ability I can... Emotionally I am not as strong as them, neither mentally as well.. Where was the determined and gungho girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind?? Where is the one who dug in her heels to stick to what she believed in? The one who isn't afraid of what people think of her and is confident in everything she does? Where in the hell along these two years did I turn into a submissive woman when I use to be a feminist?? Have I become "cockpecked"??? I don't even recognise myself anymore and i don't even know who I am anymore... Can someone tell me and help me?? Sigh.... I feel lost.....

-Aikiko Rei

Location:Links Side,Enfield,United Kingdom

Finally after two years in a far away country and entering the next phase of my life, the Roadster and I are finally coming home.. Back to Singapore, where we met, where we lived and where we grew up.. Being away from home, I have learnt to appreciate my family, my friends and most of all, all the experiences and memories that helped shape who I am today... But an event recently made me confident and appreciative of my own judgement and decision I made when I was younger....

Recently of late, one of my ex, out of the blue, added me on facebook. Of course, being me, out of goodwill and having no bad feelings towards him, added him and added him to my messenger when he requested to speak to me.. However as the normal formality of "how are you" and "what are you doing now?" pass, and after informing him I am now married and have been with the Roadster for over 7 years before we got married, he asked a question that made me wonder what his intention and motives were.. I mean even though technically when I got together with The Roadster, i was, in status-wise still attached to my ex, but at that point of time, we really didn't have a real relationship.. He only looks for me when he wants to satisfy his needs, when he needs me to finance his lifestyle or pleasures, and when it was done, it was if I didn't exist in his life.. There was no affection shown at all.. we don't even hold hands nor walk side by side or sit next to each other.. So it was 3 months after being with the Roadster that I told him that I don't need him in my life.. And he then suddenly said that he wanted to commit to the relationship.. To which I said that i didn't need a burden like him..

Anyway, he started questioning me abouty sex life and whether I still use aids.. And I was like that it was not neccessary to ask such a question.. His reply was like it was not as if we were doing it.. But still one wouldn't ask such a question.. He continued to ask that question even after I repeatedly told him that there was no need to ask such a question as I am married. He assumed that I was pissed off with him. But all I was trying to do if find out his intentions.. He is attached and 34 and yet he was trying something that makes me question his morals and his maturity.. As after that, he deleted me from his friends list, and automatically deleted himself from my friends list.. When I should be the one to do
so.. This showed that I did make the right decision then in ridding him from my life.. I mean I have two exs in my friends list in facebook.. One from when I was 15, the other was from when I was 17.. Both of which I still are friends with, who never brought our past relationship and intimate details up.. I really do wonder why this particular ex of mine behaves this way... I think I made the right decision to be with the Roadster and be his wife..

-Aikiko Rei

Location:Links Side,Enfield,United Kingdom

I am now sane again.. Over the last week, I had a minor breakdown... and the feeling of loneliness and isolation has really taken its toil out of me... and well I guess, I couldn't really take it anymore... And suprisingly, I think I Married the right man... ahahah Well, The Roadster has really been understanding and has understood the pain and roller coaster emotions that I have went through.. I guess it must have been hard on him and I have been giving him alot of grief for the last three months..so poor hubby.. BUT!!! He got me a new laptop with an inbuilt cam and mic, so I have been able to talk to Prawn, Godzilla, Duckie and my family recently and Mich Mich as well.. So the feeling of having my friends with me has slowly come back.. But there is one person that I haven't been able to catch up with recently and that is My Miss Tiang...

Miss Tiang ah.. If you are reading this, I AM STILL WAITING FOR U TO COME ONLINE AND CAM WITH ME!!! and we can go have "break" together liao!! ahahaha I miss that.. I can't wait to get home, even if it is for 2 and a half weeks.. but I really do want to do everything that I use to do with my friends..... The Roadster has also recently been catching up with his mates.. and he shared some pictures of hubby that hubby doesn't even remember it being taken.. There was one pic that was taken in 2002, when he and I have been together for a year.. And as I looked at it, I don't even remember my husband looking like that.. I guess when you are with someone for such a long time, you become so use to them.. but taking a look back, you can hardly remember how they look like when they were younger.. You kind of grow old with them... Yes.. The Little Jade Queen.. is finally sane once more.. and back to her old joval self.. guess the feeling of being cut off was Excruciating!!!

How does one curb this feeling of emptiness and frustration?? It's hard but I've tried.. And tried... It's all very hard... Esp when one is so far away from her parents, her friends and siblings... I don't understand why no one understands me or even let me make my own decisions... When that happens, my husband doesn't even help me or defend me... How much longer must I keep quiet and be the submissive one??? When did I lose my will to be strongheaded?? What has happened to me?? I don't even know if I am really happy anymore or know what is tomorow going to make me feel... I am happy that I am married, but why are there so many people trying to interfere in my life... When I was younger, I wouldn't let my parents interfere with my life.. I made the decision to come here and I will not change it, but I am really alone here...

为什么他们把我这么大的压力？他们不明白吗？甚至我的丈夫不明白。孤独，隔离可以是难以承受的时间。谁能够理解一个女人谁离开了她的家庭和她的朋友安慰的挫折？谁明白？我最亲爱的最好的朋友，我在这里为你。为你一个人了解我的心经历了困难和隔离时间。

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I really got to get my life back in focus... I mean I wonder should I get back in the rat race or continue what I do first till I get revitalised on my trip back home and then start back.. Recently hubby has been frustrated with regards to our financial situation.. It really makes me feel very useless when he says that.. I really do wonder what else can I do to make things better.. All through the relationship I have been doing the best I can and it can get very frustrating.. It is worst when i can talk to him, and I don't have an outlet to get away from it all.. I mean I once in a while try to get away fr a few hours with Lauren, but what does a 19 year old who is born and bred here understand about being away from home, alone, without your friends to lend a shoulder on... Sigh.. I've always learnt that I cannot linger on the negative, and all I have to do is to just move forward.. But how long can I do it without anybody to talk to..


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